Good for you FS!!! I know what you mean about it feeling a bit forced. I feel that way too sometimes. And then there are other times where I don't think of him at all and I really, really like those moments. Anyway... early days for both of us. I am taking others' word for it that it does get easier with time. So keep doing what you are doing. (((HUGS)))
So, today is another day. I am working from home (due to childcare, not hangover :)). I feel good today. Awake and fairly with it. Maybe because, apart from lift to station yesterday, I have not really seen H this week.
When I got home last night, my MIL, who was babysitting mentioned that H had said he didn't think I'd gone to work as had left my work laptop at home. He had come around to search for D8's PE kit and had noticed it on the kitchen table. Note: i was given a new laptop the day before and had not bothered to bring my old one back in. She mentioned he had also told her I had hired naked butlers for my birthday party. Naked butlers !!! Who does he think I am. She mentioned he scowled as he said it. I didn't - I hired a cocktail master and chief who were both fully clothed. I even showed him photos from the party the day after, and he never once mentioned that he thought they were supposed to be naked.
It is strange that they suddenly get curious about what you are up to after they've left. He is forever asking me questions "where are you going", "who are you going with". I am not particularly forthcoming and he doesn't push (as this would indicate interest). When I was late home last week he casually said "trouble with the trains" and I replied "nope - went out for a quick drink". He didn't say anything after that, what he could he say, we are not together anymore and how I spend my time is my business, but he did look away. I didn't mention the drink was coffee and that I drank it in a coffee shop by myself.
He then goes and tells his mum I am hiring naked men and playing truent from work.
I didn't write much about last night. I met up with colleagues, old and new, who have, over the last year, sat with me in meeting rooms and watched me cry, sat with me in pubs, and watched me cry, carried the slack when I couldn't focus or think. Last night was the first time in a long time that we have all been together and they all said how happy I looked. One guy said that I looked like the FS he first met (about a year before BD) just happier. Another said I was looking smoking hot and london better watch out once I get my mojo back. My H doesn't know any of them. He hated me going out with work mates (they're all men !!!) and thought that they all had a secret agenda. I use to say to him, it doesn't matter what they want, it only matters what I want. You either trust me or you don't. Though, despite my bravado I turned down invites for drinks and get togethers because I knew it would upset H. I stopped being true to myself because he didn't like it.
And then when he left one of his criticisms was I was too dependent on him.
I write here for me. Sorting through the jumble in my head and putting it into structured and articulate (sometimes) sentences helps me to separate the emotion from the event. The hurt from the act. Writing gives me a more detached perspective. So, in and of itself, journaling is cathartic.
But your words and encouragement (and virtual hugs Dejavu) makes me feel less alone.
FS, that sounds like a wonderful birthday! And it sounds like you are handling the interactions with H perfectly. It does sound like you still have a lot of expectations (I'm going to wear this dress and see what his reaction is) so try to temper that and just do things for you. That was very kind of him to buy presents for you even if for the D's to give you, believe me many LBS's here would kill to get that level of interest from their cold, uncaring WAS's. You're getting his attention which is a good thing, keep it up!
AS - I know. I think of him too much. But there are no expectations. I know my looking good in a dress isn't going to suddenly make him realize he is a fool for leaving me. He knows what I look like.
When he left I was broken. Months of him belittling me, criticizing me and telling me he loved me but wasn't attracted to me, had made me doubt myself. I have slowly been rebuilding, putting the pieced back together. The shock of finding out he was dating threw me in a spin. But it has taken less time to heal - because I already had six months of working on me. So, now I make the effort for me. So I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am becoming. I make an effort out of self respect. It is a bonus that he notices.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
That was very kind of him to buy presents for you even if for the D's to give you, believe me many LBS's here would kill to get that level of interest from their cold, uncaring WAS's. You're getting his attention which is a good thing, keep it up!
I take it for what it is. Kindness driven partly by guilt and partly to keep me in this limbo state so he can cake eat. I will take the kindness anyway. It is better then the spite he use to spew. Let him eat cake. Meanwhile, I will be enjoying my picnic and getting on with my life.
I am fortunate in that H is not a complete [censored]. I read some of the threads here, particularly with respect to the children, and I want to reach across the screen and shake the writer and say "they are not worth it". But I have not walked in their shoes. It is up to each individual to know when their own tipping point has been reached.
Thank you both for checking in. And neffer. I am doing OK. Undoubtedly there will be more bumps in the road, and more lengthy posts desecting every nuance of every interaction, well, at least until I properly get the hang of this DB'g thing. Might take a while before DB'g properly sticks so I apologies in advance
On that note: H has text me once today to confirm numbers for D8's birthday (I responded) and then called me to reconfirm the numbers I had already given him. He is reaching out an awful lot at the moment. Pleasant conversation, all children based. I was cool and aloof. As was he.
AS - I know. I think of him too much. But there are no expectations. I know my looking good in a dress isn't going to suddenly make him realize he is a fool for leaving me. He knows what I look like.
When he left I was broken. Months of him belittling me, criticizing me and telling me he loved me but wasn't attracted to me, had made me doubt myself. I have slowly been rebuilding, putting the pieced back together. The shock of finding out he was dating threw me in a spin. But it has taken less time to heal - because I already had six months of working on me. So, now I make the effort for me. So I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am becoming. I make an effort out of self respect. It is a bonus that he notices.
That's a perfect mindset!
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I am fortunate in that H is not a complete [censored]. I read some of the threads here, particularly with respect to the children, and I want to reach across the screen and shake the writer and say "they are not worth it". But I have not walked in their shoes. It is up to each individual to know when their own tipping point has been reached.
Oh yes, some people here have to bear unspeakable cruelty. My ex treated me badly early on, but I just kept being myself and treating her with kindness. At one point about a month after BD she actually told me she had been treating me badly on purpose with the hope that it would make me want her to leave, but she felt so guilty doing it while I was being nice to her that she decided she couldn't to it anymore. From that point on she was very nice and respectful throughout the whole process. I think a lot of WAS's think like she does, but rarely do they actually admit it. Anyway I'm glad your H is more on the nice side like my ex, these situations are difficult enough without them behaving like asses.
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I am doing OK.
I think you are doing better than OK
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He is reaching out an awful lot at the moment. Pleasant conversation, all children based. I was cool and aloof. As was he.
It sounds like he's worried you are slipping off of Plan B status. As long as you keep playing it cool I bet he will ramp up the pursuit.
[My ex treated me badly early on, but I just kept being myself and treating her with kindness ... Anyway I'm glad your H is more on the nice side like my ex, these situations are difficult enough without them behaving like asses..
Don't let the mr nice guy act fool you. I endured 6 months at home with him being an utter [censored]. At one stage (christmas) his mum had to pull him up and say to him 'you can't treat FS like that. She is a person'. And then another 3 months of him treating me like a nanny or a housekeeper - the person who looked after his kids when he didn't want them. All this whilst I continued to pay the mortgage, food, and day to day costs of bringing up two children. The niceness has been building for 3 months now and only ramped up when i discovered he was dating. It is definitely plan B stuff. But with the kids, I think his affection is genuine and coupled with the kindest he shows me, makes this sitch easier for everyone.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I think you are doing better than OK
I have my good days and my bad. I tried to sleep without pills last night and I managed 5 hours (I woke up 3 times). It is at night that I get lost in the tunnels. In the light of day I realise there is no point and I just try and get on with it.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
OMG I would love to see his face if YOU hired a couple "stripping butlers" to HIS birthday party....
The naked butler thing is hilarious. The fact that he scowled when he told his mum makes it even more funny. It's like he thinks I am the one in crises and reverting back to my 20's and he is disgusted by it. He's the one going to clubs and dating. I am spending time with mums, doing yoga, going for the odd after work drink and journaling. Maybe there is something to that projection thing.
Journaling - We are going out for a family meal later for my birthday. I spend years not acknowledging my birthday and this year, it is like a week long celebration . H will be there and then will take the kids overnight. I am going out for dinner with one of D12's friends mums and have reached out to another mum to see if she wants to come along too. My friend is going through the final stages of divorce and is having a hard time of it. Her H has cut off her cards, refuses to pay the school fees, treats the children as if they are a burden, and pretty much told her and the kids that once the divorce is finalised, they are out on the street. She's not. She knows her rights. But he says it anyway because he is a controlling [censored].
Makes me realise that my problem, that is, a H who is trying to nice me into staying in limbo so he can continue to cake eat, is a nice problem to have as long as I see it for what it is.
