These MR's get so complicated once the trust is betrayed, and I think it takes such brutal honesty and the courage to communicate and stay committed even when it's hard. Your W should understand why you might snoop. She should be appreciative of your 180 on hunting time. But she is a human and it still makes sense that she could be disappointed.
Humans often feel more than one way about things, with a tendency to focus on the negative.
Every day life is trying to teach us something, it's on us to learn from it.
Well said ovr! Ring and piecing is always a work in progress. I do not want to go back to pre-BD no matter what!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This is in keeping with her consistent behavior as well. When she was wayward, she'd stay up until 2, 3am. I assume chatting. But she has been coming to bed at the same time as me, or very shortly after. And the history was clean. No dating sites. Texting during normal hours, and mostly with myself and D. Just nothing of concern. At all.
Hey, man, i am just so, so happy for you and how things seem to be working out for you guys so far. You were always there for me on my thread in my darkest hours, and you know that i know how hard all of this can be, so i am just really glad to hear things seem to be going well.
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So this was more my issue. Not sure what prompted me to do this other than coming home to the empty house. BTW, her sitting in the car waiting for D is not uncommon. So even that isn't anything unusual. Just a low moment I guess. First time since late Feb. or early March that I snooped.
Like i said: It's hard. I've been there and i am still there. I will admit that i have, from time to time, still "checked up" on my W... either her phone or internet history, or a location ping via the family finder all four of us have on hour phone, but these have become less and less frequent. As LBSs with Ws who have had affairs, you and I (and the others on here) have been through a pretty significant trauma. You can't expect to have 100% trust and become fully healed yourself overnight. As my MC has said, "trust but verify"... and also that it's not unusual for a spouse in our shoes to still want to "check up" on the formerly wayward spouse from time to time. Hopefully, full transparency (as we both seem to have in our respective sitches) makes this seem less necessary/tempting/whatever. Either way, i would not beat yourself up too much about it. I myself have doubts creep in from time to time, but the full transparency my W has shown, as well as the complete change in her demeanor, has really helped. And, when it doesn't, we have managed to talk it out, either with or without the help of our MC.
My W and i had a similar issue pop up last week, although i was the "offender". Just a miscommunication between us where she thought i would be coming home from my Thursday happy hour hangout earlier than i thought i had communicated. Highlights the importance of communication, though, when you are trying to build trust, and we had a really good conversation about it later. Was funny, actually... She now worries about me finding someone else and having an affair when i am unaccounted for like that-- "Not really deep down", she says, but when she gets "hormonal" (as she puts it) and something like that happens, she does get those fleeting thoughts that cross her mind, like I'm gonna pop up one day and say "Okay, paybacks a b***h! Meet Suzie!" We talked about that a bit, too, assured her that i am "all in" and wouldn't be here with her if I weren't. Funny how the dynamic there has flipped.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
This is in keeping with her consistent behavior as well. When she was wayward, she'd stay up until 2, 3am. I assume chatting. But she has been coming to bed at the same time as me, or very shortly after. And the history was clean. No dating sites. Texting during normal hours, and mostly with myself and D. Just nothing of concern. At all.
Hey, man, i am just so, so happy for you and how things seem to be working out for you guys so far. You were always there for me on my thread in my darkest hours, and you know that i know how hard all of this can be, so i am just really glad to hear things seem to be going well.
Quote
So this was more my issue. Not sure what prompted me to do this other than coming home to the empty house. BTW, her sitting in the car waiting for D is not uncommon. So even that isn't anything unusual. Just a low moment I guess. First time since late Feb. or early March that I snooped.
Like i said: It's hard. I've been there and i am still there. I will admit that i have, from time to time, still "checked up" on my W... either her phone or internet history, or a location ping via the family finder all four of us have on hour phone, but these have become less and less frequent. As LBSs with Ws who have had affairs, you and I (and the others on here) have been through a pretty significant trauma. You can't expect to have 100% trust and become fully healed yourself overnight. As my MC has said, "trust but verify"... and also that it's not unusual for a spouse in our shoes to still want to "check up" on the formerly wayward spouse from time to time. Hopefully, full transparency (as we both seem to have in our respective sitches) makes this seem less necessary/tempting/whatever. Either way, i would not beat yourself up too much about it. I myself have doubts creep in from time to time, but the full transparency my W has shown, as well as the complete change in her demeanor, has really helped. And, when it doesn't, we have managed to talk it out, either with or without the help of our MC.
My W and i had a similar issue pop up last week, although i was the "offender". Just a miscommunication between us where she thought i would be coming home from my Thursday happy hour hangout earlier than i thought i had communicated. Highlights the importance of communication, though, when you are trying to build trust, and we had a really good conversation about it later. Was funny, actually... She now worries about me finding someone else and having an affair when i am unaccounted for like that-- "Not really deep down", she says, but when she gets "hormonal" (as she puts it) and something like that happens, she does get those fleeting thoughts that cross her mind, like I'm gonna pop up one day and say "Okay, paybacks a b***h! Meet Suzie!" We talked about that a bit, too, assured her that i am "all in" and wouldn't be here with her if I weren't. Funny how the dynamic there has flipped.
jim, yes, I remember being floored with how strong you were through your sitch. It was remarkable and help me have my moments of strength too. I like the "trust but verify" approach. I guess I will just chalk this up to that. However, I do need to keep Amoafwl's point in mind. About my coming home to an empty house and keeping my attitude right about that. As he said, I wasn't there for that night, I was there for the next morning. No one did anything wrong here, other than me maybe having a moment of weakness in my lack of "control". Something I've always struggled with.
Thanks HJ, very well said post, I appreciate it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well a devastating day yesterday. Got a call in the late afternoon about the passing of a close friend. Died in his sleep Monday evening.
Of course this has a lesson for us in dealing with our WASs. And anyone really. Remember, that as you are speaking to someone that it might be the last time you ever talk to them again. Make sure you can live with that being your last conversation with them. I know that in our sitches we always feel like it is life or death. But when death actually hits you realize how little everything else matters.
I always think of the Tim McGraw song, Live Like You Were Dying
He said "I was in my early forties With a lot of life before me And a moment came that stopped me on a dime I spent most of the next days Looking at the x-rays Talkin' 'bout the options And talkin' 'bout sweet time" I asked him "When it sank in That this might really be the real end How's it hit you When you get that kind of news? Man, what'd you do?" He said "I went skydiving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu And I loved deeper And I spoke sweeter And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying" And he said "Someday I hope you get the chance To live like you were dying" He said "I was finally the husband That most of the time I wasn't And I became a friend a friend would like to have And all of a sudden going fishin' Wasn't such an imposition And I went three times that year I lost my dad I finally read the Good Book, and I Took a good, long, hard look At what I'd do if I could do it all again And then I went skydiving I went Rocky Mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu And I loved deeper And I spoke sweeter And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying" And he said "Someday I hope you get the chance To live like you were dying Like tomorrow was a gift And you've got eternity To think about What you'd do with it What could you do with it What did I do with it? What would I do with it? Skydiving I went Rocky mountain climbing I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu And I loved deeper And I spoke sweeter And I watched an eagle as it was flying" And he said "Someday I hope you get the chance To live like you were dying To live like you were dying To live like you were dying"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Definitely take the time to appreciate what you have and what is really important to you.
take care.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sorry about your friend, Steve, I�m really sorry for your loss.
I just want to share with you the feelings from the other side: being clear of wrong doings give us (the wws) relief and confidence. We need that too. So besides celebrating you found nothing I must tell you that you made me pour a tear of joy when reading...
Sending you a big hug on this difficult time Steve, my thoughts are with you and your friend.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Sorry to hear that Steve. You're right, we get so lost in our situation sometimes that we forget this could be our last moment and that we should make the most of it.
"Don't let your life pass your by, and weep not for memories".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
