Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Ready2Change]

My solution was email. I was tired of the lies and the manipulation. I set that boundary way early in my sitch. I do not regret it one bit.

Ok so I am a bit confused here and I need help. So don't talk unless its about kids or finances, ok got it.

I believe you have not made the required changes where in person or phone conversations will help your sitch. The only time you should talk, at the stage you are at, is emergencies with the children.

W calls. You let it go to voice mail. Listen to it. If kids are hurt etc, call her back immediately. If not, you are a busy man and will address the issue when you decide to.


If W says we need to talk , then you text her:

"W, I saw you called. I can't talk right now. If it is important, send me a text (or email) with the details and I will review it when I get a chance"

Well she hasn't paid her portion of the kids tuition in 3 months and she wants to talk about it.

If you cover it, keep all the records. You can get legal involved if later needed.

how long do I just ignore the problem. It's not like it's going to go away.

Don't ignore it. Address it without directly talking to her about it. Email is the place I start. If you cant agree, then a mediator. If that doesn't work, then the courts.

[burned]

TF,

You are suffering, and it shows. This could be the hardest part, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. You’re hitting the anger phase and it will test you. Can you be strong but also gentle? Especially with yourself? Do you have ways to cope with the frustration that you’re clearly feeling? And especially the frustration that comes from the fear that you’re doing something wrong and losing your sense of control, and feeling like you’re losing your W?

One thing for certain is that you will protect your children with your life. Bet you 5 bucks your W knows that and knows exactly how to get under your skin.

NC helped me see those kinds of patterns better, but it took time, and in the moment it’s still hard not to react as if everything is normal and it’s a normal conversation about normal life. The rules have changed, now there’s a thin layer of manipulative WW diarrhea layered on top of everything. It’s all fraught. You have to put in extra effort to see through it. Give yourself extra time. “Act as if” she has some ulterior motive. What is it? And how can you dodge it?

Maybe it feels like an emergency to you that your kids might not get to stay at that school. Is it an emergency? Do you have some money saved to pay W’s portion of tuition if she drops the ball? Or does the school know that you’re going through some tough times and maybe they can make an arrangement? Or do they have a specific policy about tuition and how to handle non-payment?

Just spitballing. Build up a few different contingency plans, at least in your mind, so that you could honestly entertain the idea that if you told W to go F herself, your kids would be fine. You don’t have to act on any of it. But frustration comes from feeling like you’re stuck with no options except the one that’s being forced on you. So create other options.

We never nuked Russia because we knew they’d nuke us back and all life on earth would end. Mutual assured destruction. So if we never intended to nuke Russia, why did we have thousands of missiles hiding in silos under cornfields across the Midwest?

Options. And then nobody got hurt.

Or maybe the shorter version of this post would be to just add to what R2C said. The purpose of saying “Email me and I’ll get back to you” is so that you get an extra 24 hours to lose it a bit, spin, break a few dishes, cry a bit, sleep, and wake up the next morning clear headed, thinking, Oh, I see what she did there, here’s how I’m going to handle it. Rather than reacting to her in the moment. Because otherwise she’ll play you.

[ovrrnbw]

I'm chiming in with the hard advice. I remember how it felt for me to hear that I need to let her go. To detach. You're hoping theirs a great magic way to get her back. And there is, kind of. Let her go.

You should be in Last Resort Mode. Stop all pursuit. Get a life. Wait and see. 3 steps, that's it. Quit talking to her.

[LH19]

TF,

I just wanted to say I think you're doing great and let you know I don't agree with A18 either.

Don't be so hard on yourself, she has been your best friend since high school it is understandable you are struggling.

I definitely think you should learn to start interacting with women at a friendly level.

Again the only knock I have is there is way to much communication. Most of it is her fault and I truly believe she would love to still be friends.

I was talking to a woman friend of mine who wants a divorce and told me she would love to be friends with her husband she just doesn't want to be married to him anymore.

[EZdozit]

TF,

Give yourself some grace...you are human. I have implemented talking with various females of late and it has vastly helped with my approach and engagement with W...which is essentially minimal. We had S’s school Xmas recital the other day...I brought my mom and arrived early to get front row seats. W and FIL arrived late...we didn’t save them a seat. After show, we had minimal interactions and my mom was disgusted with how fake they were.

Keep up boundaries and don’t tolerate anymore BS your w slings at you. Mine continues to try and change up the rules as things continue to not go her way and her fantasyland is crumbling. I’ve held firm...and living the best life I can, and it has been apparent on many fronts. My S wants to be with me....friends I “divorced “ and left for my wife have started to reach back out...heck even some of her relatives are coming around and seeing the happy carefree guy I’ve worked to become and asking hard questions as to the validity on some of the garbage W told them as to why she wants to D. Her gaslighting and narcissistic behavior is now biting her in the A$$.

Stay true to your convictions and keep DBing..

[AnotherStander]

Ok so I am a bit confused here and I need help. So don't talk unless its about kids or finances, ok got it. She wants to talk kids tuition. Some say no don't talk she is manipulating you. Some say talk just don't let it effect your PMA. Well she hasn't paid her portion of the kids tuition in 3 months and she wants to talk about it.

I already chimed in on this but I will again- talk to her. If you've read my posts in other threads you'll notice I say frequently that when it comes to kids you can't go dark. You can go dim, but there's got to be some level of communication regarding the kids. You can't shut that down because it will just create a lot of anger and resentment, and it'll look like you're not pulling your weight or showing interest in the kids which to a WAS will just look like "more of the same" behavior. Now when I say "talk" to her I don't necessarily mean face-to-face. R2C's W was very confrontational so his approach of sending emails/texts so that everything was documented was a valid one. It's also a way of communicating without letting your emotions get in the way.

So at that point in time I'm worried she isn't going to pay and try to rip the kids out of school mid year, because clearly her actions show she has the kids best interests at heart. So before we had the convo, how long do I just ignore the problem.

Definitely do not ignore problems, address them. Be cool, calm and collected. Handle problems like a business transaction. I deal with 1001 problems a day at work. When I was married I would get very emotional with W about problems, venting and such (not at her, but around her). After BD I was all business when it came to problem resolution. Just like I am at the office. That's the way to treat it.

Should I literally just stop all contact with her?

You can't co-parent without some level of communication.

[job]

Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!

[Again18]

Dang, TF I had such a good response but I hit a button and lost it all. So here I go again. What I mean by quick response is picking up the phone the moment your W calls. Let it go to voicemail like most people here are suggesting. As for the crossing the line comment you misunderstand my friend. I've said this before your W is thinking about you, the kids the family. I bet she even contemplates at times not wanting this divorce any more than you. But when you pursue and you have pursued, she justifies in her head why she needs to follow through with her actions. I mean you no disrespect you have done a great job but when you see the cracks you jump, and I know how easy it is to do that. I have been here before, and only after I quit jumping and pulled way back and detached did my wife start considering reconciliation. After we got back together it was clear that my W had never quit thinking about our R. There were also powerful forces trying to keep us apart. I didn't get along with my in-laws nearly as well as you seem to get along with yours. My W also lacked for nothing and when she moved out she got a great deal on rent from her parents. Her Mom didn't like me much and the rest of the family could take me or leave me. She really had no reason to take me back, but she did. TF I still have a lot of faith that your W and you will reconcile and your family will be whole again and, in the end, will be much better because of this. I have no resentment for my W because of what happened to us in 2003, I feel we had to go through it because if we hadn't and we remained married and in the state that we were in our lives would be drastically different and not for the better.

[Twofeet]

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