Where things stand: W is going to S and move into her new house she is purchasing 1 week from this posting date. Due to delays in the court system the D will be finalized sometime in Jan. We are rapping up splitting the finances and will tell the kids tomorrow. It's going to be a tough weekend. Again18 gave me a pretty good 2x4 and the W was chewing me out that evening with similar sentiments. I thought I was doing well, but I may be overconfident, and/or arrogant. W complained that I was looking down on her from on high, being too harsh, telling her what's what and not giving her say. I am going to stand back so she can have say wrt to telling the kids as long she wants it to be neutral. My confidence has been rocked, I am not standing on firm ground like I thought I was. I have a lot of work to do on myself. My IC session didn't go as well as I had hoped, it was a learning experience with not many definite answers, mostly just big challenges for improvement I will need to overcome. The mountain just keeps getting higher and higher. I have been crying a lot again. I prayed to God last night, I said I thought I knew where I was going, but really I'm just lost. I am giving up and I am putting it all in God's hands now.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/26/1801:16 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Believe it or not you are doing better probably then anyone I have seen on here in the last two years. Everything is happening really quick for you and you are learning on the fly. I would rather see you overconfident/arrogant then a blubbering wimp. It's not easy when your BF of 20 years since high school says "this life we have, no I don't want it anymore" and you have absolutely no say in the matter. It's destabilizing and most likely the worst feeling you will ever have in your life.
I am a big quote guy, I have them all over my house now. How about a good Rocky quote:
"It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and it has been a rough one for you. This latest event for you I imagine hurts bad.
So give yourself a day or two (or three or four or however long you need) to feel your emotions. Cry, vent here...I'd give you my phone number if I could, eat ice cream, or whatever. No alcohol or drugs!
And the mountain does get higher and higher, but you know what? As you climb you gain a little bit more of strength and endurance. Keep climbing.
Pray to God to give you and your kids comfort. Pray for peace for your W. I'm praying for you too.
Looking confident and being arrogant are two different things folks. You can be confident without being arrogant. TF I was saying the same prayer a few weeks ago. My wife was on the fence seriously contemplating leaving the relationship. She expressed seriously that she did not know what to do. Obviously, I cannot tell her what to do even though I feel my advice is sound, and that I did not feel our relationship is as bad as she feels that it is. Instead, I prayed to God and I told him it was in his hands. I assured my wife when opportunities arose that I did not blame her that I am very aware that I play a major part in how she feels. I assured her that I know she loves me and that I know she cares about me. But I did not offer up suggestions, or solutions or try and tell her how she must be feeling. I put that in God's hands.
TF my wife has stepped back from that cliff again, and I thank God and glorify him for that because she had to make a very tough decision in her mind to stay. Not saying I won't find myself here again. But at least, for the time being, I feel like I'm standing on firm ground.
If you feel judgment in your heart that your wife is making a bad decision, and no doubt all of us feel that she probably is, but in her mind, she has justified that she is making the right decision, then she senses by your words and actions that you are judging her. She senses that you feel superior to her because you aren't the one walking out and you make it clear that her walking out makes her selfish when in her mind she has rationalized that she has finally built confidence and strength and you can't even acknowledge that. This is what makes you arrogant. Only when you sit her down and take responsibility for your actions (give examples of what those actions look like) in this marriage that has gotten you two to this point and not mention once anything she has done or is doing in an attempt to reflect it back on her will she actually feel like she doesn't have to justify her reasons for leaving anymore. When you tell her that you know that she does care about you, the kids and the family but that you see a renewed sense of strength and confidence that you have not seen in a while in her. That you acknowledge that you know she has had to make some of the toughest decisions in her life and you know that she did not come to this lightly, but you understand she had to make a decision and you respect that. Only then will that weight be lifted off her shoulders. That is when she can start to heal and that is when she will start to see you as a different person than she has been rationalizing you as in her head. Once you start this process though it will not change overnight. All of this takes time. A lot of time. When I did this with my wife several months ago, all she said was wow. However, that didn't mean she trusted me right then and there it took months of her processing it and me showing and saying these things over and over again letting her know that I don't know what she's feeling I can only imagine it's very difficult and I'm available if she ever wants to talk. Good luck TF keep up the good work and don't give up just because hard. But understand this has been hard on her too and yes she's giving up but look at how many times you have contemplated giving up.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
My confidence has been rocked, I am not standing on firm ground like I thought I was. I have a lot of work to do on myself. My IC session didn't go as well as I had hoped, it was a learning experience with not many definite answers, mostly just big challenges for improvement I will need to overcome. The mountain just keeps getting higher and higher. I have been crying a lot again.
TF, I hope you are prepared to hear this, maybe you should sit down. You my friend, are.... normal! We ALL go through this or have been through it. Progress followed by reality checks that our progress isn't as far as we thought. You may have seen me post this before but I tell people I first "dropped the rope" about 6 months after BD. Then a year after BD I really did drop the rope, and laughed at myself for actually thinking I had before. Then at 18 months I REALLY dropped the rope and once again realized how I had fooled myself before that. With the benefit of hindsight you will see just how long and difficult your journey really was. You'll have many of these ups and downs along the way, just roll with it. Cry, scream, curse the skies above, go lift some really heavy weights. Work it out of your system. And keep moving forward.
By the way your ability to voice this doesn't show vulnerability, it shows strength. You are doing better than you think. I see a few people on these forums living in denial, you are miles ahead of them in growth.
TF, One way I look at things that has helped me out a great deal is looking at what that mountain actually is and what was in front of you before. Myself, I was trudging along a flat prairie going through the motions. When I found myself in the situation I am currently in and the wake up call struck I had all the same feelings about this massive change in front of me that needed to be made and felt exactly as you, "This mountain just keeps getting bigger and bigger and my progress is getting slower and slower". I have more bad days then good, I am just stepping onto the mountain, I find myself wanting to climb as fast as I can. Thanks to several folks on here I get brought back to reality and take a step back. None of us are perfect, we all have a dark side, we all have made a lot of mistakes that got us into these situations. Recognizing that we need to make changes, genuinely wanting to be better human beings and just stepping onto that mountain puts all of us a step above the rest. Keep your head up and keep climbing.
Where things stand: W is going to S and move into her new house she is purchasing 1 week from this posting date. Due to delays in the court system the D will be finalized sometime in Jan. We are rapping up splitting the finances and will tell the kids tomorrow. It's going to be a tough weekend. Again18 gave me a pretty good 2x4 and the W was chewing me out that evening with similar sentiments. I thought I was doing well, but I may be overconfident, and/or arrogant. W complained that I was looking down on her from on high, being too harsh, telling her what's what and not giving her say. I am going to stand back so she can have say wrt to telling the kids as long she wants it to be neutral. My confidence has been rocked, I am not standing on firm ground like I thought I was. I have a lot of work to do on myself. My IC session didn't go as well as I had hoped, it was a learning experience with not many definite answers, mostly just big challenges for improvement I will need to overcome. The mountain just keeps getting higher and higher. I have been crying a lot again. I prayed to God last night, I said I thought I knew where I was going, but really I'm just lost. I am giving up and I am putting it all in God's hands now.
Wow Twofeet. While heart-wrenching this is an amazingly open and honest post. See here is the thing. None of us are perfect. All of the confidence and arrogance, and thinking we are perfect doesn't change that. The posters that struggle the most here are the ones that think they know it all. That think they are above reproach. That think their own issues are resolved, or never existed, and that they are somehow the victim. Granted all WASs are different, some are worse than others. But NO LBS is perfect. Even after deep self-reflection, and working on ourselves, and doing everything we can to 180 bad behaviors.....none of us are perfect.
The day we think we can't improve, that we can't grow, that we can't be even better is the day that we will rot in our misery and failure. I read your paragraph above and I see a broken man. But I also see a man that is recognizing his shortcomings, his imperfections and his need to grow. None of us know each other. We can project any image we want. We can hide negative details about ourselves and pretend that we are perfect. But those that are honest with themselves, like you above, are the ones that have the best chance of moving forward, onward and upward!
A week ago I snooped on my W. Her and I have been in R and piecing for nearly 8 months. I had a moment of weakness and snooped. And I found nothing except my own guilt. I could have hidden it. Buried it. Never fessed up to it here. But would I learn and grow from that? Or would true learning and growth only come from being honest about my shortcomings?
Twofeet you are going to be okay sir. No matter what happens in your MR, you are going to be fine. Because you are an inspiration to all of us about how to self-reflect and move forward. (And trusting in and leaning on God is awfully wise of you too!)
Last edited by Steve85; 10/26/1810:07 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 sums it up perfectly. It's human nature to think better of ourselves, even looking in the mirror at ourselves we tend to pose and only show ourselves our good side. But you are a good man not perfect but always working on becoming a better you as we a better I. We may feel broken but that doesn't mean we or are situations are unfixable. Keep on Keeping on brother.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
