Being calm is good. Allowing WAW to Cake Eat is not.
Just make sure that remaining calm doesn't turn into passive aggression.
I think one thing that is difficult to grasp in DBing is the Confident Decisive Masculin energy that many LBSs need to re-embrace or embrace for the first time, in some cases.
A Confident Decisive man doesn't get upset over little things. He also doesn't allow WAW to walk over him.
It is a mindset and takes time. Good job on handling business. Don't let her take advantage of you.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17, I think you hit the nail on the head with the confident decisive masculine energy. I think this is the key and I can't speak for anyone else but I completely lost mine, thought it was gone for good, didn't even know where to begin getting it back but my mindset, my self help work are naturally bringing it back and it feels great.
Bit of a rough morning today. Not sure why, just feeling a bit down this morning. Last night was another night at home taking care of the kids on my own. WAW went to the grocery store and didn't return for 3 hours. I did manage to not react when she got home, just said hello and smiled, went and got ready for bed and went to sleep. With time I know it will be easier to not think about what she is doing but it sure is tough right now.
LH, No set days scheduled but I am getting out of the house. For example last weekend I made plans to go out tonight so I communicated that Friday I had plans and would not be home. For the most part though things are just kind of done on the fly. Perhaps I should come up with some sort of set schedule though with my gym time, going out days etc. and present it to her?
I'm finding the being out of the house part really hard. I love just sitting at home quietly, reading, watching a movie, being with the kids. But being out is something I am going to have to get used to. I think a good place to start would be heading to a coffee shop to do my reading.
I’m leaving the house and WAW calls, I don’t answer
OK, so many LBS's that come here listen to all the advice about detaching, pulling back, giving the WAS time and space and INSTANTLY think that means don't ever answer the phone, don't reply to texts and blow them off at every opportunity. That is NOT what Michele means. She simply means quit pursuing. If SHE calls then answer. If SHE texts then answer. Don't initiate yourself, that's all. Also don't get into long convos, just address the business she's contacting you about and let her go. If you just completely shut down on her then guess what she thinks, you are being a cold, indifferent, uncaring jerk.
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She was touching base regarding schedule for the night and asked if she could go to the gym. I advised her that I planned on going to the gym after the kids were in bed but I would be happy to get my son from piano, get the kids fed and would see her at their bedtime to put the kids to bed together then I would head to the gym.
It doesn't sound like you made it clear to her that you expected her to work out and be home by a certain time.
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Needless to say the whole thing was trap but I didn’t fall for it, accomplishment #2.
A trap?? How so? She simply asked if she could go to the gym, sounds like she was being respectful of your time by asking instead of just going. You may have heard that saying "to a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail". Well to an LBS everything looks like a conspiracy orchestrated by the WAS. LBS's can be very, very paranoid. That's a byproduct of BD, but try not to be.
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8:45 rolls around, I have now done everything by myself to get the kids to their activities, get them dinner and get them to bed. Plus I now don’t have time to get the gym and get in a proper workout since hey close at 10. WAW comes home and asks me if I am going to the gym and I confidently, without any yelling or any of my typical angry miserable previous reactions calmly stated “ I’m looking at the clock and it is now 8:50. At 5:40 you called me and we discussed the schedule for the evening and the plan was you were going to the gym, we would both put he kids to bed at 8:00 and then I could go to the gym.
Do you know what a "covert contract" is? Google it if you're not familiar with it. It's also discussed at length in No More Mister Nice Guy. It sounds like that's what you had in place. You never asked her what time she was going and she never offered a time (at least not that you mentioned). Here's the deal, an "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". It would go something like this:
W- Can I go to the gym tonight? You- I plan on having the kids in bed by 8:30 and was going to head to the gym after that, can you get your workout in before then and be home so that I can go after? W- Yes that works for me.
That is an offer from you, and an acceptance from her. Now when you have an "agreement" and she doesn't meet the terms, THEN you have a right to be upset or angry. But it doesn't sound like you had an agreement, you just made some ambiguous statements that developed into a covert contract. Be very, very careful of covert contracts, it's a form of control and manipulation. Punishing someone for a covert contract that they know nothing about just causes anger, resentment and confusion.
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It is now three hours later and I don’t have time because they are closed soon. I feel angry, disrespected, undervalued and above all genuinely disappointed. I need you to understand that my time is valuable and I deserve basic courtesy from you regardless of being separated”. Then I turned around, put on my runners and went for a hour long jog.
So you got a workout in after all. So why all the negative comments to her? Could you not have just said "it's too late for me to get to the gym before they close, I'm going for a run instead. Next time I'll try to communicate better, sounds like we had a misunderstanding about what time you needed to be home."
KEEP THE WAY HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH. What does that mean? It means don't drag them down the road (pursuit) but it means don't be cold and indifferent either. You can't MAKE her come back to the M, but you can make it EASIER for her to come back. OK?
Just a little more on texting- the idea is to not be immediately available all the time. The point is to make her think you're getting a life. The method is to sometimes reply right away, sometimes later, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) not at all. BUT, here's the thing. If she knows where you are, it doesn't make you mysterious. IE, if she knows you're at piano lessons and texts you and you don't reply she's not going to think "wow, what is he doing, he's so mysterious now!" So it works best when you are off GAL'ing and she doesn't know where you are or what you are doing. Don't just leave, but for example you might say "hey I have plans Thursday night from 8 to 11, do you mind watching the kids?" And then go meet friends or whatever, and if she texts then don't reply right away. See the difference?
AnotherStander, I appreciate the feedback. Most of what you touched on is more detailed about what actually happened. Working on journalling and accurately getting my thoughts and details down on paper is something i need to work on. Specifically on the gym thing, It was clearly discussed that we would put the kids to bed together at 8 and she showed up at 9:45 and that was what I expressed being upset about to her. I could care less about not making the gym, as you stated I went for a jog and felt great. I also failed to mention in my original post that I expressed clearly why I was upset to her and it was all about the time part and not anything to do with the not going to the gym.
On the not answering calls part: Again I'm lacking detail in my explanation and I think that is causing confusion. My intention is not being so available and this is one of my 180's. I am not shutting down and am still speaking to her when spoken to and being friendly and cheerful. Previously I would answer the phone by the second ring. Text messages were replied to in minutes. I am not ignoring her calls or messages just DE-prioritizing them.
Sorry for any of the confusion and again thanks for the feedback. I have a very long road a head of me and much to learn.
You don't de-prioritize the communication method, but the content of the communication. AS gave pretty clear indication of what that means. You can still be unavailable even if you pick up the phone. It all matters on subject matter of the communication. Is she calling/texting about kids? You get to those in a timely manner as you are also a parent. Other stuff is dependent on the subject matter. For e.g., I only answer stuff around kids and the house and finances (it's all sorted now so it's just about the kids). I only initiate convo if it's about the kids and I stay proactive on that to keep a good co-parenting relationship.
Outside of that, nada. You 180 on your availability by setting boundaries and letting her know that in a polite way. If she's blowing up your phone because she needs you to run some errand for her. Well, you pick up the phone and tell her nicely that you don't do that anymore, instead of ignoring the call. Take charge of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.
Also, picking up her call on the second ring or the fifth ring is of little consequence. You still had to pick up the phone and deal with whatever she wanted to talk about. Stop focusing on minutae like this and tackle the meat of the issue - the content of the communication.
