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Last edited by kech; 10/09/18 03:42 PM.
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Originally Posted by kech
miss us a little more.
By us, do you mean him and you or you and D? I assume you and daughter.


Challenge yourself. Make him miss YOU. Not US. Not his Daughter. And instead of miss you, you want him to DESIRE you.

Too bad you can't have me, is the attitude. Confident Sexy Kech holds eye contact, gives him a smile, "Enjoy your time with D!" and walks away tonight. Do not dismiss the power of your perfume.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by kech
miss us a little more.
By us, do you mean him and you or you and D? I assume you and daughter.


Challenge yourself. Make him miss YOU. Not US. Not his Daughter. And instead of miss you, you want him to DESIRE you.

Too bad you can't have me, is the attitude. Confident Sexy Kech holds eye contact, gives him a smile, "Enjoy your time with D!" and walks away tonight. Do not dismiss the power of your perfume.




This is so helpful, thank you! I definitely want him to miss ME, he said he does but clearly its not enough to take action. I need new perfume! Right now he CANT have me, so whether he thinks he can or not, he cant.

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Oh boy, perfume is the knockout blow. When my W wears perfume I can barely keep my hands off of her!

Last edited by Cadet; 10/09/18 04:09 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Do you think he just expected me to continue pining for him? like I said to him the other day, "I dont know what you want from me, finalize what you want. I will sign."....Its like he just wants to continue to place blame to justify what hes doing, I dont care to hear it. Its unjustifiable. So I dont get what he expects from me when he tries to have these conversations. Im done pining for him. Im protecting myself now.

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Originally Posted by kech
Im done pining for him. Im protecting myself now.


PERFECT!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Homework time:

Originally Posted by Kech
I wish I could have a “deceits gotta stop” convo with my H, but I’m not in the position to do that right now. Hopefully if we ever get there, I’ll rehearse it and not trip on my words like I do now.

Originally Posted by PDT
Wishing isn't a plan. You steer clear of the emotions by thinking thru the issues. Calm, cool and collected. I would combine a hard legal stance and hardline confrontation, with loving detachment, GAL, 180s and working on my own issues.





I took the libery to DRAFT up a template (Link) for you to tweak and practice:
Quote
H, I know you have many legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction in our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know, I am working on my issues. Just know I cannot respect your decision to cut-and-run like this, and I damned sure can't respect your decision to involve a 3rd person in our marriage. (at this point he will try to stop you, and lie to you). Put your hand up in the "stop" position, and say "Please stop --we both know you're lying to me right now, so let me finish.

(look him dead in the eye) If you choose to end our marriage this way, I ABSOLUTELY will not be your friend. (PAUSE) I realize that I cannot control you and I have no desire to. I want us both to be happy. I think we may both regret this someday if we don't do everything we possibly can to save our marriage.

"Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. If you can't respect that then I have decided that I can't be married to you."
The blanks are the non-negotiable issues. "I won't share you with another woman."Joint decisions on how we spend our money." "open and honest communication"

If Divorce is THE ONLY WAY for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way.
I do love you, but I won't be made a fool."
And then walk away.



I believe what I put above works. Here are some more alternative statements I considered:
Quote
I have made it clear that I will not share you with another woman. You tell me that you are ending it. I'm not a fool, I do not have any reason to believe you.

If you are telling me the truth, I see many solutions to our problems.

Whatever is going on with this girl, it needs to stop immediately if you want any type of relationship with me.

I also need to be clear with you. Until I know for absolute certainty that you are telling me the truth, I have no choice but to continue protecting myself.

What are you willing to do to change my mind?

If he tries to deny OW, say "Please stop lying to me. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage. When you're ready to speak to me honestly, we can continue the conversation. As for the legal stuff, I think that would be best if we left that to our attorneys."



You then need ways to verify these issues. Transparency: access to each others e-mail, FB, cell phone etc. Weekly discussions about your finances. Find solutions that work for you.


Any thoughts?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hi Kech,

I am still following. Seems like you are starting to get the hang of validation and boundaries. That and your GAL seems to be helping with some confidence. I am proud of you.

I am less concerned with him and his reactions tho. Sure he is noticing and jealous. I know others see this as a positive because it proves he cares, however I personally put much less stock in it. Him "caring" does not mean that he is doing the right thing or even will do the right thing. The fact is, he had an A while you were pregnant and is now on his second A, and he also doesn't show any remorse. These are the facts.

I don't see how holding on to hope or measuring what some think is success is helping you move forward towards detachment. This is not a game to win, but this is your life and the life of a precious little girl.

I want to revisit what Ginger posted to you the other day. Let's please not gloss over this because it is painful to read. DB is not to win or trick him back. It is for you, so that you can let go of a toxic person and heal yourself. You can hope that one day he will change, show remorse, and recommit to the M. Please don't let your hopes get in the way of growth and detachment. You have to let him go first.

I feel comfortable saying this and agreeing with Ginger. My H did not have 2 As, he had 1. My H showed remorse and accountability, even while he was gone. We have been piecing for 3.5 years and I still cannot tell you if I will ever forgive him and feel as strongly about him. He has done the hard work and I still struggle with respect. I see what my H (and your H) did as the worst thing you can do to your W and kids. My personal values didn't change by him coming back to me.

I think you are so far from any of that yet. I think his jealousy and crappy comments are not positives. I think it demonstrates his immaturity and inability to have any accountability. I actually see these as more red flags!

I think I have said this before, but I do think you H will come around at some point. What I believe matters more, is what kind of man do you want to be married to and raise your daughter with? I don't think it is this guy here. I think step one, more than looking hot and smelling great to attract him, is letting go of him. Focus on you, girl. Please. You deserve so much better than what your chasing. You can't even think about winning someone until he shows you a man that is worthy of you.

Blu

FROM GINGER:
Quote
I have been wanting to post so much to you, but I've been incredibly busy moving. I have a lot to say, but I'll start small.

To me, men who cheat on and leave their wife while they are pregnant are disgusting to me. Absolutely despicable. I am sorry, short of addictions and abuse, there is no plausible reason to do something so disgusting to the mother of their child.

I read your posts and you are trying to employ some sort of tactic or pretzel yourself to become exactly what he wants so that he will drop his AP and come home to you. You are only concerned about what response your actions will yield.

Not for nothing, he should be begging his way back in. Begging for forgiveness. And you are so worried about doing right by HIM.

There was a poster here who's H left during pregnancy of their first child for AP. They did end up reconciling and going on to have 2 more kids. I have been friendly with her off this site for years now. She STILL has a hard time with forgiveness of what he did. But I will tell you, he only came home not because of tactics, or anything else. She lived her life for her and her daughter. She made herself the best self she could be. She didn't do it for him though. She did it for her.

You need to just become and act the way you want to be without concern for the results it might produce in him. If he is worthy of you, he will drop OW and work his butt off to be a partner to you and a father to his child.

You need to stop worrying about if what you do or don't do drives him back to OW. If he is worth his weight as a man, he will make the right choice. Right now, you be the best you that you can be for you and your baby. That's it.


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Thank you for linking your threads!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by BluWave
What I believe matters more, is what kind of man do you want to be married to and raise your daughter with? I don't think it is this guy here.
This is the most important.

That is why YOU have to fill in the blanks. This is you and and your life:

Here is what I need in my marriage___________, ___________, _____________, and________________. I have decided that I can't be married to you because you are not meeting these BASIC needs.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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