I have been on this forum before and now am back again. I will try not to be long winded in my explanation of the current circumstances I find myself. But guess I need to give as much of a background as possible.
So I was married and my wife left after I discovered her cheating on me. During the early portion of our breakup and divorce I was working on the advice we all get on this board.... improve yourself, eat better, go to the gym, focus on you. Well I was jogging and going to the gym. During one of my jogs, I met a woman (she saw me jogging and text me) we became jogging buddies, and eventually started a relationship. At first we just started dating and it progressed. She told me she loved me, introduced me to her family and friends and we became a couple. We were always together but maintained our separate interests her jogging and I transitioned to cycling. Everything was great for 3 years, we rarely disagreed. In fact I can only think of a few things we truly disagreed upon and that is how I did not stand up to my ex regarding my ex step son for how she treated him and me (which I explained to her it was more important for me to have a relationship with him than to put my ex in her place about it) and then in sports because she felt my step son took her child's spot on the team and since I was a coach I was involved with that decision. However, I was not and told the other coaches I wanted to stay out of the decision on that and they agreed. Finally she was upset that my divorce seemed to take so long. Both those issues where a year ago and things seemed normal. I finished the divorce and she was so happy.
Well then there were two weeks just recently where she seemed off... not herself toward me. Months prior to these two weeks she was very stressed at work as they were severely short staffed and she was doing the work of 3 people, her youngest son was injured and required to see on orthopedic doctor, and her other son got caught using a vape and she was very stressed about it. She was also plagued sick during that time with sinus issues. So one night on a weekend she cancelled plans with me, saying she wasnt feeling well. Feeling something was wrong, I asked her if WE were ok. She said she was and just needed some alone time. I explained by text that the reason I asked was "I understand but I also noticed or feel like you dont like me touching you, you seem hesitant to say I love you, and I cant tell you the last time we were intimate. Well I can but that's why I havent tried since. Dont answer maybe just better to talk in person." To which she responded we text our goodnights and she said I love you and we will talk tomorrow.
The next day I went over and we talked. She started off with she is not happy and she loves me but is not in love with me. She went on to explain how it was not fair to me that I want to live together and get married and she doesn't. I was floored! She also said that it started when my kid took her kids spot on the team and while that was a tough time for us, we got managed through it. Finally, she noted her own current low sex drive and how that was not fair to me. I said about we need to communicate and work these issues out and as we continued to talk, before I started crying and begging I told her I was going to leave. I did text her that night and thanked her for 3 great years and said I loved her and always would. She responded I just deserved someone that felt the same about me and she would always be my friend just not my girlfriend or life partner.
So after that I have had minimal contact with her. I text her about needing some time to pick up my stuff so I did not make a fool of myself. She likes my stuff on strava and I like her stuff. She hasn't changed our relationship status on facebook and other than her kids and parents I do not think she told anyone.
Now its three weeks later... I text saying I will pick up my stuff this weekend and I would like to talk. My intention is not to beg, but her to reconsider her decision and for us to take a big step back to just dating again. I know me telling her how much I love her is not going to change her mind, in fact its just gonna make her lose respect for me. Rather I just want her to look back on all our good times and what we have been through and decide if this is what she really wants or if she wants to make an attempt to work it out. Not to answer me at that time but to consider it over some time and let me know. She has been honest that she has a history of just running away.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Run away. Find someone new. You two aren't married and the break can be clean.
Here is the problem: if this is happening before you are married, what do you think would happen after you were married? In my own experience, and seeing it the same way in lots of other people's marriages, if there are problems before marriage they will only be amplified in marriage.
I guess my question is "why are you so dependent on this woman?" It seems to me like you have forgotten a lot of the things you learned through your first D.
Look up self-differentiation in marriage (and relationships). You sound codependent.
Get back to GAL.
Take care of you. Leave her alone to figure out her own crap.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, Maybe I have forgotten what I learned from my first divorce. However, I remember that I am responsible for my own happiness. I remembered that outside our relationship and did stuff on my own. Yet just because we are not married, I do not see why one would walk away just because things got hard. My own marriage (which the story is on this forum somewhere) was a hot mess from day one, actually before day one. Honestly, hindsight being 20/20, I know now I should never have gone through with it. Yet I do not know that gives cause to just drop any subsequent relationship when it gets hard, just because we are not married? Am I wrong here? If, like my marriage, there were alot of signs such as her sleeping on the couch for years or belittling me constantly.... but there was none of that we got along great until the bomb dropped.
Sorry you're in this situation twice -- three years is a significant relationship:
Originally Posted by twice
she is not happy and she loves me but is not in love with me.
then...
Originally Posted by twice
I would like to talk. My intention is not to beg, but her to reconsider her decision and for us to take a big step back to just dating again. I know me telling her how much I love her is not going to change her mind, in fact its just gonna make her lose respect for me. Rather I just want her to look back on all our good times and what we have been through and decide if this is what she really wants or if she wants to make an attempt to work it out. Not to answer me at that time but to consider it over some time and let me know.
So to summarize, she wants to be left alone, and you want to talk her back into the relationship.
Don't do it.
You don't have to invite her to look back on all your good times, she can do that any time she wants to, and she's choosing not to.
You don't have to ask her to decide if this is what she really wants, because she has *already* decided and taken action. She's had three weeks to think about it and hasn't changed course.
You don't have to invite her to consider her options over time and let you know, because she can do that already, any time she wants to.
You also don't have to ask her permission to go back to dating her, you could just invite her out on a date if you want to. If she says "no" then don't ask again. If she says "yes" then go with no expectations other than having a good time with someone you just met.
I would skip the talk entirely, all that will do is make your situation worse. If you want to invite her out on a date, invite her, but do it with no expectations and don't do any relationship talk whatsoever.
I also have to say that her complaint about you replacing her son on the sports team with your ex-stepson seems like an irrational complaint. Either that was an excuse to pick a fight with you because she was otherwise unhappy, or she's not very rational.
Reading your story and taking everything together it sounds like she's done, and if you love her you'll respect what she wants and let her go.
By pursuing her you're proposing that your wishes are more important than hers, and she's going to resent you for that.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Steve85, Maybe I have forgotten what I learned from my first divorce. However, I remember that I am responsible for my own happiness. I remembered that outside our relationship and did stuff on my own. Yet just because we are not married, I do not see why one would walk away just because things got hard. My own marriage (which the story is on this forum somewhere) was a hot mess from day one, actually before day one. Honestly, hindsight being 20/20, I know now I should never have gone through with it. Yet I do not know that gives cause to just drop any subsequent relationship when it gets hard, just because we are not married? Am I wrong here? If, like my marriage, there were alot of signs such as her sleeping on the couch for years or belittling me constantly.... but there was none of that we got along great until the bomb dropped.
twice, I think your emotions, and maybe even your dependence on this relationship are clouding your judgment a bit:
"Yet just because we are not married, I do not see why one would walk away just because things got hard."
"My own marriage (which the story is on this forum somewhere) was a hot mess from day one, actually before day one."
Just take those two statements and contrast them. Why would you want to get back into a "hot mess" of a marriage? This is a huge pre-marital red flag. I think you are being given a gift here. Because pre-married BD is so much better than post-married BD.
Maybe telling you to run was extreme. Obviously you aren't emotionally stable enough to move forward yet. But I think you need to consider that if this isn't headed toward marriage, would you be happy being in a platonic relationship with this woman moving forward? Even if she agrees to "date", what if you are already friend-zoned (I am seeing lots of signs from your OP that tells me you very well may be)?
twice, I guess what I would suggest is that you take a step back and look at your sitch objectively. If you were a friend, what advice would you give to that friend?
And yes, maybe you should try to salvage things. But how much time are you willing to give it before you move on?
One last thing. If I had told you 3 1/2 years ago you'd be happy with someone else other than your W, what would you have said? Here you are 3 1/2 years later acting as if this relationship is the be all end all, when there very well may be someone out there better. Just a thought.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/13/1807:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
