Well, we're doing a trial cohabitation for the time being, currently IHS. She is currently saving up to buy a place and I am saving up to finish the basement so I can get a buddy of mine to move in. All of this is up in the air, as she flips from one conversation to the next on whether to stay or move out or how we’re going to handle the equity in the home. None of the divorce paperwork can be filed yet, because I am currently adopting my stepson (14) so that he retains my military benefits (my idea). It'll be at least 50-60 days for that and 90 something days for the divorce. We are not sure if those can happen concurrently - W is supposed to find that portion out, but I'm gonna talk to a family law guy in the JAG office. I am going to talk to a couple lawyers to get some perspective, especially on the finances. She has already started the legal zoom process, but there was a lot of things that weren't discussed in there that will need to be cleared up before we file. I am leaning toward mediation.
For the emotional part of things, she is still going to OM's house to visit (she went last night). She tells me that she wants out of the marriage because she wants to pursue a relationship and be physical with other people, which she tells me she hasn't done yet. I told her last night, when she asked if I was alright with her going, that I was not okay with it and that I would prefer if she didn't tell or ask me in the future. I also gave her my forgiveness for doing what she is doing. She got upset and said she didn't ask for my forgiveness, to which I responded that it wasn't for her. She doesn't see the irony of being with the OM and saying that she isn't a cheater, just because they haven't had sex. She is deadset in this mindset and "doesn't want to hurt me" which is why she is now switching her tune to trying to buy this new place. To be honest, I'm relieved that she is looking at other places. In-house divorce sounds like a living hell for both of us. She still hasn't opened up as to how she feels about my part in the downfall of the marriage (in her defense, I quit asking weeks ago). She says I'm a good guy and deserve to be happy - which I agree with, but we disagree on how to get to mutual happiness (also haven't brought that up in weeks).
My personal growth is coming along well, learning a lot about myself. After reading No More Mr Nice Guy, I can confidently say that I have some nice guy traits about me that certainly caused a lot of grief in the R. I disagree on the why in the book, but the behaviors existed nevertheless. Wish I would have read that book years ago. Identifying my own flaws has been enlightening, though it's taken away from my actual school studies, so I need to balance that out. I'm working on GAL, going to a divorced/divorcing men's support group and a MeetUp event this week. Also trying to rally some friends for a weekend event. My fitness journey is going great. Probably the best shape I've been in for years. Lost 20lbs and my lifts and run times are greatly improved.
To answer a few topics that came up in previous posts: About the hunting trip - My wife actively encouraged me to start pursuing passions as I had put myself on hold while I was in school. She was supportive of this and anything outdoorsy as I can take my sons with me (well, S3 can’t go hunting yet, but can go hiking, camping, fishing, etc) or we could go on a family hike. We divided parenting duties and individual time very well; part of our good management skills (except for the MR).
Breaking news: W is taking S3 on a playdate with EA's D4. Got in a huge fight over it where she revealed a lot of anger about how I “always second guess her as a parent” and “judge her” for her decisions. I'm looking back over the relationship to see where else I've done things like that as well as why she may perceive things that way or how I came across that way and why. I understand that she's an emotional wreck and that she projected a lot onto me during the conversation, but it felt like she really meant those things. To be clear, I stated that I was not comfortable with her taking S3 to hang out with OM and his D4 because of her feelings for him and her emotional state. She came back and said that they are just friends, that I need to take my heart out of the situation, that I made a worse decision by taking him to a “Friendsgiving” dinner at our neighbors house (whom we visit regularly for game night) where there were other women that neither of us knew, that she should be able to move on with whoever she wants (friend, stranger, or “a person across the gd world”, that I was being judgemental, that I didn’t trust her with the emotional well-being of our son, that I thought she would emotionally or physically harm S3. Mind you, these all came as a flurry of separate texts with only 2-3 responses from me in there wherein I stated that this might confuse S3, that I thought she was a good mother, and that her intentions and mine concerning another relationship are very different (I told her less than a week after BD (before DB) that I was going to take a long break from relationships and focus on relearning myself).
I’m mind-reading for a second here, bear with me, but I believe that she is very emotionally charged about me finding another woman - this would explain the constant questions about meeting someone else, if anyone has been flirting with me, etc. any time that I go out as well as the reaction from her about the game night. I don’t know whether those emotions are positive or negative, guessing negative by the aforementioned conversation, but the reactions are there. I’m not going to read into them, I’m just acknowledging that she is reacting to certain things. I’d like your guys’ take on it.
There's a lot happening on your end. That sounds really inappropriate for your wife to take your son on a playdate with her affair partner!! I don't know if there's anything you can do to stop that but your wife arranging such a meeting isn't in your son's best interest and it's unfair to you. I'd have a really hard time with that if I were you. It's surprising she's so open and honest. It's hard to understand why she wants you to know all these things. It could be to get your reaction, to show you how she's moving on, or there's a small possibility she wants you to fight for the marriage and to stop her from doing these things and be a strong, protective husband although that's unlikely.
It's nice that you told your wife you forgive her but something doesn't seem right about that. There's also a fine balance between fighting to save your marriage and offering her a blessing and forgiveness to do what she's doing. This is an area to think carefully about because the conversation maybe shouldn't even be happening and to be so forgiving so soon after you find out about an affair partner may reflect a lapse in judgement. If you still feel that way in weeks and months then it's commendable that you're able to forgive so easily but you may realize later that's not how you feel at all. It's kind of hard to know how you'll feel from day-to-day right now because there's so much to process and cope with.
My guess is your wife wants you to find another woman because that'd make her feel less guilty and she'd feel better about what she's doing knowing that you're with someone else while she's with her new man.
I feel like I can't quite grasp everything you're writing because in most cases the one who's having the affair hides the affair and does everything to avoid being discovered. It seems like the opposite with your wife. Now that you know she seems to be giving you all the details. Hopefully others with more experience will be able to offer a better perspective. I hope though the detachment strategy that DB teaches will help you to gain some distance because this sounds like such a painful situation to be in. That'll be good if your wife does move out. Let's see how she feels in a year or two when her new life isn't as great as she expected!
I have a lot of mixed, powerful feelings right now. Luckily I have a great support group (you all included). I believe that forgiveness is a choice. I could hold onto the anger and pain of everything she is doing, or I could let it go and focus on me. I'm not perfect at it and I know I will fail at this forgiveness, but I will strive to never show her that and to do my best for me and my boys. I can't be my best if I'm holding onto resentment. Specifically, I forgave her for asking for wanting the divorce and wanting to move on - I believe those are natural feelings for someone in her position. I still hold onto the objection to spending time with her EA and especially taking S3 over there, but like you said, I can't stop her so I do my best not to dwell on it.
We just had a conversation about the living arrangements. I won't get into the logistics of it, but we're trying to work it out where I keep the house (we decided this the other night). She had planned on staying here, but I made it very clear that if we weren't selling the house, that I was going to be the one staying here. She absolutely loves this house, but she also couldn't afford to keep it with all of her debt. I think she's finally understanding the gravity of how this will affect her life going forward. I think what happened next was the first time the power dynamic switched. She told me she was heading out next week and possibly this Saturday - I feel like she was baiting me into a fight, but I told her that the time away would be good for her and for me. I think I'm finally starting to get this detachment thing because I was genuinely excited to spend time with the boys while she was out of the house. She didn't handle my response well, got visibly upset. I told her that she should go take care of her second business (the online community thing).
I don't think that her headspace is typical for this forum. WAW and WW descriptions capture part of what is going on, but on the individual level, she is really handling this calmly (ish) with a great deal of planning and logic behind her decisions (most are actually fair), even if they get overridden by emotions sometimes. I'm certain that the divorce papers will be filed shortly, once we agree on the financials, and that she will follow through to divorce, knowing the person that she is. She seemed so confident in the beginning, but I don't see the same confidence anymore. Tonight, I'm still hopeful for the MR, but I'm also okay if she follows through. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
I don't think that her headspace is typical for this forum. WAW and WW descriptions capture part of what is going on, but on the individual level, she is really handling this calmly (ish) with a great deal of planning and logic behind her decisions (most are actually fair)
this is my W too. Is your W a very determined person? Makes decisions easily? Mine is, and this is how she is. I think she's powering through because it's a decisions she's made that she feels it is fairest to continue on that path. Perhaps she sees the pain that could be caused by waffling back and forth. And so she thinks a calm rip-off-the-band-aid approach is best?
I don't know, for me the calmness makes it easier in some ways, but harder in others. I can't point out the monster and say "This is not my W". But then I get glimpses, so I know that she IS in crisis, and not just leaving out of the blue. For them it is still very real.
I don't think that her headspace is typical for this forum.
I'm in the same boat, JB. Cool, calm, collected. At least that's what she projects. But is your W someone who projects a good image even when she's in turmoil inside? It's definitely OK to feel that way, and I think a lot of people (myself included) have the same kinds of fears that come from that.
The best advice I got, early on, that I should have listened to, is to drop that attitude right away. We all know our Ws better than anyone else (we hope), but the advice you get here applies to just about anyone. So accept that there are unique aspects of how your W's mind works, but don't use that as a reason to reject any advice you get here. I mean I'm not saying you are, but that's what I learned. Trust the people here.
I mean, look, you just got two other people who think the same things about their Ws. There must be others. So your situation isn't as unique as you think. Now, as to whether you can deduce your likelihood of success based on those unique aspects of your W...that's one that I worry about. I've heard people say that the "crazy" ones are the ones that don't follow through, while the cool/collected ones are the ones who stick to their guns.
Only time will tell. And it doesn't change what you need to do. If you DB the way it's recommended here, you might influence her choices. Other than that, she will do what she will do and trying to stop her will only make it worse. That is a universal truth.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Yail and Burned, thanks for your insight. I definitely plan on continuing to DB. My observation was just to say that every W has her own situation going on and mine doesn't quite fit the mould, as it were. She is a very determined person. First in her family to get a college degree and she went on to get her masters. This is after her tragic early life (especially early adulthood). I'm not going to share that story as it's not mine to share, but she has overcome a great deal through perseverance and grit. She puts on a bold (sometimes angry) face, but there are a lot of cracks where I see this is tearing her up inside. I don't believe she'll deviate from her course, but I hold onto hope that this particular strategy will be effective, either during the waiting period or after the divorce. I think I stated it earlier, but I have an overwhelming conviction to keep the family together as a single unit (very anti-divorce). Despite this, I'm getting better at DBing every day, let her go a little more, detach a little further, work on myself a little harder. It's incredibly tough to keep the mindset and I slip up on occasion, but this forum has been a real pillar for me. Just to get my thoughts out there or to recap events. Especially to get advice and read other people's struggles.
Yail and Burned, thanks for your insight. I definitely plan on continuing to DB. My observation was just to say that every W has her own situation going on and mine doesn't quite fit the mould, as it were. She is a very determined person. First in her family to get a college degree and she went on to get her masters. This is after her tragic early life (especially early adulthood). I'm not going to share that story as it's not mine to share, but she has overcome a great deal through perseverance and grit. She puts on a bold (sometimes angry) face, but there are a lot of cracks where I see this is tearing her up inside. I don't believe she'll deviate from her course, but I hold onto hope that this particular strategy will be effective, either during the waiting period or after the divorce. I think I stated it earlier, but I have an overwhelming conviction to keep the family together as a single unit (very anti-divorce). Despite this, I'm getting better at DBing every day, let her go a little more, detach a little further, work on myself a little harder. It's incredibly tough to keep the mindset and I slip up on occasion, but this forum has been a real pillar for me. Just to get my thoughts out there or to recap events. Especially to get advice and read other people's struggles.
I just wrote about this in my How To Save Your Marriage thread.
Wasn't she just as determined when she took wedding vows with you? She changes her mind once, she can do so again. The key is to let her go. Stop trying to fix things and her. Save yourself, not the marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow, Steve. For all the insight and wisdom I've gained and received, that little piece never occurred to me. Thank you! I'm going to go read that thread.
Caught up on that thread, great stuff. I slipped up today with pursuit. We're on a week on week off schedule with the kids and W said she was going to be out her week w/o the kids (next week). I asked her what days she was out next week so I could plan around it, but in reality I dont need to know because it's my week with the kids. She understood, thought I wanted to know what she was doing, but I made it clear that I don't. She then stated that we should share info about time out of the house, for security reasons (she has high anxiety issues, so any time the door chime goes off from the security system, she mildly panics unless she expects someone). I told her that we shouldn't share those things, but she has for the most part anyway (details about when she is coming and going, not where or what she's doing). I can see both sides of the argument - it would be respectful to share while we're IHS, but on the other side of the coin, it's intrusive (and against DB principles). I'm torn.
DB is so hard. I'm really struggling with processing the changes that are going on. There is so much in motion and turmoil that it's hard to keep it all straight. My W is doing all the things that I need to be doing - GAL, 180, detachment. It feels like I've already lost her, which is probably a healthy thought. I've been getting out, doing things with friends and by myself. I'm making plans with the kids, too. I'm trying to regain my masculinity by spending more time with other men and just doing the things I need and want to do. Still doing a ton of reading and research on improving myself. Is there a point where it becomes unhealthy?
