Ryan, I don't have much for advice since I'm going through a rough time with my own H and his issues, but do listen to everyone here on the detaching and taking care of yourself. At first I thought, "Yeah right, how the heck will that help me, I'm heartbroken and miserable." But it honestly does help YOU to become stronger and you learn about yourself in so many ways.
I've gotten a new job after years of being a SAHM, I volunteer at my son's school, I picked up old hobbies and I don't try to diagnose my H's issues anymore. I've caught up with old friends and found an incredible support system online and off with with my various friends. It was driving me crazy worrying about what H did until I just stopped caring as much and day by day I find myself moving forward with my son and spending less time worrying about how H feels. I did notice that the happier I get and happier I am with my life, the more he seems miserable and angry. I've stopped worrying about him, although his rudeness irks me. I cant fix him like I thought I could and I am fixing myself and trust me, if I can do this after it finally sunk into my stubborn head, you can do it too.
There are great people here that have great advice. It may feel like what they say is impossible to do but they are on the ball and are so awesome. ((hugs))
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
The only point I would make is that I wouldn't discuss goals that involve the MR or the WW. That's pursuing. Action speaks louder than words. Rather than directly telling W what you are working toward work it into the casual daily convo. JM2C
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Ryan your situation is pretty much identical to what I recently went through, textbook WAW. My wife was indeed having an EA with a coworker, not to say I wasn't neglecting her needs, wasn't listening to her, wasn't validating her feelings, I accept that I was't being a great husband after 10 years of marriage. I did the old beg and plead thing at first, I think it's natural. Then I started reading, not only the boards here but other things, learning about my situation, and putting a plan into action to save my marriage. I straightened out, GAL, lost 20 lbs, and gave her the space she needed. I know how you feel about maybe this gives the wrong signals and it might push her further away, but it didn't for me. I was friendly, kept contact to a minimum and spoke to her as necessary (we have kids), listened to her when she was willing to talk, didn't push her when she wasn't. At first I had to pretend, it was really hard, I sought some IC which helped me a lot. There were many frustrating days for me. After some time pretending, I started to feel it, I started to realize that I was a worthy person, I forgave myself, tried harder to love myself, and I disconnected emotionally. I knew in my heart I was a better man than her coworker, after 11 years together truly she valued me far more than someone at work, I am the father of her kids. I had to go through a bit of a break down, but I hit a point where I was OK on my own. Suddenly she started to come around, yes it was a bit rocky, but she seemed interested in perhaps saving our marriage. Things are going quite well for us now, rather than simply loving my wife, I am "in love" with her, I love being around her and spending time with her, she's feeling the same towards me and showing it, the EA has ended, I never brought it up with her extensively, I only let he know I was aware after snooping in her phone, she was super mad about that, but for me it was the right thing to do, make her aware that I knew, she brought it up off and on especially when she was pulling back from it, and when she talked about it I never asked questions, pried, accused, was angry, I couldn't change it and I wanted my wife back and it is what it is. So keep your head up, GAL, love yourself, and others will love you. All the best.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I am really glad that things turned around for you. I am having a rather difficult morning today and reading about your success couldn't have come at a better time. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced but I know that the most important thing is keeping my head up and loving myself.
Ryan, one thing that has helped me is the idea that I stop when I am having these bad moments/days and asked myself if this is just a temporary state of gloom and doom. It always is. And I commit to getting through that day. I always wake up feeling better the next morning. The dangerous thing is when you equate your feelings of well being with how your W responds to you. That is the tell-tale sign of the need to detach.
Stay strong. Read here and use the energy for self-improvement.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks RR17. Today was a bit tough for me in that it was unnatural but I think anyways was good. I slept like crap last night (been on the couch since Sept16) but this morning I stood my ground. I didn't get angry but was confident and firm with the W that I wanted to sleep in the bed and that I was not going to suffer and loose sleep because of her decision to leave the marriage. Not sure if that was the best way to handle things but would appreciate everyone's feedback.
this morning I stood my ground. I didn't get angry but was confident and firm with the W that I wanted to sleep in the bed and that I was not going to suffer and loose sleep because of her decision to leave the marriage. Not sure if that was the best way to handle things but would appreciate everyone's feedback.
Perfect.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That's the plan. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to be mean or a jerk but I really think she needs to feel some of the pain from her decision to leave starting with sleeping somewhere else. I am beginning to think the only reason I got the "I really want to remain good friends" speech was because she wants to keep all the comforts I provide in her life and keep me around to make her life easier all while not having anything to do with a real relationship with me. She doesn't want rid of me she just wants specific things from me. I think she is trying to take advantage of me and I am determined to not allow that.
