Buck up man. You are only in Hell if you choose to be. All these sitchs are terrible no one deserves this torture. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. However, force yourself into the perspective that the glass is half full. Focus on work, do the best you can. Be the best you can given the circumstances. We are here for you.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
What's more upsetting is that I thought I was making tangible progress. Maybe this time now I should not just say "No expectations" but APPLYING the no expectations rule?
What's more upsetting is that I thought I was making tangible progress. Maybe this time now I should not just say "No expectations" but APPLYING the no expectations rule?
Yes. This.
The sooner you can drop expectations the better off you'll be, no matter what ends up happening. Our expectations are almost always what sets us up for failure.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Work is a great opportunity to detach. Leave your problems at the door and get to work!
Quote
She said we’re separated numerous times but did not drop the D bomb. I did say it was now a viable option. She fired back telling me that it’s going to be as painful as what we’re feeling now. I countered by saying that if it gives me a ticket to closing this awful chapter in my life I will do it. Her voice cracked when I said D. I needed to say it. I’m done being taken hostage to her actions.
To me, this shows that she isn't sure of divorce being what she wants. She cracked a little. Even though you were emotional, you told her you were strong enough to divorce to get to a better state. I think that statement shows a lot. And her reaction shows that she doesn't really want that either, or at least she hasn't decided yet. I think your strength, confidence, and lack of pursuit going forward will really be the difference in your situation. If you can detach emotionally from your W and just see the forest here, you can act in accordance with your values as a man instead of reacting to her childish actions. Do this even when it's hard.
Take back your power by detaching from her. Don't give her the security of plan B by pursuing and sharing your emotions with her. She wants that. But she doesn't want you, not really. So don't give her the pieces she wants without everything.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Work is a great opportunity to detach. Leave your problems at the door and get to work!
Quote
She said we’re separated numerous times but did not drop the D bomb. I did say it was now a viable option. She fired back telling me that it’s going to be as painful as what we’re feeling now. I countered by saying that if it gives me a ticket to closing this awful chapter in my life I will do it. Her voice cracked when I said D. I needed to say it. I’m done being taken hostage to her actions.
To me, this shows that she isn't sure of divorce being what she wants. She cracked a little. Even though you were emotional, you told her you were strong enough to divorce to get to a better state. I think that statement shows a lot. And her reaction shows that she doesn't really want that either, or at least she hasn't decided yet. I think your strength, confidence, and lack of pursuit going forward will really be the difference in your situation. If you can detach emotionally from your W and just see the forest here, you can act in accordance with your values as a man instead of reacting to her childish actions. Do this even when it's hard.
Take back your power by detaching from her. Don't give her the security of plan B by pursuing and sharing your emotions with her. She wants that. But she doesn't want you, not really. So don't give her the pieces she wants without everything.
This is a purely emotional thing I'm going to say now and there is some offensive language...Ready?
I'm going make the bitch work for her s*it now. She wants out? I'll give it to her. I'm willing to lose damn near everything, if it means I get another chance at happiness. And she damn well knows that. I deserve happiness. And I deserve closure. I am going to take charge of it and I will make it happen for me. If she wants to admit her f*ckups and give us another go, the door is always open. But I'm through with her WAW ways. I'm done being patient.
Work is a great opportunity to detach. Leave your problems at the door and get to work!
Quote
She said we’re separated numerous times but did not drop the D bomb. I did say it was now a viable option. She fired back telling me that it’s going to be as painful as what we’re feeling now. I countered by saying that if it gives me a ticket to closing this awful chapter in my life I will do it. Her voice cracked when I said D. I needed to say it. I’m done being taken hostage to her actions.
To me, this shows that she isn't sure of divorce being what she wants. She cracked a little. Even though you were emotional, you told her you were strong enough to divorce to get to a better state. I think that statement shows a lot. And her reaction shows that she doesn't really want that either, or at least she hasn't decided yet. I think your strength, confidence, and lack of pursuit going forward will really be the difference in your situation. If you can detach emotionally from your W and just see the forest here, you can act in accordance with your values as a man instead of reacting to her childish actions. Do this even when it's hard.
Take back your power by detaching from her. Don't give her the security of plan B by pursuing and sharing your emotions with her. She wants that. But she doesn't want you, not really. So don't give her the pieces she wants without everything.
Also, her uncle is separated from his W. They've been split for a year+ ( S not D) now but have their own R with different folks now. She assumes that her and I can do the same. I don't think I communicated that clearly because she hasn't brought it up, but I do know that it's not what I want.
She said we’re separated numerous times but did not drop the D bomb. I did say it was now a viable option. She fired back telling me that it’s going to be as painful as what we’re feeling now. I countered by saying that if it gives me a ticket to closing this awful chapter in my life I will do it. Her voice cracked when I said D. I needed to say it. I’m done being taken hostage to her actions.
It sounds like the conversation escalated quickly and badly. I guess that's what they say don't engage in R talks if you can avoid it. But I know that when your hurting you just want to hurt back. Maybe even jar them into snapping out of their madness. I've been there (before I found out about MLC). In the months post BD when I didn't know which way was up and which way was down I would swing from demanding he move out to begging him to stay. In fact, it was after a particularly painful MC session that I first said he should move out. The last R talk we had (no 2 this year) he brought out formalising the S and I said "why don't you just file the D papers. What's the point in going through an S". He walked out of the room, got in his car and the next day it was like the conversation never happened. In fact, he spent the next day cleaning and polishing my car. For no apparent reason.
I know it's tough. Take some time out, let the emotions subside a little. Decide if D is what you really want. Things may be different when you take all the hightened emotions out of the equation. Or they may not. But examine your reasons for wanting the D in a more rational frame of mind.
BTW - the S and D talk was 2 weeks ago. He has not mentioned S or D since. I bet your W doesn't mention it again for a while either.
I know it's tough. Take some time out, let the emotions subside a little. Decide if D is what you really want. Things may be different when you take all the hightened emotions out of the equation. Or they may not. But examine your reasons for wanting the D in a more rational frame of mind.
It started in the afternoon when D4 told me about their continued demonstration of PDA in front of her. I calmly asked her to stop. W denied it but I do not believe her. She is lying. While I have not told that yet, I have fully embraced that NOTHING she says is true. I then made a mistake of telling her that I am getting tired of this. I told her that she knows what I want and I cannot convince her. She acknowledged at all of the positive changes I made and I validated them, followed by telling her the weight of the S is taking a toll on me and I do not know how much more I can take. Civil conversation.
Then I saw the emails later that evening and I crashed. Hard.
I did not mention to her that I saw them...yet.
But I told her that I cannot deal with this anymore. And how can I? She's slowly killing me and she has the audacity to say that she is worried about my health for D4. I told her that D4 and I will be fine. I again repeated that I want this painful chapter in my life to be over so I can be happy again without this weight on me.
D is not what I want at all. But my options have practically run out. And it was ME who brought up D. Not her. She does not want it and refused to say that word. I had the brevity to say it because again if it will break me free, I will do it. I refuse to stay in limbo any longer than I need to.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Hows the GAL going?
Total failure last weekend. Tried to play with D4 and take my mind off things, but I mostly stayed in bed and cried. I popped two Xanax last night just so that I can catch up on needed sleep. I lift tonight then I go to my home to sleep in MY bed. I am really trying to GAL but it's getting harder and harder. I work until late then I have to lift. After that, I pray and drive back. When W is with OM I have D4, in which I try to engage with but it's very hard to keep up. I need to be a better father to her especially in this difficult time.
