First and foremost I do apologize for any sentences that makes no sense, as English is not my maternal language.
3 months ago, I was smacked in the face, when my lover, mother of my children, and partner in life decided sit me down in the couch and tell me, that she no longer wanted to be with me, and that it was over.
Background:
We have had a great run being together from age 17-30. We have experienced life together, but also apart as our educations and job gave us time apart. Unfortunately, I became sick 6 years ago, and I was not able to provide her with the love, affection and caring that she needed. I developed a depression, that kept me in a state of wanting to be alone and being "grumpy?" all the time. This came in periods, and she stood by me even though it was difficult. There were really great periods in between though, we actually talked in march 2017 about getting married in 2020. We have a 5 year old and a 1 1/2 year old and we bought a house 3 years ago. She said on occasion, however rarely, that she needed more affection and for me to share how I felt about her. I wasn't good enough to honor those demands clearly. However I did and do love her more than the moon and stars combined.
Back to the story:
I asked her on that night, if she had met someone else, because then I would not stand in her way, even though it killed me to see her destroy our family life - she said there weren't anyone else, but that she had felt unhappy for a long time, and that her feelings had gone.
I told her, that we had to at least try and fight for our sake and for the sake our kids. She agreed to go to a marriage therapist, and we did, 4 times. She however did not open up and talk about herself, but merely stated she was there for me to get on with my life in a good way. We had couples and individual sessions. Then on a thursday before we had our next session lined up, she went to work one night and said she would be late - i didn't think much of it, grabbed my pc and went online to do some work. She had forgotten to sign out of a social media - and there was the evidence. She had been engaging in sexual activities with a coworker for the entire time we had been going to a MC. I was heartbroken. I texted her and told her that I had found out, and I wanted her to come home so we could talk about it as adults. The answer was that she thought it was a bad idea and she was sorry i found out that way - I could call the therapist if I needed someone to talk to. In the evidence, there was a clear plan on how she was supposed to inform me about her new relationship at the next MC session, and they had been spending some time brewing that together.
I felt absolutely mortified - because for the 3 weeks we had been going to sessions, I worked my heart out trying to save the bits and pieces of my relationship, and did everything in my power to keep her stressfree, so she could work with herself - all while, this was going on behind me back. She later confided in me, that she and him had been starting this affair out emotionally in June 2018, and she ended it with me in august 18.
Then two months passed, where I was trying to figure out wether to stay or not because she kept giving me mixed signals. She would tell me we were over, and should sell the house and clear custody, and the next evening she would be crying her heart out telling me how much she missed me.
Then 1 week ago, I told her, that I could not keep this up anymore, and even though the kids are small, they are taking notice of the change in the way we are around each other. So I texted her from work, asking her what she thought was going on. She told me that she had shifted towards me, that she felt like she missed me again and it was really nice and it made her happy - my response was "that makes me happy too". The same night she was going to the OM, and she talked in the afternoon about how she would most likely be upset when she got back home, so i shouldn't stay up and wait for her. I left a note in her car that afternoon, saying that she should consider making a choice now, cause it was not healthy for the OM, me or her to keep this up in the long run.
The day after she wrote me, that she was in love with the OM, that all she told me was untrue, and that she only had feelings for me in a sense of safety and the story we share. I was once again shattered.
We live together while the house is selling, she is trying to be friends with me for the kids sake, and she drives out to the OM to engage in PA with him and sleep at his house, whenever his kids are not there. She recently signed up at a "house rental agency" to get an appartment. I wrote her an email today with an apology, because I told her some ugly things a week ago (the first and only time I lost my cool in this whole process), and I wanted her to know, that I was not that kind of a person. But it had me going because I was so baffled of the fact that she didn't even have it in her for one bit to pull the handbreak and evaluate the situation, fight for her family and kids or anything. She just up and left, and acted like I and "us" never existed.
Her response was: I understand why you became upset and hurt, there are so many feelings involved in this. I just want us to be friends going through this, but I understand if we can't be. Have a great day at work and a good workout tonight.
I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just give in and say goodbye? I feel like she was swept away by this predator when she needed love and affection the most, and he was right there when i couldn't be. Now im well, my medicine is working, and I have gotten my life back. I also started working out, running, seeing people and doing sports. She noticed all of this, and on more than one occasion told me, that she thinks that I look amazing, that all the things that annoyed her are gone but the feelings are gone too. She also said that she hopes i find another girl soon but not someone prettier than her.. She told me multiple times that the changes in me are surreal, but she never spoke to me about her true needs, and therefore i couldn't change before she ended it and opened her mouth. The changes were not hard to do, however I had no clue I HAD to do them because she didn't speak up.
I acknowledge, that a lot of this is my fault, but if there is any chance of salvaging our 13 years and start on a fresh, I would really appreciate the help.
Thanks, and sorry for my poor english.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Your second duplicate thread was deleted, have patience for your posts to be approved until you get off of moderation
I do apologize . I thought I accidentally deleted the first post (I read "past" the fact that the posts have to be approved by mods).
Thank you for letting me know about the duplicate thread.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
I have begun applying the rules from the Sandi thread - She is acting friendly and asked me yesterday evening where I was going, and today she asked if I was going out, to which I replied, yes I am going out with a friend. She doesn't take any more interest, and I believe it is a matter of her just knowing if I will be in the house or not, nothing else.
I will enforce the rules, and focus on myself, since I have pleaded, begged and done all the wrong things already over the past 3 months, so this is my last shot at it, and whatever happens hopefully by focusing on me, I will come out stronger. She doesn't seem concerned or interested in me or my wellbeing anymore, and I have begun searching for a new living space for me and my two kids and I actually do not dread the idea, even though I of course wish that we will figure this out. She is very much in love with the OM it seems, and I don't know of it is infatuation / love fog, or if she really detached completely and just moved on.
Hoping for some input
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
She wrote me a text message today at work: She wants us to talk tonight about contacting more real estate brokers, so the house can sell faster.
She also wants us to talk about custody because her psyciatrist told her yesterday, that it was unhealthy for us to be in the same household anymore when we were splitting up (???? i don't get that advice - she also advised my ex to tell me that we should have a 7-7 days agreement with our kids because we were both great parents <-- the woman has never met me, nor is she a child specialist, how can she possible give that kind of advice?)
Basically she wants to talk tonight about making an agreement on who is in the house during the week, she wants to stay a couple of days, and then I can come and stay a couple of days - I think this will confuse the kids, but I don't know how to talk to her about this - In all honesty, I think if she is in such a rush, she should just move out ?
I am desperate for some insight / help / guidance????????
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Yes I did, and he advised me against moving out as well. I do believe I will be telling her tonight, that since she is the one to break up the family, it is only reasonable that she is the one, who leaves the family house until it is sold, if that is what she needs in order to heal.
I will be paying attention and showing her that I listen to what she has to say, and I will control my feelings, even if she acts out of way, however I will be firm on the fact, that I am not moving out, along as the house is not sold.
Im still so very baffled by the fact, that a woman can fall in love, and choose to ruin her family within 6 weeks. However I am beginning to realize that I have to move forward, and let her do her thing (even though it is really hard).
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Just remember believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. At this point she has no respect for you as a man and lying to you will be easy because of it.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Im still so very baffled by the fact, that a woman can fall in love, and choose to ruin her family within 6 weeks. However I am beginning to realize that I have to move forward, and let her do her thing (even though it is really hard).
Yes it is all part of the script and she is executing it perfectly.
Time for you to just not worry about her but worry about your children and yourself.
Work on your depression and be the best DAD you can be.
Read as much as you can here and you will learn that you are not alone.
. I thought I accidentally deleted the first post (I read "past" the fact that the posts have to be approved by mods).