Cancel the marriage counseling session and stay in IC. You're wasting your money while she is in an affair. MC is for when she is committed to the marriage.
So, what do I say when she asks why I'm cancelling?
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
You and I both know you are still in contact with OM. We can not actively work on our marriage when there is a third party involved.
End of story.
That's exactly what I was thinking. This would be a boundary I can enforce without leaving it up to her to "enforce" which I flubbed up over the weekend.
I think her response is going to be: "These joint sessions aren't for working on our marriage. They are for me to give me a "safe" place to share my thoughts and feelings in a way to try to figure out where we go from here."
While I believe this still falls under the 'working on our M' umbrella, I've learned over the past 4 weeks that whatever I think, she thinks the opposite. Oh well, I'm still going to move forward as you suggest.
Last edited by Wanted1; 10/22/1801:33 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
She is not working on the marriage. Believe me you will know when she is working on the marriage.
Oh trust me, I know. She keeps hiding behind the "I need time and space to figure it out" mindset. She did tell me that she's not had the urge in the past month to work on things so far. Part of that is probably my fault for not giving her the time and space to think things through. I've tried, but every 5-6 days I have a weak moment and go to her with more of my thoughts and feelings. I know this doesn't help. I'm probably a slow learner, but after a month of the same actions with no positive results, I'm all in now on not conversing with her about those things anymore.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Yup. The sooner you stop that, the better. Plus the more you say, the more ammo she gets.
The “individual” in “IC” is what counts. If she wants a safe space to talk about her feelings, she can do that in private like everyone else.
For the boundary, maybe a slightly more positive spin. You’re willing to work on the M and do MC when she’s ready. Not just “ditch OM first” but more like, “take your time, do what you need to do, and when you’re ready I’ll see where I’m at and we can discuss it then.”
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Yup. The sooner you stop that, the better. Plus the more you say, the more ammo she gets.
The “individual” in “IC” is what counts. If she wants a safe space to talk about her feelings, she can do that in private like everyone else.
For the boundary, maybe a slightly more positive spin. You’re willing to work on the M and do MC when she’s ready. Not just “ditch OM first” but more like, “take your time, do what you need to do, and when you’re ready I’ll see where I’m at and we can discuss it then.”
Good advice. Thanks.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I agree with LC and burned here W. She needs IC, you need DB, MC is a no go. Read Cadet´s first post again. you need to reinforce DB. Take your time. Time and patience. Time and patience. Work on yourself, detach, GAL.
You are just starting your journey man...it´s a marathon, breathe...
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
