Is this a normal response to a 180?

[cdd1976]

I had the kids all weekend and I totally failed with my efforts to detach. I was so bothered wondering what he might be doing this weekend and with who. I sent him a couple texts on Saturday. Just random crap. He responded. Nothing big but I wish I hadn’t done it.

I went out Saturday and Monday night when I didn’t have the kids. He sent me text messages late in the evening on both nights asking what I was up to. I said I was out with friends.

Today we both volunteered at my son’s Halloween party at school. After it was done, he sent me a text saying I looked really good and was definitely a MILF 🙄. I joked with him and said thanks. Then literally two minutes later he said “On another note...” and proceeded to ask me my lawyer’s contact info so his lawyer could finalize the parenting plan. Then he asked if I’d taken the state mandated parenting class that’s required within 60 days of filing for divorce (which he hasn’t done yet but says he will once the parenting plan is finalized). Then he pressures me about how slow my job search is going, even though a week and a half ago he sweetly told me not to worry and he was still here to support me until I found a job. He was nice about all this, but how do you go from flirting with me and calling me a MILF to parenting plan/divorce details in the span of two minutes? Ugh.

[SteveLW]

It is simple. He caught himself, and felt like he was giving you false hope, so he switched back to making sure you were aware and knew that he wasn't giving up on the D. This is very very common. Early on in my sitch my W would do the same thing. We'd have a nice time together, the next day she wanted to make sure the day before had changed nothing.

cdd, you will continue to struggle by continuing to put so much focus on what he says and does. Work on detaching.....whether he says he loves you and wants to be with you forever, or says he was the D finalized yesterday, you need to be steady and sure. Not excited by the first one, not devastated by the second. I see you are doing GAL activities, but notice how he temp checks you while you are? "What are you doing?" IGNORE THAT. It is none of his freaking business!! He is firing you as his W, yet then wants to track you like a H would track a W. DO NOT LET HIM DO THAT. Decisions have consequences, make he feel those consequences.

If you feel you have to respond then how about "NOYB". Personally I think you should just ignore it. Later you when he says "You didn't answer my text." You can say "Sorry, I was busy."

cdd, have you read DB/DR? Because I am not seeing a lot of DB/DR techniques in your interactions. Flirting?!? Why would you flirt back with him?

Remember this rule on texting: Texts that are not questions: DO NOT RESPOND. Texts that are questions, answer on your own time (IE not right away), and then in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

STOP BEING AT HIS BECKON CALL.

[cdd1976]

Thanks for your feedback Steve85. I have read DB and DR. I successfully implement the strategies for a week or two and then fall back into things. The only thing I've been able to stop doing successfully for the last month and a half is begging and pleading and wanting to talk about the relationship. But detaching, reaching out to him, responding to him...it's been hard.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was scared to make him mad, that it would make him decide to file for divorce for sure. But in reality, he may or may not do it whether or not I make him mad. And you had said I need to stop being afraid of making him mad and stop being afraid that he will file for divorce.

I have a coach who has been telling me to lose my fear of losing him. I know I need to try harder.

[cdd1976]

Had an emotional night last night. I was paying the bills and when paying the cell phone bills I saw he had talked to his lawyer yesterday afternoon. I know, DB rule - don’t look at phone records. I immediately picked up DR and reread the whole book again.

Oddly, he text me last night asking what I was up to. I had the kids so that was odd. I didn’t respond.

I’m having an emotional day feeling divorce filing is imminent. Any words of encouragement and strength to move forward and detach, even if they are harsh words as I feel I need a good jolt/kick to get my senses back, would be appreciated. Trying to think positive and focus on me.

[SteveLW]

Remember, D is not the end of the world. Many couples D, but end up back together. Just keep DBing. Whether he comes back, files, or even if the D goes all the way through to finalization, KEEP DBing!

You got this cdd. Remember, HE doesn't DESERVE YOU! He should be begging you to take him back. He should be hoping YOU don't file for D.

Flip the script. The worst thing you could do right now is to let him back too easily.

[cdd1976]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Steve85. I needed that.

[TJT]

I realize now that my W did everything she could to get me to file for a D. I didnt take the bait, because i dont believe in it. She will have to live with what shes done to our family and she will have to take responsibility for D to our S.

This is something I have the hardest with. I am realizing the same in my sitch, that my H really just wants me to file to make his own guilt lessen.

I am conflicted with that because I feel like if I filed for D, it would be the ultimate 180. However, I don't actually want the D, and I feel like it just gives him what he wants then...but if he doesn't seem to be basing any other behavior on the legal fact of us being married or not, then I wonder if I should care either and at least D just to avoid further financial/legal complications down the road. But then I go back the other way again, thinking that under no circumstances should I do it because it's HIS choices that he needs to execute.

My H has even agreed to pay me money directly for his portion of things that I'm still paying, since legally I can't just kick him off of some accounts (at least not without high risk to me). And I'm sitting here trying to imagine, for how long is H going to be willing to pay money directly to his still-W that he's no longer living with? I mean, any person who knows he's A) still married, and B) paying money to me because we're still married and haven't separated finances, would have to be crazy not to raise an eyebrow.

But, the crazy land of la la is indeed real. There is absolute proof of that!

[cdd1976]

Hi TJT. There are days I want to file because he wouldn’t expect it from me so I know what you mean. At the same time, I don’t want to D and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threw it in my face later and say “Well you’re the one who filed.”

I read your post and your sitch is different than mine in that I am not working (I worked part time as a consultant and my contract happened to end the same time I found out about the OW and we separated), and he makes so much more money than I would working full time. I feel like the only reason he’s not filing is because he’s waiting for me to get a full time job so he doesn’t have to pay a lot in alimony.

I do think for my H he feels like he can’t fully detach from me unless he files for D. He still checks up on me and acts jealous, and I think he goes back and forth and doesn’t like feeling like he’s not in control of things. He also said a few months ago that he just wants to find someone new and start over. I’m sure he knows his chances of finding someone new to date seriously, whether it’s a new woman or the OW divorces her husband too and starts things up with my H again, is much easier if he’s D vs just separated. So I’m sure that’s a motivating factor.

Tonight I dropped the kids off at his place. I tried not to say too much but he could read my face and asked what was wrong. I said I was fine and tried to leave. Really I was just anxious and emotional from the thought of impending D. He hugged me and told me that he knows I’m stressed about finding a job. He said “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re the mother of my children and I love you. And I mean that.” I wanted to laugh in his face and say “Are you f*#@ing kidding me. You’re not going anywhere? So moving yourself and all your things out of the house and planning to file divorce means you’re still here for me just because you’re still paying the bills...our bills?!?!” Unbelievable. I guess that’s how he makes himself feel less guilty and positions himself as the “good guy.” I didn’t say anything but afterwards I felt so angry. I guess it was good because it motivated me more to “flip the script” as Steve85 said.

[cdd1976]

If anyone is reading right now, could really use your advice. He just sent me a text message and said he wants to talk to me tonight. He said "We need to be separate. Move on. I want to move towards divorce and I want to talk to you about how you want to do that. We can file or we can mediate. My lawyer says mediate if we can. I am happy to do that. But I want your input and will go whatever way you want. We have mediated well with the kids. I like our plan. We partnered well and that is working."

I am a mess right now. I know there is nothing I can do. People say I should just say "ok," but I feel like there's so much I want to say to him to get him to change his mind.

[Davide]

cdd,

That's a tough message to receive. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

It's a bit much for him to send you a message like that out of the blue and expect you to have "that" talk the same day. It's completely normal to be a mess after receiving that. I would simply respond that you need a little time to think and that you will get back to him with a day/time you can talk. Do it on your terms, not his.

Hang in there.