H:"W, We both know you are still in contact with OM. I decided there is no point in going to MC."
I disagree.
DBing should make you a better version of yourself, not a worse one.
It's fine not to go, but tell the counselor and your W in advance.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I had my IC session yesterday, so I had planned ahead of time to discuss with her my hesitations for doing the joint session with everyone next week. I basically had 3 reasons why I was hesitant. 1) that I saw no upside in doing it. W basically went through her litany of all the reasons she feels the way she does in the first session and I don't think she needed a platform to say anymore. Message was received loud and clear in the first session. 2) I explained to my IC the technique I'm now implementing with LRT. 3) I felt since OM is still actively communicating with W, there is no need to do this joint session if the goal was to possibly talk about moving toward R even if the the chance seemed very slim.
The good news is, she agreed with me 100%. After I told her those 3 reasons, she agreed with being hesitant as well but also said she wanted to keep it scheduled for now because she wanted to discuss with W's IC the apprehension both of us felt in doing it. She said that maybe W's IC knows something that was shared in one of our individual sessions that W hasn't communicated to me or didn't communicate in the joint session last week. I told her I am willing to wait and see if she comes up with reason for keeping it on the books.
So, after I got back from IC, I was at my computer at work and had a notification that there was a potential breach on my email so it wanted me to create a new password. Once I did, I had about 50 emails come through that I hadn't gotten up until that point. Included in those emails was one from my W that was sent at 7 AM yesterday morning. She talked about what all went on over the past weekend. Thanked me for all the kind words that I had said. Told me she's so happy "for me" for the changes that I've been making. Told me it lights up her world that I'm taking a more active approach with the kids' daily lives and I've become more patient with them, etc. However, she went on to say that some of the other stuff I said to her were things that maybe I didn't intend to come across as bad or to make her feel guilty but those things "again, can't be undone." (Throughout this whole process she just holds on to the one or 2 things that she infers as bad. I can say 1,000 nice and loving things and might make a mistake by using LOGIC on 1 comment and that it what she takes and runs with) She went on to say that she feels as though she needs to take this job she's been offered for herself. That working with my family has always been a difficult dynamic for her. She also went on to say that she doesn't think she can continue living with me but is terrified, just as I am, about what that will look like.
One comment in her email really stuck out. She told me that I paint this perfect picture of what a perfect life would look like but it doesn't include the fact that 'she doesn't want to be my wife,' or something to that effect. She also mentioned when we had our discussion on Friday night that she made the comment to me that "she doesn't feel like she can be a wife right now." She claims I immediately disregarded her comment and didn't think about it for one second, and instead I responded that that isn't true that she's loving and kind and she has been and can be a good wife to me. Again, my intention in making that comment was the complete opposite of how she took it.
Needless to say, I think the email password snafu was an accidental 180 for me! As soon as she got home from work and I was in the MBR, she came to me to ask if I had any questions about what she wrote to me. I said, "no not really. It was basically everything you've expressed to me in the past." She then asked a couple more questions trying to get me to open up which I didn't respond to. Then she asked how my session went. I told her it went pretty good and then told her I went into the session with hesitations about doing another joint session that's been scheduled and told IC the reasons for my hesitation and she agreed with me. W then asked "Are you going to share those reasons with me?" Which I responded, "If you want me to I can," to which she replied "yes." I then told her. The conversation lasted about an hour. She kept imploring me that she doesn't view the communication with OM has mutually exclusive to our R. That they just talk about random stuff. I told her, while that might be true, that isn't the point. The point is you are still communicating with someone you met 3 months ago, you've had a history with and you sent a picture of our son to him. That right there tells me that it does involve our R.
She then asked me what I see as the benefit of her ceasing contact with him. If she sent him a text telling OM they can no longer communicate and if she let me see her send it, what do I see coming from that. I told her, I don't know what would come from it and I don't think you know either. You might think this has no bearing on your feelings but you can't be sure of that. Subconsciously it might be the reason you are so adamant about not wanting to at least consider the possibility of R with me. I told her I don't intend to tell her what her thoughts and feelings are, but I said I honestly don't think either of us really know until it would happen and we can see if there are any results. I told her my IC agreed with me 100% that there is no way a M can be R if a third party is involved. My IC said "that's marital counseling 101."
She seemed understanding. Started to cry and I think she was about ready to break because she something along the lines of "I just don't know what to do," or something similar. The reason I can't remember is because right when she was saying that it was 6PM and I had a scheduled call with my DB coach. So, another accidental 180 for me since I told her we can pick up with this conversation if you want later, but I have to make a call. In the past, I'm the one that had kept talking and talking and talking and never really halted the conversation on my own terms or prematurely.
Later on after we got the kids to bed she came back to me and said "I don't remember where we were at." and I said "I don't remember either." She responded with "Is there any more questions or anything that you want to discuss?" to which I replied "Not really." She then went on to say that maybe we can talk more in a day or 2 and I said Ok. She ended the conversation, however with telling me that she realizes we both have the kids' best intentions at heart and that she hopes it will continue to be that way and that we can work together in fulfilling those intentions moving forward. I said "Yep," and then she left.
Not sure if that last comment was her sort of "pulling back" after what I kind of felt was a potential breaking point for her before I had to end the conversation earlier or not. Hard to judge anything and I have zero expectations moving forward. That just seems like the best mindset at this point. However, I can't help but notice even the tiniest baby step of her coming to me to talk. I'm sure she was preparing for me to fire off a long drawn out email in response to hers and even though I wouldn't have if I would have received right away in the morning when she sent it, the fact that she was curious enough to come to me after work is something she has never done before. I hate to put too much stock into it but at the same time I want to claim at least a small victory to make myself feel better!
She has her next IC session tomorrow. I'm going to wait and see if she shares what takes place in hers or not. I'm not going to ask. If she wants to come to me and tell me, I'll listen.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Less is more. Say only what you need to say. Come to this board to vent the rest. Anything you say can and will be used against you. It's like a twisted 5th Amendment for the LBS.
Don't nail the coffin shut. Hand her the hammer.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
W has her IC session today. First one since the joint session we had last week. I'm hoping her IC can maybe shed some light on some of the issues she's dealing with after she heard directly from me in the joint session. At one point in the session W's IC remarked after something I said "this shows the complete breakdown in communication where you intend one thing and W hears something completely different."
It has been quite a roller coaster these past couple days. Starting with the letter she sent me. At that point I figured all hope was lost and was beginning to accept the inevitable. Then I started seeing a glimmer of hope in the conversation we had but then yesterday when I found out she's accepting this new job it feels as though that's one more step in the direction that she's planning on moving on and I'm not in her plans for the future.
Just now, I asked her if she wanted to go to daily mass this morning and she said yes and then followed it up with "You are going too right?" I told her that I was planning on it.
The next step will be to see if she still feels like she needs to move out. I have suspicion she was looking at a place to rent yesterday but can't verify for sure. If she ends up telling me she is going to, I'm not sure how to handle it. I think she's going to try to float the idea of her still coming to our house to eat, put kids to bed and then go back to her place to sleep. This arrangement doesn't seem any different than what we are doing right now. She's upstairs for all of that and then once the kids are in bed she goes downstairs. I'm not sure if I should ask her how moving out is going to change anything if her intention is still to be around the house while the kids are up.
Part of me wants to tell her I'm not comfortable with that arrangement. I think she needs to full digest what it will be like living separately. It's her decision and she needs to deal with the consequences. She will tell me "its best for the kids to slowly let them adapt." But I want to reply that I'm willing to cause the kids a little bit of discomfort temporarily so you can feel what it's going to be like if D is inevitable. I guess I'm going to continue to think and pray about how that conversation should go if it does come up. Just trying to be prepared for it and not screw it up royally!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
If she ends up telling me she is going to, I'm not sure how to handle it. I think she's going to try to float the idea of her still coming to our house to eat, put kids to bed and then go back to her place to sleep.
W this arrangement doesn't work for me. We both need space from one another to figure out what we want in the future. If you are around all the time we won't be getting the space we need.
If she ends up telling me she is going to, I'm not sure how to handle it. I think she's going to try to float the idea of her still coming to our house to eat, put kids to bed and then go back to her place to sleep.
W this arrangement doesn't work for me. We both need space from one another to figure out what we want in the future. If you are around all the time we won't be getting the space we need.
Thanks, LH.
I was thinking along similar lines:
“W, I don’t see how your arrangement is any different that what is taking place right now with you in the basement. I don’t think what you are proposing works for me. We both need time and space to figure out what we want moving forward. That hasn’t been working for these past 5 weeks so it will just be more of the same.”
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I bet she will use words I’ve said in the past against me after I tell her this.
In the past, when she’s said the “kids will be fine,” I’ve said, “I know they will be fine. But I want them to be great. And it is my belief that children should have both parents present in their lives everyday, not just half of the time.”
How I want to respond, if she tries to use that against me: “I know I said that and I still believe that and will always believe it, but this is your decision not mine.”
Last edited by Wanted1; 10/24/1802:18 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
How I want to respond, if she tries to use that against me: “I know I said that and I still believe that and will always believe it, but this is your decision not mine.”
Why do you have to respond? She has her opinion and you have your opinion.
Again, you are trying to use logic and reason and guilt to get her to stay with you. Won't work.
