DB on 8/10/18. She moved to another state on 7/15 with D12 and D8 while I stayed behind to take care of the house we were trying to sell. W called me on 8/10 and told me that the time away reinforced her feeling that she doesn't love me anymore.
For two weeks I begged and pleaded, before finding this site. Since then, I've mostly adhered to the principles (except for a reconciliation letter). Detaching was the hardest principle for me to maintain, and I still struggle with it. The D settlement was fair and fast. W filed for D on 11/3. We have a hearing on 12/3 to finalize the D. One week short of four months has to be close to a record for shortest time between DB and D.
For about the last month I was in a groove with 180, GAL, detaching. The last two weeks set me back. I had a great time with our daughters, and it made me sad that I'll only get to see them half of the time. This last weekend we told the girls and then spent the weekend as a family. That only made me sad for what could have been. I spent the last two days in self-pity, mainly smoking cigars.
Tonight, I got back to keeping myself busy. I went out to dinner with a co-worker, then came home and cleaned the house, washed the dishes, and did the laundry. Tomorrow I'm volunteering at Feed My Starving Children. The weekend will be filled with visits with family and friends.
I'll keep myself busy with volunteering and hanging out with family/friends. I'll continue to diet and exercise. I'll start planning vacations with my girls. Our goal is to visit all 50 states and all 6 habitable continents. I'm also trying to become a better cook. This weekend I'll try a vegetable soup recipe that a co-worker gave me. I'll keep in consistent contact with my girls when I'm not with them.
Questions
1) Leave Facebook, unfriend my STBXW and family, or just unfollow my STBXW and family? 2) Hold onto hope? Quite honestly, the only hope I have left is divine hope. I have no expectations. I'm not sure if I should just close this chapter of my life or leave the door open (be the lighthouse)? Question 1 goes to this also. I could choose to have minimal contact with my STBXW or I could keep in contact (but have no expectations) and hope that one day she'll come out of her fog. It's probably healthier to close this chapter. 3) I know dating isn't in the cards. I'm not ready for that. But when? I guess that's a "who knows" question.
I'm going to repost my Life Goals... just so they are in my face and I'll be more likely to adhere to them.
LIFE GOALS - A BETTER ME
This season of my life has been tough. Use the pain to become a better man, a better father, and a better Christian. Control what I can control to become that better man every day for the rest of my life.
1) FAITH. Strenghten my relationship with God. Draw closer to Him. Continue to read the Bible and other Christian resources. Continue with fellowship at work. Regularly attend church. (Goal: Join a serving Life Group.)
2) KINDNESS. Continue to volunteer a lot. Continue random acts of kindness. Always be humble and kind. (Goal: Be kinder when I'm driving.)
3) FORGIVENESS. Do not be mad at Andrea. She just wants to be happy. I am the one who largely failed her. Forgive her and seek to become her friend.
4) ATTRACTIVENESS. Always dress nice. Always look nice. Get my swagger back. Get back to being an alpha male. Be confident, upbeat, relaxed, and fun.
5) RELATIONSHIPS. I avoided the big mistakes in my marriage (abuse, cheating, work/life balance, being a bad parent, etc.), but I made a lot of little mistakes. Identify and improve on the little things I could have done better. a) Connectedness. Always treat my SO as my best friend. Enjoy and appreciate time spent together. Do little and big surprises. Date nights. b) Communication. Listen to my SO, actually hear what she is saying. Learn her love language. Study her. Learn what makes her tick, what her concerns are. Use resources like The Love Dare, Divorce Remedy, etc. to better myself. c) Attitude. Don't overreact to nagging. Nagging shows she is still invested in the relationship. Maintain positivity. Be patient and forgiving.
6) FATHERHOOD. Continue to be fully invested in my relationship with my daughters. Continue to use resources to better myself as a father.
7) LIFESTYLE. Continue to exercise (walking, pushups, situps, planks, squats) and diet. (Goal: Stay below 165 pounds.) Get eight hours of sleep. Continue to quit chewing. Continue to re-engage with family and friends. Grow my circle of Christian friends.
8) BE MYSELF. Get back to doing things that I like. a) Golfing. b) Outdoors (camping, fishing, hunting). c) Traveling. (Goal: Visit all 50 states.) (Goal: Visit all 6 habitable continents.)
9) GROWTH. Try new things. Become handier around the house. Be more self-reliant. (Goal: Become a better cook.) Go on more mission's trips. Maybe try sky diving.
GOALS
Join a serving Life Group. Be kinder when I'm driving. Stay below 165 pounds. Visit all 50 states. Visit all 6 habitable continents. Become a better cook.
MOTTO God has great plans for me. I will survive. I am lovable. I deserve to be loved.
Sounds like a great plan. I think you should just keep doing what you are doing and not worry if the door is open or not. When/if the time comes, you can decide then. Either way, it’s a win for you.
Continuing from the last thread, I did tell STBXW that I would not come down early. I told her that we are not a family anymore. We are two families with parents who are co-parenting two beautiful girls. I told her that I would not give my daughter's false hope that we would continue to do things together--like when we were a family. That I'm not going to pretend nothing will change.
Your life plan sounds great and I particularly like the volunteering and the bucket list of states/countries. You should start planning some of those holidays now. It will give you focus and something to look forward to.
Originally Posted by harvey
1) Leave Facebook, unfriend my STBXW and family, or just unfollow my STBXW and family?
I would unfollow. It is harder to give into temptation when there are additional steps involved. Unfriending just seems very reactionary.
Originally Posted by harvey
2) Hold onto hope? Quite honestly, the only hope I have left is divine hope. I have no expectations. I'm not sure if I should just close this chapter of my life or leave the door open (be the lighthouse)? Question 1 goes to this also. I could choose to have minimal contact with my STBXW or I could keep in contact (but have no expectations) and hope that one day she'll come out of her fog. It's probably healthier to close this chapter.
Keep the hope in the back of your mind but don't allow your life to be defined by it. Live your life. If she comes back, and if she has done the work (as you are doing), then you can try again. If she doesn't come back, well, you will still have a life worth living.
Originally Posted by harvey
3) I know dating isn't in the cards. I'm not ready for that. But when? I guess that's a "who knows" question.
When you have healed. When you are not doing it because it will get a reaction out of her. When you are again looking to the future. You will know when the time is right. I always thinking meeting someone is a matter of opportunity and inclination. Opportunities will present themselves - only you know when the inclination is there.
Originally Posted by harvey
Continuing from the last thread, I did tell STBXW that I would not come down early. I told her that we are not a family anymore. We are two families with parents who are co-parenting two beautiful girls. I told her that I would not give my daughter's false hope that we would continue to do things together--like when we were a family. That I'm not going to pretend nothing will change.
Good for you. Only comment is you do not need to explain yourself. It sounds like you are forcing consequences down her throat. You do not need to do that. She knows the consequences and force feeding them to her will only make her resent you more. A simple "Appreciate the offer but I can't come down early. I have other plans".
Good for you. Only comment is you do not need to explain yourself. It sounds like you are forcing consequences down her throat. You do not need to do that. She knows the consequences and force feeding them to her will only make her resent you more. A simple "Appreciate the offer but I can't come down early. I have other plans".
I got different advice in the previous thread. I won't deny it felt good to tell her those things, but it probably wasn't the high road. At this moment I would be open to post-D reconciliation (if she were to work on things). At some point I won't feel that way and probably relatively soon. I just don't know how to proceed with that in the back of my mind. Do I go dark? Should I remain a presence in her life, stay classy, be her friend, and continue to be the lighthouse? Well, for me it will be a balance of staying classy, but also relieving myself of some of my NGS. Not really sure how to proceed. Would love advice. Basically, do I go mostly dark (except when it relates to the kids) or do I strive to be her friend?
I am perhaps a little softer than others here, but the nice guy thing to do would have been to drop all your plans and go running to her when she threw you a bone. A clear concise but polite response would have stated clearly that you are not sitting around waiting for her to include you in her plans. You do not have to state the consequence of her actions ... she knows.
Think about it like you were responding to an invite for a drink with someone you don’t particularly like. Would you say “I can’t make it. I am busy that night” or would you say “I can’t make it. I am busy that night and by the way I don’t like you and you would be the last person I have a drink with”. Which one of these responses says “you still have some power over me”.
Harvey, you need to set her free. I ´d go dark and be only for the kids. It´s up to you. Keeping hope but controlling expectations. Then you need to detach and keep working on yourself. Be the best father for the girls and get the PMA.Stay away from social networks, they are anxiety generators. Clear your mind, GAL and take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Good for you. Only comment is you do not need to explain yourself. It sounds like you are forcing consequences down her throat. You do not need to do that. She knows the consequences and force feeding them to her will only make her resent you more. A simple "Appreciate the offer but I can't come down early. I have other plans".
Agree with FS. There´s no need to lecture her. She knows, she knows...release that pressure.
Stay strong man, it´s cloudy today but the sun is there. Take your time. Keep posting.
(((H)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I'm doing very well today. Kind of got back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. I really do believe this was the kick in the pants I needed and my life will be great going forward.
Today I talked to D12, went to dinner with a friend, and worked out. I'm about to do some Bible study and more laundry. I was going to do some volunteer work, but the person I was going to go with had to bail. I'm going to really focus on keeping myself busy. Every day will have exercise and Bible study on the schedule. Tomorrow, my plans are to get ingredients for vegetable soup that I'm making this weekend. I'm going to meet up with my cousin and her husband on Friday or Saturday.
I deleted my FB account today. I've wanted to do it for years. There are benefits to FB, but it's wasted a lot of my time. There were only about 7-8 people that I truly care about that I didn't have in my phone contacts already. I emailed those people to let them know I was getting off FB. They all sent their phone numbers, so I deleted my account.
