Things are going well for me. Some incidents of mild note and other self-reflections. Will expand on it later today when I have some time to post at length.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No worries Job! I know the speed at which this forum runs.
As I had mentioned in my previous thread, I wouldn't really be posting much on my own thread unless something major happens and if I am moving towards closing this chapter by going the D route. Well, nothing in the overall plan has changed but some minor incidents have happened.
W invited me over for dinner a few nights ago. That was a real turn of events. She has been nothing short of judgmental and her tone over texts has been accusatory about things that didn't happen. It's like going before the court and the jury has already deemed you guilty before you even open your mouth. I just kept to my boundaries about this and didn't take her bait and get into some complicated discussions, which would've also most likely brought up R talks. I am pretty good at not reacting in the moment - texting also helps to calibrate your responses and not just talk from emotion.
She went from a negative tone to sending me cheerful and even 'normal' conversation texts in the span of 2 weeks. I have no idea what happened to mark that change. Then follows the invite for dinner, which I accepted. Not because it would give me a chance to show her the 'new' me - I am way beyond that at this point. I thought it would be a nice change to how we've interacted, and her 'normal' texts kinda primed me to think that we could maybe do this.
Dinner went well and had fun with the kids. When I got to leave, kids got emotional that I was leaving. Especially my youngest one who had a very hard time saying bye and was physically holding on to me. I felt like crap in the moment and kept up a great face and gave her lotsa hugs and kisses and told her that I'd see her soon. My oldest put on a brave face but I could tell he was emotional as well.
I talked to a colleague of mine, who knows all about my sitch. Her advice to me was that I need to talk to her about what is going on - is she wanting to reconcile or this was just like a one off fun dinner. I am also past the point where too much time has passed and I am not so worried about the whole pursuit and pressure thing. But I decided that I am not going to do that unless she gives me another invite. As much as we can have a pleasant interaction, I don't want my kids to be in the line of fire for this. I don't want them to think that there is a possibility of putting the family back together. They've already been through so much and this is just another heartbreak.
So, if another invite comes my way, I am going to straight up talk about what's going on. If she feels pressure or pursuit, that I cannot control anymore. I won't do anything that jeopardizes the kids mental and emotional health. If she's having second thoughts, then that is a conversation I am willing to have to hear her out about it. But I won't play a game. I also want her to come at me direct in some way.
In the few days after the dinner, she has texted me about stuff, but it's been hot and cold and sometimes pleasant and sometimes more businesslike. It's a bit ridiculous. I am way more amused by it and it's not bothering me.
However, I was on the verge of having a talk with her about getting a separation agreement done, and this temporarily complicated the situation. I assessed it all and decided that I am going to have that conversation with her anyways as it is something I need to get done and start the process of closing the chapter. I am waiting for a couple of things to get settled and then will have the talk with her. Most likely by early next month.
The more time has passed, the more I have clarity on what I need from a partner and she has shown no indication that she has put in work to be that person. So, it's a done deal from my end as I see it.
I gave up mind reading a long time ago and I have interest in trying to speculate why her communications lately are hot and cold and she went from straight up adversarial to being more friendly. Don't know what's going on with her and I really don't care at this point. I am ready to move forward with my life and start dating and exploring who's out there. I also found out she's been using a dating app. It didn't catch me by surprise, because I knew she had dipped into it after and around BD, but now I know she's been out on the scene. That info doesn't change anything for me, but I at least know for a fact now.
My personal life is great. I moved recently and am getting my work and finances in order. I haven't paid strong attention tom my health, but that is the main priority now that some other things are settled. I am still working on being assertive and improving my leadership and communication skills. I have a very dominating colleague and they make me feel less skilled and I wonder if my work and skillset is valued. I know that this is just stemming from my insecurities and I need to just hustle and do my job well rather than compare myself to this person. They're not necessarily better than me, but are way more action oriented, and I am more thinking and planning oriented before taking action. So me not taking action all the time on things compared to them makes me feel like I am somehow lesser. I know it's in my head.
My relationship with the kiddos is stellar and improving. I do feel more grounded in life since I honed down my values and acting and reacting in alignment to them. I am also learning more about how to understand self-value and where that comes from. Heard an interview with Melissa Hartwig recently where she breaks it down really well. Gave me a lot more clarity on how to value and love myself.
All in all, life is good and getting better. I am still on the D path and unless something radical happens, I hope to get it all finalized and done by Q1 of 2019.
I am still reading some sitches here and there and will post when I have something to offer. Keep your focus on personal growth, understanding yourself and your values, and do things that bring you joy. Life is so darn short and I don't want to die with regrets.
Thank you for the update my friend M. Glad to read you are the usual wise and centered Maika of all your sitch. The DB force is strong in you M, you are still the DB master.
Good to see you shining bright.
Sending you and the kids a big hug.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I got sad when I read about you leaving dinner and the kids getting worked up. That just stinks to high heaven. So sorry Maika. You even keeled approach seems to be beneficial to you, emotionally speaking.
What are your plans for your health? It seems like you have most facets of life tied down except this.
Sorry to hear you are planning to file, but I hope it brings you what you are looking for.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Over, I used to read Maika posts and get sad just like you. It happened the same when reading Joseph9. But you know what, they have done their homework: they have got into amoafwl so when I read them I see consistency, I see their shining lighthouses. They are fabulous parents, persons having morals and honour. They have fought for their MR and they have come out being a better version of themselves.
So when I read them I see their kids being proud of them. And those feelings are forever into their relations. And that feels good, feels great indeed...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Maika, your situation and mine kind of seem to be on the same path, and I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I don't think you should have the talk about what is going on in her head yet. You've had a pleasant dinner. I suspect dinner was a lure; don't bite! Maybe she's temp checking. Leave it at dinner for now. You've had a pleasant experience together, let her think about that for a while. If she's having second thoughts, she'll show more interest soon.
Just so you know, I won't go to her house for anything other than what's necessary. I had dinner there once, and it was very hard emotionally. I don't need to put myself through that again. And if your kids are distressed to see mommy and daddy together, and then daddy leave again, it's doubly not worth it.
It's awesome that you've achieved enough distance that you want to move forward with your life. When I got to that point, what worked for me was simply moving the D along. Scheduling mediation helped me achieve some additional distance, and a sense of having some control over the proceedings. Let her see both sides, that you are still the same wonderful, loving man she fell in love with, but you are ready to move forward, and she's at risk of losing you forever. You're not putting pressure on her; you're just giving her what she wants. The phrase, "Look, I don't want this divorce, you do, and not having enough (whatever) is a consequence of your decision," calmly stated, came up a lot. Maybe it will really make her think if she wants it after all.
I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite in telling you not to bring up reconciliation and asking what she's thinking, having just done so with my W. We are really at the short strokes of finishing a separation agreement, and get along ridiculously well. Just so you know what was going on in MY head, it was more to make sure my conscience was clear knowing that I'd done everything I could to save our M, rather than with any expectation of success. I have no idea if I achieved anything else, but I absolutely achieved a clear conscience.
Just so you know, if you are really at the point where you are ready to move on, depending on how complicated your D will be, there is a HUGE financial incentive to get a signed Separation Agreement before the year's end. Tax law is changing, and if you do not get an Agreement signed before year's end, alimony will no longer be deductable to the payor, which may be a substantial tax hit to you.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
one more quick thing... when I did talk to W, I said I thought we should finish getting divorced, bury the old marriage, and start fresh. Remember, divorce is just a piece of paper.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
