D8 wants to have me over as well to have Thanksgiving as a family. I say its your moms scheduled holiday I am not sure she wants to have me over.
H:"D, I will talk to mom and one of us will let you know our decision." Your kids will know it is mom's decision. You know what the decision will be.
Other options: "Your mom and I have (or made) an agreement that says (Whatever your arrangments are):
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D8 gets upset so W says yeah we can do Thanksgiving together, but gives me a look.
This is even harder.
Man up, tell W you have made other plans. Let W deal with upset D during Thanksgiving. This is counter intuitive. But give her space.
I have kids this Thanksgiving. X has them on Friday. Next year it flips. X always has Xmas Eve, I always have Xmas Day. Not sure what your arrangements are, but this works for us.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
MiL shows up and W says to me, "you and MiL go ahead and take the kids I am going to stay home. Mentally I am thinking oh no I am not dealing with this B.S. you are handing out so I told wife "Are you kidding me?
I am not really in a place to offer advice but wanted to touch on this part and get everyone's opinion for myself and for you. I read this and all i could think is why? This is a touchy subject with the kids being involved but here are my thoughts as they relate to my sitch. My W is doing much the same when it comes to the kids. Basically she went from being the best mom in the world to also walking away from them post BD. At first I was trying the same tactic you employed, lately I am doing the opposite. Now I simply go out and do my thing with the kids. We have a great time together, i make it as fun as possible for them, I show them extra love and at the end of the night they don't seem to pay much attention to mom's absence. I think long term this will have a two fold effect. One that is immediately apparent is my relationship with the kids is better then ever and overall myself and the kids are happier. The second that may or may not come down the road is this will help WAW see what she has truly walked away from and what she is missing out on. I was trying to shield my kids from all of this and I'm not sure that was the best move, I feel it was fake. They obviously don't need to know the details of what is going on, they need to figure some of that out on their own. But they don't need to be shielded from reality. The reality of the situation is that the kids family for now has broken up. Their mom is not around like she should be but it is not my job to make W realize that or ensure it happens. The loving mother they once knew who was always there for them doesn't exist right now. That is a really hard truth to accept and is incredibly sad but at the end of the day it is reality.
Kids should have two loving parents in their lives to guide them through life, especially early on. The sitch is not ideal but I have become comfortable with the fact that I will single handedly be the one to pick up the slack from W's absence and do the best I can on my own. I know what I am capable of and I know that my kids will also come out of this mess with a lot of life lessons and be stronger individuals because of the loving father that is currently doing everything he can to be there for them.
I can tell you that you and I probably have the same mindset wrt parenting post-BD. My W has backed way off to the point that on several occasions the kids have cried to her about her lack of presence and participation. When they ask me why mom doesn't spend time with them I just tell them that they will need to ask their Mom. It often feels like I am acting as the Mom and Dad, and my IC has talked to me about this needing to be the case now and Post-D. Which is fine because it will teach me to be a better parent and my bond with the kids will only get stronger.
So you were wondering why I spoke up. Well 2 reasons...... 1) We had a parenting plan that we worked on with our IC (same person seen individually) that included telling them before Halloween then using the holiday as a distraction. It included having grandparents over and trick-or-treating as a family to show the kids support and stability. They need to know everything was going to be OK. Well if you read the post about when we told the kids you can see that a lot of the plan has been crumbling. I know my FiL invited my parents over and for whatever reason my W has decided right now she absolutely abhors my parents. They have had no contact with my W except to let her know that they love her, support her, and if she needs anything let them know. Basically the same message her parents told me post-BD. Anyway W and FiL had words about him inviting them over and W threatened to dive bomb Halloween if my parents showed. It may have been why FiL no showed. So we had a plan and I wanted to stick to it for the kids benefit. 2) I can't make her love me and I can't make her like me, but she will have to tolerate me for the kids benefit. She can't sit there and say she wants to co-parent and put the kids interest first and then bail out for selfish reasons. I can already see the start of problems on the horizon for some holidays and shared events. I want to do whats best for them and I am prepared to pick up the slack, but I felt this and future shared events may need some tough love.
Maybe my mindset is wrong, like you I too would like the advice and opinion from others.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/01/1809:06 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
2) I can't make her love me and I can't make her like me, but she will have to tolerate me for the kids benefit. She can't sit there and say she wants to co-parent and put the kids interest first and then bail out for selfish reasons. I can already see the start of problems on the horizon for some holidays and shared events. I want to do whats best for them and I am prepared to pick up the slack, but I felt this and future shared events may need some tough love.
TF, I am in a very similar sitch and foresee problems on the horizon for future holidays and shared family events. I have come to the realization though that her relationship with the kids is exactly the same as her relationship with me and letting go of that I think is key for you. You need to employ the DB rules here as well. You and I and everyone on here knows whats best for the kids. We can't make our spouse love our kids or want a strong relationship with them anymore then we can make them love or want to be with us.
Thanks for the advice. It's hard to hear the truth sometimes, especially when it relates to the kids. Right now W just wants to be an absent parent and I just have to accept this.
Here is another question. My intel has it that W is going out about the town both Friday night and Saturday night. No idea for sure if its Gal Pals or on dates. While it bothers me it doesn't really matter anymore. Friday the kids are with my inlaws for the night. I don't have any GAL plans other than staying home and picking up my old woodworking hobby. However Saturday I have been invited to an event. I haven't told W yet. She doesn't know I know her plans. I am expecting her to get mad because I won't be her babysitter on Sat and my family is too busy to watch them not sure if her family wants to watch them again either. This may seem trivial but any advice on how handle this? I am expecting her to blow up and honestly I am just getting tired of it.
Btw W won't be moving to her house until next weekend now.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/02/1802:05 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
They have had no contact with my W except to let her know that they love her, support her, and if she needs anything let them know.
Is this how they really feel or is it BS? If they don't support this decision then why pretend? This is what is considered fuching CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!!! You lose the love and support from your in-laws.
Before I even knew what validation was I had told my EX in the past "you shouldn't feel that way" about certain things. This was one of her reasons to D. Now my mother hasn't spoken to my EX in two years and ironically my EX says to me "she should feel that way about her".
As for the event, if it is not a big deal for you I wouldn't go. You want her getting out of dodge next week with as little fireworks as possible. That is when the true detaching starts kicking in.
Even though your D is not final yet I would highly recommend you get a parenting plan in place ASAP. My X moved out 3 weeks after BD and we have split time with the kids 50/50 from that time on. Additionally we did not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas together as a family, including our birthdays. The only time we have come together is for the kids birthdays. Why would you want to spend any time with someone who wants to D you??????
MiL shows up and W says to me, "you and MiL go ahead and take the kids I am going to stay home." Mentally I am thinking oh no I am not dealing with this B.S. you are handing out so I told wife "Are you kidding me? We are going as a family, this isn't about us, we are doing this for the kids."
TF, you're not a family anymore. Maybe you will be again some day but that ceased at BD. Quit pressuring her with stuff like this. Making her go is not going to benefit the kids because there's so much negative energy between the two of you right now. Next time just ask her if she's sure that's what she wants and then take the kids yourself.
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D8 wants to have me over as well to have Thanksgiving as a family. I say its your moms scheduled holiday I am not sure she wants to have me over. D8 gets upset so W says yeah we can do Thanksgiving together, but gives me a look.
Frankly that sounds very pouty on your part. It also sounds like manipulation- "I'm going to pout until I get my way". I'm sure it's not what you intended but that's how it sounds, and if it sounds that way to me it does to your W I'm sure.
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She says I shouldn't say that W doesn't want me over. I tell her its the truth I am not going to lie to the kids.
You never needed to say it in the first place. Like R2C suggested, you should have presented it to your D as a group decision rather than making it sound like your W is the bad guy in all of this. It's one thing to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It's another thing completely when you try to FORCE them to suffer the consequences. You're just setting yourself up to be a target.
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W says if I keep giving them the harsh truth they are going to turn against me because it puts W in a bad light and they won't turn on their Mom, just me. So there is some truth to what she says, but wow there is also a lot of fantasy.
She's right, the kids will sense that you are trying to make W out to be the bad guy. The thing LBS's seem to lose touch of is that to your kids you are mom and dad, not husband and wife. When you try to pin the blame for all of this on W, all the kids see is you trying to hurt their mom.
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Selfish, playing the victim and not owning up to her actions, and lying to the kids to cover.
Maybe. Or maybe just trying to insulate the kids from the pain of all of this.
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If down the road they turn on their mom it should be because the R between them and W broke down. It should NOT be because of something I started. That is wrong, I know it, and I need to be aware of it.
Do you actually WANT the kids to turn against their mom? If so, why? Do you want her to hurt and suffer? Because that has more to do with you than her. Despite my BD, S and D, I never lost sight of the fact that my ex is an amazing mom to the kids. Sure I could say "well she broke up the marriage so she's a shitty mother" but the reasons WAS's walk is enormously complex and not easily understood. It doesn't mean she's suddenly evil, or a bad mom, or a bad person. She just went through something and didn't want to be married anymore. Why make things harder on the kids? It's hard enough for them even with the loving support of both parents. Even in D they want you two to be a team when it comes to them. Work towards that goal.
