No response on email yet but have just been sent texts with pics of sneakers I might like. FFS !!!
He is thinking of you and he cares. He has probably read the email. If he is passive-aggressive as you describe him, then he is likely conflict-averse, as well. The texts could be an attempt to reduce the feeling of conflict created by the email. Think of it as titrating his level of discomfort, something like that.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Quick recap of sitch or what I like to call "Welcome to Limbo Land"
BD Oct 17 - "I am not happy", "not sure how to be happy" "not sure we can ever change" - no real indication of what is making him unhappy. I go into survival mode, switching between "we can fix this" to "you [censored], how dare you do this to me", "I don't need your [censored], why don't you just leave" back to "I love you, we can fix this". MO Mar 18 - six months of toxic hell. He can't look at me with anything but contempt. I catch moments of sadness in his eyes. I am a shattered mess. I know with 100% certainty there was no OW. Mar - Jun 18 - Limbo. He can't look at me without sadness, guilt or contempt. He makes up for it by wanting to spend with kids. I find this difficult to take but try and keep my head up. I take it one day at a time. Slowly healing. Jul 18 - Sept 18 - starts to treat me like a person and not an alien to be avoided. Still no indication that he wants to come home. Oct 18 - Find out he is dating. Throw a massively undignified hissy fit. Might as well have stuck a sticker on my head saying Plan B. I double down on Db'g.
Now - he moves between being strangely kind (cleans my car, offers to give me lifts, offers to fix things around the house) and weird passive aggressive comments (mostly when he is suspicious of what I have been up to). I see him more often than a did before he left - though this is always to do with the children. It is never to see just me. I am not sure what the deal is with OW (I don't even think I can call her that - she was/is a distraction from his loneliness) as if he is still seeing her, it is very rare and definitely always at his beck and call.
So, a year on, and I have finally set a boundary. I sent an email earlier telling him he needs to have the girls more overnight because the current arrangement is not working for me. No response as yet. But three pics of sneakers via text and a question re which ones I'd prefer. Also, a missed call this evening (I was out having a rink with friends) which I responded to with a "Missed your call. Was it important?". He replied it was about D9's glasses, and he has just gone away and ordered them anyway, with a price. I assume he wants me to pay half. Surely that sort of thing can be dealt with via text !!!.
Where am I now. I still love him and want to R though not in the desperate way I once did. There is no talk of a D or even formalizing our S. He is still seems as confused as when he left but now seems full of guilt and not sure how to get off his current path (or even if he wants to). I am better. I have realized my worth and am getting on with my life but I am still attached to him - but am doing a good job of pretending not to be. I have a life of sorts separate to him with new friends and old ones. I am happy most of the time. I have a job I mostly like and feel appreciated and valued in and I am in the best shape of my life. I am not ready for another relationship, nor am I looking for one. But I am enjoying the company of friends (some of whom are men).
B - thanks for the response. He still cares and yes he still thinks about me. It comes to naught though. He has not said or done anything that indicates he wants to R. Picking some trainers for me (or sorting out my tires - which he also did today) does not a reconciliation make.
You are also right re the conflict avoidance. He will not respond. He has dropped the girls off, we talked for about half an hour (mostly about D9's glasses) and now he has gone to take our dog for a walk. There was an uncomfortable moment when I said I am getting his brokers exGF to watch the children Thursday night and he said "I don't agree with that - can't you sort our nights out for the nights I have the girls". I told him not everyone's life revolves around his schedule.
A couple of months after BD, he went to China for a week for an interview. I only found out because I saw the website on my laptop (I looked at the history). When I confronted him he said he was "exploring options". He was so unhappy and desperate to escape his life, he was willing to explore work options on the other side of the world. He never told me how it went or indeed anything at all about his trip. As he is not working in China, I assume he decided that a contract which meant that he would be away from the children for four weeks at a time was probably not something he wanted to pursue. A quick google search told me that this was all that was on offer. He went there for a week to find out the same thing. Anyway. whilst he was away I wrote him a lengthy email saying how I felt, how much I still loved him, and how I was willing to let him go if that was what he wanted but that the door would still be open. I included some intimate details in there as well - nothing graphic, but it was mentioned in the sense of how I felt. I sent it to his sister (we were still talking then) because I needed someone to tell me if it was too much. She said, well, it tells him how you feel, so I sent it. He has never responded or mentioned it other than to tell me that he was upset that I had showed it to his sister. I bared my soul and all he could say was "don't send stuff like that to my sister". So, if he couldn't respond to that, I doubt he will respond to an email talking about logistical practicalities.
As he is not working in China, I assume he decided that a contract which meant that he would be away from the children for four weeks at a time was probably not something he wanted to pursue.
This could be true, but it could have nothing to do with the kids. He might need to convince himself that he still *could* do something so wild (ie out of character). That things aren't off the table in his life. It might be less about what Should he do and more about considering what Could he do. Maybe just a daydream and he needed the interview to feed his soul.
Originally Posted by "FlySolo"
He has never responded or mentioned it other than to tell me that he was upset that I had showed it to his sister. I bared my soul and all he could say was "don't send stuff like that to my sister". So, if he couldn't respond to that, I doubt he will respond to an email talking about logistical practicalities.
I get that he wouldn't want his personal life shared with his sis.That's a touchy subject for anyone at any point in a R. Not only was he feeling judged by you (pursuit) but also now by his own family. The logistical email may prove difficult, but ultimately he may respond because it's a different kind of pressure. It doesn't make him look bad, just makes him need to make some choices.
Thanks Yail - his sister and I were very close. Over the years, she became my go to when I needed to moan about her brother. But the longer this has gone, the more uncomfortable it has been for her. She does not like what he is doing, but he is still her brother. So, mixture of embarrassment and loyalty has meant that our comms are now limited to pleasantries and pictures of our kids. I miss her, but I understand.
At the time he went to China he was looking for am out that allowed him to save face, i.e. escape without actually escaping. He would work there for four weeks and then come home for two weeks and no-one would be the wiser. He could have his freedom and his family. There were other options he explored, he could MO (into the flat behind our house) and not tell anyone (strangely, this one was his sisters idea - which I said No to). Like DjV's H, the need to escape was overwhelming but he wasn't yet willing to cut the rope.
I do shake my head in astonishment when I see these things drag out for over a year... while I will be divorced less than four months from BD. FS, you said that you envy my sitch, but I envy your sitch. At least, I would have felt like I had a fighting chance. I've mostly seen a cold and distant STBXW. (She's nice at times but only when it suits her.)
the need to escape was overwhelming but he wasn't yet willing to cut the rope.
I think this is where my H is at. He even mused yesterday that an option may be to go on as we are indefinitely. Uh, no. Not happening. Makes me wonder if he is hoping I'll put an end to things (i.e. file), so he can avoid the difficult stuff like he did with telling the kids. Take the easy way out and void conflict. Coward. He doesn't realize he's dealing with an emerging new ME, and I won't put up with it!
Harvey - you keep talking like your M is over. D is only a piece of paper. Hope is gone when you let go. Month four in my sitch and month four in your sitch are no different except H was still living at home, and you are getting a D. Their actual feelings and behavior to us was actually the same. H was cold and distant (he was rarely nice). Sure he lived in the house, but if it was acceptable for a grown man to growl threateningly at me, he would have done so. Why didn't he go for a D - I don't know. The cynical side of me says it is because we have to be separated two years for a no fault divorce. The side that still holds on to hope hopes it is because he genuinely did not, and does not, know what he wants.
Grace - I am glad to hear you are not letting your H get away with that ...
Journaling
Today has been tough. I find myself being a little more open to the idea of moving on, and it scares me. It scares me because I know it would be easy and I know I would be doing it because I am lonely. I moved jobs in Jan and there is a guy I have caught looking at me from time to time. Not in an obvious leachy way, but kind of shy, so that when I catch him, he looks away. I've never given it much mind. Female working in predominantly male offices, I have caught people looking at me before. Anyway, he has been coming to talk to me randomly a lot the last few weeks (it was the chap who sits next to me who first noticed) and today, after he came over to discuss some mundane detail that could have been resolved over email, I actually considered the possibility, not of a relationship per se, but something a little more drunken (not sure how else to describe it). Today, I considered the what if ... what if I just turned it up a little, held his eye for a little longer, smiled a little brighter. And then I realized I have been doing this subconsciously.
I know that I still love him but I am definitely lonely and my body language is no longer that of a woman devoted to her M. I guess this is the confusion he must have felt before he ventured into the world of dating. For the record ... I am not venturing into that world yet. I was just observing my own behavior today and noting the possibility that I am starting to move on.
FS, I think you are in a great but critical spot. Your body language has changed, you are letting go more and more, you are catching the eye of the men in the office and doing some innocent flirting. Ultimately that is the main goal of all of this is it not? It may not matter to you at this point but if other men are noticing I would be willing to bet H is as well. If H isn't taking notice then recognize that others are because you are a desirable women and will have an amazing relationship and all the love you deserve one day.
