WASs hate to lose control of their LBS, even as they are walking away from them.
^^^this. I need to understand this. Because on the surface all of her actions are just things you would do to get away from your H. But there's just this weird sort of flavor to it that feels manipulative, or confused, or ambivalent, or hostile. I really just don't know if that's all in my head. And the minute I catch myself missing her, I remind myself that this version of her is just atrocious. But THEN I doubt THAT and start thinking, well, she's not THAT atrocious, she is saying polite things as she slowly bleeds me out. It's like she wants me to vanish, but she wants to hurt me first. And again, somehow I can't figure out if that's in my head or if that's her goal or if I'm reading too much into it or if everything everyone else said was right, that she's a manipulative martyr who has such a hollow sense of self that this is the ONLY way she can cope.
It's crazy making.
Steve also said that it continues to happen as I get better at detachment.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Could use some advice on how to make this happen.....go out like an alpha male....
I can not claim to be an Alpha male, but I can claim to be a dominate male.
If I found out my woman was having an affair with another man, I would not be happy about it, but I would not tolerate one part of it. I would happily help her pack her stuff up and send her out the door to be with OM. I would file for D. Anyone asks, I would reply "It ran it's course."
I would make it absolutely clear that she is not welcome back. "I will not share my woman with any man" "I do not want to be with a woman that does not want to be with me"
IF SHE started begging be to take her back, I would be very hesitant and first insist on a "I am ending all contact text,email,letter"....lots more I would do, but that is where I would start.
Responding from the previous thread. On BD1 SHE said she'd quietly pack her things and leave. I told her not to. 2 months later she said she wanted S, I tried to talk her out of it. She said she would move out, I said, no, I'll move out. She went back to OM, I said "No problem, come back to me, we can make this work." Marriage workshop, MC, etc. Discovered DB end of July but by then it was "too late" in a sense. By end of August she was done. Not once did she miss me or say "I want this to work." It was all just "Let's try and see what happens." It was all just delay tactics because OM is the one she wants to be with. I missed my chance to kick her to the curb. I missed my chance to say "It's me or nobody." At this point if I file for D it just comes across as capitulating to what she's already pushing for. I'm about as beta as can be. I don't even know where to start to become alpha again. I literally relinquished all of my power in the name of being nice. And destroyed my own life in the process. There's a lot of rebuilding to do now.
What I can't figure out is why if I'm supposed to be trying to be the one to get rid of HER, why does it bother me when she shows continued, consistent, tangible evidence that she got rid of me long ago?
Getting fed up with this. Need to get back to focusing on what's in my control. Just that I can't seem to switch my brain off.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
What I can't figure out is why if I'm supposed to be trying to be the one to get rid of HER, why does it bother me when she shows continued, consistent, tangible evidence that she got rid of me long ago?
It bothers you because you are still attached. You want what you can't have.
You are pursing a woman that does not want to be with you. This is not attractive to woman.
Detach.
I always think of Clint Eastwood characters. They are Alpha males. How does he behave? Why do the women desire him. Does he chase after women?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
On BD1 SHE said she'd quietly pack her things and leave. I told her not to. 2 months later she said she wanted S, I tried to talk her out of it. She said she would move out, I said, no, I'll move out. She went back to OM, I said "No problem, come back to me, we can make this work." Marriage workshop, MC, etc. Discovered DB end of July but by then it was "too late" in a sense. By end of August she was done. Not once did she miss me or say "I want this to work." It was all just "Let's try and see what happens." It was all just delay tactics because OM is the one she wants to be with. I missed my chance to kick her to the curb. I missed my chance to say "It's me or nobody." At this point if I file for D it just comes across as capitulating to what she's already pushing for. I'm about as beta as can be. I don't even know where to start to become alpha again. I literally relinquished all of my power in the name of being nice. And destroyed my own life in the process. There's a lot of rebuilding to do now.
What I can't figure out is why if I'm supposed to be trying to be the one to get rid of HER, why does it bother me when she shows continued, consistent, tangible evidence that she got rid of me long ago?
Well she did. So you are right, filing for divorce is not going to be a "wakeup call" for her. It's really just you taking care of the work for her, work that she apparently doesn't want to do. As Accuray is fond of saying, the problem for most of us after BD is we feel like we've lost all control of our lives, our destiny, our future, our plans. It's all been laid waste and we are spinning trying to figure out how to get it back under control and put everything "back to normal". It was a real epiphany for me to discover that it only takes one to break up a marriage!! I did not have the control over my own life that I thought I had. I had relinquished too much control to someone else. I had depended on another for more than I realized. That's very beta. It's also very normal in a long-term marriage, so don't beat yourself up. The real question is...
Where do you go from here? First, don't dwell in the past. Learn from it and move on. You come out of this stronger, more independent, better prepared for future relationships. You go in with a leather vest on and come out wearing chainmail and a suit of armor with a giant sword in one hand and a shield in the other. Embrace the new you, this armored, shiny knight. Kick the old you to the curb. Look at the wreckage of your life and don't sob over what could have been, figure out what it can be instead. Here's the good news in all of this- you no longer are in a partnership with 50-50 control over the direction of your life. You can literally make whatever you want of it. You can move to the woods and live in a cabin. You can buy a boat and take people snorkeling on reefs. Or you can stay right where you are and rebuild. NO ONE can stop you, so embrace your new control.
But don't give your W any more control over you. She still has too much, because you let her have too much. She doesn't want it! So take it back.
I feel like we are both in the exact same situation, more or less. Aside from my W not yet coming out and telling me she wants a D, all signs sure point to her wanting it, she just doesn't have the guts to tell me I think.
I envy you because there aren't kids involved......they make this so much tougher to swallow and essentially detach.
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/08/1808:19 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I feel like we are both in the exact same situation, more or less. Aside from my W not yet coming out and telling me she wants a D, all signs sure point to her wanting it, she just doesn't have the guts to tell me I think.
I envy you because there aren't kids involved......they make this so much tougher to swallow and essentially detach.
Maybe I'm wrong saying it the way I did. I totally get where you are coming from and I'm not trying to say you should be less devastated about your sitch because you don't have kids. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I just feel like if my kids weren't involved, I might be able to detach a little easier. At least I like to think I would, but maybe being the beta I am it wouldn't really matter if that were the case.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
As Accuray is fond of saying, the problem for most of us after BD is we feel like we've lost all control of our lives, our destiny, our future, our plans. It's all been laid waste and we are spinning trying to figure out how to get it back under control and put everything "back to normal".
Yep LH19 posted that really cool analogy from Accuray about not drinking the poison water. It's just so, so true. And I worry most about the W sitch when I feel like I'm losing control of OTHER areas. So days like today when I feel like I'm on thin ice no matter where I walk... But yeah. So, to answer pain18 and Amoafwl and all the other people who patiently keep reminding me to focus on what I DO have control over...I'm focusing on getting my act together at work. Aside from that, if I wanted to go skiing in Switzerland for Christmas there's nothing stopping me, and everything costs half as much now.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
You can literally make whatever you want of it. You can move to the woods and live in a cabin. You can buy a boat and take people snorkeling on reefs. Or you can stay right where you are and rebuild. NO ONE can stop you, so embrace your new control.
Ah, now here we reach the crux of the matter. I was never very good at making life decisions. Growing up, I was always told what to do, and the better I did it, the more praise and rewards I got. It's no coincidence that things went south when I finished my doctorate/license. It was the last thing that was expected of me from my family of origin. After that I was on my own. And I languished. Coincides perfectly with when W said she started losing the spark. So we're onto something here.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I totally get where you are coming from and I'm not trying to say you should be less devastated about your sitch because you don't have kids. I'm sorry if it came off that way.
Not at all, man. Every time I complain on here, I think to myself, yikes, there are people who have to get their kids through this. It's almost like I don't really deserve to suffer this much. I have it relatively easy. I feel awful for those of you (pretty much most of you) who have to break up actual families. So yeah, I had that thought way before you did. On the other hand it gives you something to work with, something to focus your energy on. Detach from W by attaching to S/D more strongly. I truly admire those of you who can hold your head high and guide the little ones. Twofeet is a good example.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
D now appears to be just a matter of time, and W seems to be getting meaner and colder by the week.
This is actually fairly normal. I think they do it hoping that we will treat them the same thus justifying their desire to D. So your response should be to take the high road and not let her drag you down to her level. Conduct yourself with dignity and respect at all times.
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I'm fairly certain I won't be getting a second chance.
Absolutely no way to know that. I have a friend whose wife went rogue and told him there was zero chance they would get back together, ever. They sold their home and business and split the proceeds and she moved in with OM. They did not talk at all for 2 years. Then she started reaching out, then they had coffee, then dating, and now they are back together and happier than ever. That all took place several years ago and they are still together. Will you get back together in a week? No. A month? Highly doubtful. A year? Iffy. Ever? I would never go that far.
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Has been half a year since I felt loved in a way that meant something. I know I'm supposed to love myself, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Hugs from friends and family doesn't quite cut it.
I could use any encouragement people might be able to spare.
Very sorry you are going through this but most of us here can 100% relate to what you are saying. It's a terrible feeling to feel unloved. You are loved, even by your W even though she would never admit it. Sure she may not be "in love" with you but she still loves you. This is tearing her apart even though she'll never show it. Just take life a day at a time, it'll get getter day by day, week by week, month by month until you'll be back to your old self again and looking at all of this like some strange nightmare you had.
I can tell you this because... I lived it. That's the benefit of this forum, you're talking to people that are walking or have walked in your shoes.
Ah, now here we reach the crux of the matter. I was never very good at making life decisions. Growing up, I was always told what to do, and the better I did it, the more praise and rewards I got. It's no coincidence that things went south when I finished my doctorate/license. It was the last thing that was expected of me from my family of origin. After that I was on my own. And I languished. Coincides perfectly with when W said she started losing the spark. So we're onto something here.
Perhaps someone gave you guidance, but don't sell yourself short. Achieving a doctorate is an impressive, amazing achievement that required many, many personal and professional decisions. YOU did that! You probably have a touch of NGS like so many of us do or did, and feel like you're going to disappoint someone or multiple people if you make the "wrong" choice. So start small. Maybe it's changing your hairstyle, or dressing different, or getting a tattoo, or if you always keep your car spotless then let it get dirty. I think that was an example in NMMNG, that a lot of NG's keep their car spotless because they don't want people to think they are slobs. So he advises to let your car get dirty. REAL dirty. And see if people treat you any different. I did exactly that, and no one said a word, I was treated exactly the same. Now I do like to keep my car clean, but the difference is you have to learn to do stuff like that because it's what you want, not because you are concerned about appearances or what others think about you. So make some small life choices and see how it goes, and build up to bigger ones as you gain confidence. And I promise, if you do it, you WILL get much more confident.
