I’m new to this site but I suspect that my H is in a full blown midlife crisis.
Here’s a brief overview of what I’m dealing with:
Last year he seemed to change out of no where. He told me he was not attracted to me, told me he was not happy, told me he was not in love with me. Then I found out he was having an affair with a young co-worked. He was 41 and she was 26. Of course he denied the fair in the beginning but he eventually came clean. She just made him feel alive again...blah blah blah.
I told him he couldn’t be with her and met at the same time so he needed to leave. He said ok and started looking for apartments. Then one day he decided he made a mistake and wanted to stay, he cut things off with her. She started doing crazy stuff and even faked like she was pregnant by him. She turned out to have not been the special gift that he though my she was. Of course there is a lot more but I’m trying to make this as short as I possibly can.
So we decide to work on our marriage post affair. We buy a house and I get to work on all the things he claims let go the affair. Prior to the affair, we weren’t being intimate. I can admit that I was the cause of that. I can admit that I wasn’t available to my husband sexually. But I don’t take blame for him having an affair because he could have made a different choice. So...we buy a house and move past the affair. I dealt with the pain of the affair and the visions of someone sleeping with my husband. But I went into full save my marriage mode. Which means I pulled myself together and tried to forget the affair.
Meanwhile he was being very transparent in an effort to rebuild the trust. He seemed to feel regretful for his infidelity. Things seemed to be getting so much better. We seemed so happy. I even checked in with him periodically to see if we were on the right track. I wanted to keep the communication strong. I wanted him to tell me if he was feeling unhappy or if there were things we needed to work on. He would always say, he was happy with the way things were going. Our sex life improved and all seemed well.
Then a couple of months ago he had to go out of town for work. A 2 week work trip turned into a 6 week work trip. While away his work trip seemed more like a paid vacation rather than work. He was site seeing, going to the beach, hanging out with co-workers, oh he was having a blast. Meanwhile, I was back at home with all the responsibilities. I told him how much I missed him and he said he missed me to. But I slowly got the feeling something wasn’t right. It made me sad, very sad.
When he got home from that trip, I could tell he was distant. So I told him such. At first he tried to play it off. I thought maybe it was because he was tired because he had been working a lot. But something in my gut said there was more to it. So I pressed. And he hit me with the yes he was distant. While he was away in Hawaii he was happy. I told him that it seemed like he didn’t want to come home. He told me that he almost didn’t want to come home. I said I guess not since your only responsibility there was to get up and go to work. Then the rest of the day you were free to have a blast.
He went on to say he wasn’t sure what was going on with him. That maybe he was just tired. Then a few weeks later he hit me with the, I’m not happy. I feel like I’m missing something. He said Hawaii gave him time to think about that. We spent our 11th wedding anniversary partially talking about his unhappiness. I cried, he cried. I’ve only seen my husband cry 1 time and that was at his father’s funeral. He said he was confused and lost and that he wanted me to be patient with him. He didn’t mention a divorce he just said he needed time to figure things out. I said ok.
Then a couple of weeks later he stays home from work and we go out to lunch. While at lunch a song comes on the radio. He chuckles. I ask what’s so funny, he gives me some BS explanation. When we got home, his “work” phone lights up on the table. The work phone is how he communicated with his former mistress, so it’s definitely a sore spot. I look at the message and it’s from some female. I confront him and he says she’s a friend. Well turns out he met this chick at a bar in Hawaii. She’s going through a divorce and he told her that he was married but unhappy. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. Keep in mind he didn’t tell me he was unhappy until he got back from Hawaii. So that means he told her before he told me. Apparently when he met her he told her if he decides to make a move, he may come see her.
So that day that she text him and I saw it, he initiated that. He text her to tell her that he was out to eat and the song that was playing in he bar when he met her came on the radio. He said that made him think of her so he text her. I’m pissed as you may imagine and I tell him I’m done. He goes into the whole I’m sorry I was wrong I shouldn’t have done that but you know I’m unhappy.
So here’s where we are now...he’s unhappy...he feels like he’s missing something...he’s lost...he’s confused...he needs to go find happiness. He’s not sure what that will be. He’s not sure what that will look like but he just knows he can’t stay with me. He just told me a few days ago that he loves me but he has fallen out of love with me. That broke me down. I’ve tried to ration with him and make him realize what he’s about to throw away. When I tell you we had an amazing marriage and that he has been an awesome husband, I’m being honest. It truly feels like out of the blue last year, he changed. I don’t know the person he is now.
Now here is the kicker...he’s told me all the above but still wants to have sad with me. Still tells me he loves me everyday. Says he misses me (we are sleeping in separate rooms) and still wants to touch all over me. I have cut his tail clean off. He’s getting nothing from me. And now he’s relentless in pursuing me. He can’t understand why we can’t still have sex. Just last night he said, you’re still my wife and I love you, why can’t we have sex. I rejected him and told him to to his room. He begged and pleaded like a little kid. WTF? Like how is it possible to not be in love with someone and be ready to move on with your life but act this way. It’s so freaking weird. But I’m staying strong, I’m not giving into temptation. But I will admit it’s so confusing. I don’t know what’s wrong with him or who he is anymore. He hasn’t asked me for a divorce but said eventually he’s leaving. He went to go visit my daughter at college yesterday and she asked him was he sure he wanted a divorce and he told her yes. He’s never communicated that to me. Just last night while he was begging, he said I haven’t asked you for a divorce yet. Like Hugh? This is so weird. Has anyone here ever been through this? My husband is constantly giving me mixed signals and it’s nuts.
Sorry for the lengthy post.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry you are here. You've come to the right place for help, understanding, or just to vent. Most of us here have heard the "I love you but not in love with you line". I heard it prior to finding out about Hs first 2 year affair. The sitch is confusing to you because your H is confused and conflicted. Not sure they want to give up the good things in the marriage, but wanting "more excitement" or whatever.
Could you share a bit about yourselves. Ages, kids, and their ages? It looks like you've been married 11 years?
Take all the advice in Job's post, especially GAL. It helps a lot. If I was in your sitch, I would not want to have sex with H knowing he is open to a relationship with someone else. That's way to much cake-eating for my taste.
Thank you, I will get started on the homework. Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I need all the help and support I can get. I feel like I’m living in the Twilight Zone.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry you are here. You've come to the right place for help, understanding, or just to vent. Most of us here have heard the "I love you but not in love with you line". I heard it prior to finding out about Hs first 2 year affair. The sitch is confusing to you because your H is confused and conflicted. Not sure they want to give up the good things in the marriage, but wanting "more excitement" or whatever.
Could you share a bit about yourselves. Ages, kids, and their ages? It looks like you've been married 11 years?
Take all the advice in Job's post, especially GAL. It helps a lot. If I was in your sitch, I would not want to have sex with H knowing he is open to a relationship with someone else. That's way to much cake-eating for my taste.
Grace21 thank you for the warm welcome. This has been such a nightmare. I can’t beleive it has come to this.
We have been married 11 years, together 12. We don’t have any biological kids together. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship and he has 2 from a previous relationship. My kids ages are 21, 18, and 15. So thankfully they aren’t little dealing with all this. His kids are 21 and 17, they don’t live with us. They live in another’s state.
For 9 and half years of our marriage, we have been the best of friends. He’s been there to support me and I’ve been there to support him. He’s been an amazing husband up until last year. We truly had a beautiful marriage and I’m not exaggerating. But something changed, he changed and I don’t understand it.
Now he’s unhappy and feels like he’s missing out on something life has to offer and this marriage his holding him back from that. I don’t know what happened but like I said, he was never like this before. My kids have noticed a change in him and so have my sisters. It’s like invasion of the body snatchers came and took my husband and left this new confused dude.
I’m not going to continue to sleep with him. I did at first but the I stopped. I respect myself too much to allow myself to become a booty call for my own husband. So I’ve put him out the bed and he’s sleeping in another room. But each night ends with him begging me for sex, kisses, hugs, cuddles, etc. It’s exhausting. I have to put him out of the bed we once shared nightly.
I have been GAL, I’ve gone out alone a couple of times and he was definitely curious. He wanted to make sure I was wearing my wedding ring and asked me what would I do if a guy approached me. I asked him what would make him think a guy would approach me. His response was come on now, you’re beautiful. So when I say it’s weird, it’s weird. It’s like he’s having a hard time letting go of someone he claims he’s no longer in love with.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. All of us LBS (left behind spouse) have experienced that bewildering amazement of WTF are you doing spouse, burning down our marriage. The ILYBDLY speech is a pretty common denominator. Your H is very confused, you have seen it, you know what I am talking about. He is acting like a different person, and in more ways than you may imagine, he is.
Thankfully you have found this place. You will meet many kind and compassionate people, with much knowledge and hard earned wisdom. Listen to them, a lot of stuff will be counterintuitive to you. Post as much as you like, ask questions, vent, whatever helps - we are here, we know what you are going through, we care, you are among friends.
There is much to learn, for now read the homework, wonder around and meet the neighbours, read their threads. A big part of the power of this place is realizing you are not alone, many others have travelled a similar path.
Please feel free to fill in more of your story and background (kids, etc...) as you settle in. Don’t worry you have time.
I agree with your view on no sex given his mixed signals and confusion of what and where he is headed. For now, focus on just you and your kids, and just breathe. Get through the days, step by step, it will get better and easier - I promise!
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have a question for you and I want you to think long and hard before you answer it. What happened approximately 18-24 months ago? A promotion, death of a family member/friend/co-worker, lost a job, health issue? Something trigger his entrance into MLC.
MLC is about growing up and facing the demons of his/her past. At some point, when he was child, he was stunted emotionally. That could have been abuse of any kind, authority figures not validating his feelings or recognizing him him for his accomplishments. It could have been that he was compared w/someone else and always told that he wasn't good enough. So, when a crisis hits, they have to go back to that time and revisit it, learn to accept the things that they can't change, i.e., face their demons, and then begin to grow up. Some make it out the other side and are the same, others return, but continue to maintain some of the MLC traits and others....well, they stay in the crisis mode and become angry and bitter "old" teenagers, never happy w/what life has given them.
I suggest that you get yourself check out by a physician. They may say they are using protection or not sleeping around, but they have the mindset of a teenager who thinks nothing will ever happen to them. You do not want to receive the gift that keeps on giving.
So, do you think you are having a sexathon? The reason that I am asking is because depression manifests itself in many ways...some want a lot of sex and others not. Some eat and sleep more and others not.
Breathe! Keep the focus on you and know that this is not about you even though you've been forced on a journey of the confused and unknown mirror image of a husband who is a now a stranger to you.
Also, when you have time, after reading all of the homework, you may want to visit around the forum. You will see that the posters are in different stages of dealing w/their crisis spouse, companion and/or friend. Each crisis person is unique because of their personalities and childhoods.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much! It’s a very challenging time in deed. However, I’m greatful I’ve found this thread. It really helps to know that I’m not alone in dealing with this...even though I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
My H is definitely confused that is obvious. He told me last night that he saw how I looked at him earlier in the day, he said he can tell I still love him. Of course this was while he was trying to get sex. I’m not sure what look he’s talking about. Truth is I do love him, with all my heart. But my love for him isn’t at question here, his love for me is. So thankfully I’ve already read the rules because I didn’t respond with...but I do love you. I just said nothing. He’s also stated he can’t understand how this has become reversed. I asked him what he meant, he said he can’t understand how he ended up chasing after me. I said nothing.
I almost broke last night and went off on him when he said...I want to have sex with you...you are my wife...and you are not fulfilling your wifely duties. Boy I almost blew a gasket. But I laughed and I laughed real hard. He looked confused in the face. I told him he was in no position to tell me about fulfilling wifely duties. I then politely told him to go get in his bed.
So as hard as this is, I’m positive, this is the right approach. That’s why I finally decided to join this forum. I’m also going to therapy and I’ve started working on me. It’s been tough but I’m taking one day at a time. I’ve joined weight watchers and I’m loosing weight. Not for him, for myself. So I can feel better about myself. I’m going to focus on me and my kids. I’m going to fill my free time up with things that make me happy. The holidays are going to be hard but I’m sure I will survive.
Again, thank you all for the warm welcome. I’m so glad to be here.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My husbands father passed away 10 months prior to his affair and what I believe was the beginning of this crisis he’s in. He had a strained relationship with his father growing up. However, they had started to mend things. His father apologized to him for everything and let my husband know he was proud of him. I know the death of his father affected him greatly. I would say now looking back, things changed after that.
He has a horrible relationship with his mother and blames her for allowing his stepfather to be verbally and emotionally abusive to him growing up. It seems he blames his mother for his childhood more than he blames his father. His father was an alcoholic who wasn’t reliable.
Here are the things I have been able to get out of him in the last few weeks when he has opened up:
1. He’s confused
2. He’s unhappy
3. He feels like he put so much pressure on himself to be better than his father, mother, and stepfather. He wanted to be a better father, husband, and provider than they were.
4. He says that he has some demons/skeletons in his closet that he doesn’t want to talk about. I suggested therapy and he told me that I’m the only person in the world that he trust so if he won’t tell me, why would he tell a total stranger. He was in tears when we had this discussion. Come to think of it, he’s cried a lot on the past few weeks.
5.He is not really receptive to therapy but has scheduled an appointment to go.
6. The other day he cried and told me about 2 friends that committed suchcise. One was a HS friend the other was a former fellow soldier (my husband is a retired soldier). He said although he hasn’t thought about hurting himself he can kind of understand why they would do it. That scared me. But he assured me that he wasn’t thinking about harming himself.
7. I again suggested therapy and suggested that he may be suffering from depression. He just says maybe.
8. He’s not sleeping well either
He does seem to be battling with some serious things. It does seem like he’s hurting and he wants to run. Yesterday he mentioned to my daughter that he may take a job in another state. He’s never mentioned that to me. Maybe he told her because he figured she would tell me. I’m not sure.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
