I've read some of your threads. The pain is palpable in your writings. I am really sorry. It is so, so hard. I can relate to your struggles of understanding things intellectually, however not being able to accept them emotionally. From reading here for the last few years, I believe that we all suffer to different degrees and the grief process can be longer for some. I think some of it is because we are wired differently and also we have had different childhood experiences and histories that allow/prevent us to deal with additional traumas. I also think that when we are in different stages of life, it can be harder to recover from these things. Getting a D bomb dropped on us at 25 without kids and a mortgage is quite different than being 50 and more settled, so to speak. I can see that you are really hard on yourself, and so I wanted to offer some encouragement.
I didn't start posting here until I started to piece/recover my M. After BD, I really struggled for a long time. I was devastated. I lost 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, and cried multiple times a day and night. Everything felt hard to do, even getting up and getting dressed in the morning. I was also dealing with other family problems simultaneously and had a history of some depression and anxiety (not properly diagnosed). People (and my IC) would often tell me how hard I was on myself for not "handling things better." Unfortunately, that didn't seem to help change my thinking or behaviors. It even made me feel worse about myself. I read a bit of that in you.
So I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are so many people here and more reading here (that will never post) that are struggling to cope with the same devastation. We never thought our life would be like this, right? We just assumed that one day things would settle down, we would have a career, a home and family, and that we could start thinking about a life of calm. I think the reality is tho, that most do not have that. We don't prepare for these life changes, and they just happen.
I am not close with my mom, but she had a major life change at a hard time. She had been with my step-father for 17 years and very much loved him. She had terrible migraines and he did everything for her. He didn't wake up one morning at the age of 61, yet hadn't had any known health problems. She wasn't working anymore and had relied on his income. She then learned that they didn't pay off their home and actually were in a reverse mortgage. So in her late 50s she lost it all. She fell into a terrible, and at times debilitating, depression for several years. ... Then one day she met a man in her bereavement group, who had lost his wife of 40 years. They became friends. Then they fell in love. It was the most unexpected time and place. And I can say with certainty that the love they shared was better on so many levels than she ever had had with my step-dad. There were important things missing in their M that she didn't see because she didn't want to. My step-dad loved her, but he wasn't the right man for her.
I am not a religious person, but I have a strong faith. I have faith that if we teach ourselves to believe that things will get better in time, then they will. Even in my darkest days, I was able to find a bit of this faith. In time, I know your sitch will improve. It doesn't have to be today or even next month. It is okay to grieve as long as you need to. In time, you will heal and you will find something or someone that is better for you. I 100% believe that.
Best, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu... thank you so much for dropping by and reading some of my thread. I have been reading all of your posts as I find them very inspiring and full of wisdom so I feel a bit like I’ve been visited by a DB rock star. This board and the wonderful people on it have been a lifesaver for me. If I couldn’t come on here and write about all of my emotions and jumbled thoughts, I think I would have gone crazy by now. With every key stroke, I feel like I am getting that much closer to my goal. Even my goal is changing. Before it was all about getting my H back. Slowly, but surely, it is becoming all about getting me back so that when I find myself in another R in the future either with my H (miracles sometimes do happen) or someone else, I will be a stronger, wiser, and more confident DV - a woman who knows who she is and knows that as much as she wants a partner to share all of life’s ups and downs, she is not someone who NEEDS one. I was that person once...before I met my H. I had (still have) a good career, I was independent and owned my own home. I was happy and positive despite the fact that my father was dying at the time. All of these traits were what attracted my H in the first place. I don’t know how or why, but over the years I kind of lost that person. I became a mom who worried about things I never worried about before and I got caught up in the world of “shoulds” and “musts” and always felt like I never quite measured up... as a mom and as a wife. There are many things I would do differently if I had the chance but I cannot beat myself up for that anymore. As my good DB friend FS pointed out, I was doing the best I could at the time. HInd sight is always 20/20, isn’t it?
Today was a pretty good day. I went for a walk with my co-workers at lunch and I found myself really enjoying the time with them. I remember thinking, “in this moment, I am really okay”, and I know those moments will become hours and hours will become days, etc... I am getting there...step by step. Feeling really grateful to all of you for helping me get this far. (((HUGS)))
Had a strange day yesterday. My headache really ramped up at the end of my work day so I went home early. Before leaving the office, I texted my H that I was going home early and likely would be in my room so if he wanted to come help with the kids, he was welcome. I expected him to decline the offer but he texted back pretty quickly saying he was on his way and actually got there before I did. We talked for a few minutes before I headed off to my room and I noticed it was the first time in a long time that I didn't have that queasy, sick feeling being in his company. So maybe that's progress? Anyway, he had dinner with his mom and the kids, helped with some homework and then headed off at around 6:00 telling his mom he had a meeting and would try to come back. When she told me that, I knew that he would not be back. I'm also pretty sure he didn't have a meeting but whatever, it is his life. He still can't manage to be in our home for more than two hours. I don't know why. Guilt maybe? Maybe it's too familiar? Again...who knows?
This weekend is pretty much my first weekend without the kids when I will be at home. Fortunately, I have lots of things to do so I won't have to dwell on it too much. Trying to imagine what it would be like to only have them 50% of the time. It is unimaginable at this point. It seems so unfair that my H decided to blow up our lives without so much as a "Hey, DV6...we're in trouble here..." and now we all have to just accept it and go along with what he wants...at least that is how he sees it. I think the thing I am still bothered by is the mountain of lies I know he has been telling me for the past four years. Trying to replay things in my mind and wondering what memories are true and what ones are not. It is crazy-making, I know. If we sat down and I asked him to answer all of my questions truthfully, would he? Does he even know the difference between a truth and a lie at this point? He thinks that by moving away from all of the devastation he has caused and trying to be a good dad from here on out, he will somehow absolve himself of everything and not have to face up to his actions? Like he just gets a free pass? This stuff went on for four YEARS...not four months or four weeks. YEARS!!! How do I reconcile that? How does he? Did he ever really love me? Is he even capable of ever really loving someone? Am I just relegated to accepting status quo without ever having any answers? There is that sick feeling again...
You need to stop yourself from running down those cheeseless tunnels. You will likely never get the answers you want, and you need to get to a place where you are ok with that. He is rewriting history, and probably was for a long time as he checked out on the relationship.
I remember quite well when I would get into my head and the thoughts would just cycle over and over again in an interminable loop that never led anywhere. It felt like I couldn't control or even slow down the thoughts. Learning how to break that cycle has been a huge relief and help in my progress. I still get thoughts or memories of the MR at times, but I simply let them go. Some people find visualization helpful - imagining the thoughts as balloons which you let go, or a rushing river that you observe come and go. Others find breathing techniques and mindfullness helpful. Simply taking 4 deep breathes, focusing on the inhale and exhale can bring your mind back to the present. Whatever it is, find something that works for you to cut off these recursive thoughts before they begin to metastasize.
Hang in there. You can do this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thank you Davide. I am not spending too much time going down the tunnels... at least not as much time as I was before.
I picked up my kids from school today and the first thing they said was that they didn’t want to go to dad’s. Great. What am I supposed to do about that? So I just told them that I understood it was a change and that sometimes things can’t be exactly the way you would like them to be. I told them I think it is important they have some time with their dad and that they could call me anytime they want if they miss me. I also told them not to worry about hurting mom and dad’s feelings and that we always want to know how they feel and encouraged them to talk to daddy too. I hope that was the right thing. Pretty hard to feel like you are doing the right thing when the situation itself is just so wrong.
I was home today when my H was here getting the kids ready to go. He seems so normal it is really irritating. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Moments of awkward silences that were never there before. I probably shouldn’t have but I asked my H where he was those 21/2 years he was having treatment. He said he was quite often at the hospital and then, of course, sidestepped the question and never really answered it. I guess I will never really know and even if he does tell me, it’s unlikely to be the whole truth anyway. Sigh... it is so hard to accept that someone I devoted so much of my life to is essentially a stranger. His mom feels that way and she gave birth to him. I wonder who REALLY knows him or if anyone really does. It is sad when you think about it in that way. To live your life with so many lies that you can’t let anyone REALLY know you. It must be lonely at the end of the day.
Had a bit of a cry when my kids left. It is difficult to let them go. I signed up to be a full-time mom so having my time with them scheduled is really difficult to accept.
All these family Christmas commercials are KILLING ME!!! I really just want to fast forward two months and be done with it. Three hours since my kids left with their dad... feels like three days. Trying really hard not to resent the sh#t our of him right now!!! I can’t believe this is my life.
Hey DejaVu6, The holidays are hard,I’m sorry you are struggling right now.You have been an encouragement to me, and to others, I know sometimes the pain can be overwhelming, but tommorrow is another day. Please be kind to yourself as you would with a good friend. I do think it’s healthy to get angry too, it’s part of the healing process although it feels really shitty...the only way out is through..but you are still moving forward. I hope you can do some nice things for yourself this weekend....you deserve it.
Thanks Sansa. I was having a moment. I do have some good things to look forward to... a birthday party tomorrow and a Meet-Up hike on Sunday. Also wanted to find some time to put up some Christmas lights and finally buy that guitar I’ve been wanting to buy. Been spending some money lately... might as well while I have it...lol. For my next weekend without kids, I got two free nights at a casino/hotel in Washington so I’m going to do some Christmas shopping and get away for a couple days. Looking forward to it.
Angry at myself for letting my H get to me. I forgot to say that after he sidestepped my question, he said “I prefer to look forward to the future [instead of answering uncomfortable questions about the past].” I did exactly what I told myself I wasn’t going to do... I am just too impulsive sometimes. Anyway... I said “Of course you do. You want a free pass. Like nothing you did before even matters.” Ugh... not my best moment. I almost texted to apologize but then thought better of it. No...sometimes it is just okay to be human.
I was thinking a lot about what it is that I can’t get past and after much deliberating, I think I am angry most at my H because his “cover story” about why he was away all that time prevented me from acknowledging my own feelings. I was in survival mode all those years. I was desperately lonely. I gave myself many talking-tos... How dare I feel hard done by when my poor H is in a hospital going through painful treatments. So I shoved my feelings down...devoted myself to caring for our kids and supporting my H in everything he did... day in and day out. I loved him... I hated the way I was being treated but I thought it was his illness...not him. Had I known that it was HIM, I could have done something different. At the very least... I could have dealt with my own feelings. He knew it too. He knew I was suffering and he just walked away...day after day after day... So that’s my rant for the day. I just got “Co-Dependent No More” delivered today with a workbook. Gonna do some of that this weekend too.
I am just too impulsive sometimes. Anyway... I said “Of course you do. You want a free pass. Like nothing you did before even matters.” Ugh... not my best moment. I almost texted to apologize but then thought better of it. No...sometimes it is just okay to be human.
Hi ((DV6)), sorry to hear of your sitch.
Yes, it's okay to be human, in fact it's awesome. Live and learn... We can't learn if we don't make mistakes, right? Have your moments, and make them count. Don't Apologize.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I was thinking a lot about what it is that I can’t get past and after much deliberating, I think I am angry most at my H because his “cover story” about why he was away all that time prevented me from acknowledging my own feelings. I was in survival mode all those years. I was desperately lonely. I gave myself many talking-tos... How dare I feel hard done by when my poor H is in a hospital going through painful treatments. So I shoved my feelings down...devoted myself to caring for our kids and supporting my H in everything he did... day in and day out. I loved him... I hated the way I was being treated but I thought it was his illness...not him. Had I known that it was HIM, I could have done something different. At the very least... I could have dealt with my own feelings. He knew it too. He knew I was suffering and he just walked away...day after day after day... So that’s my rant for the day. I just got “Co-Dependent No More” delivered today with a workbook. Gonna do some of that this weekend too.
Love and (((HUGS))) to you all.
You felt like you were doing the right thing at the time so don't beat yourself up. It goes to show how twisted people can get and how callous they become. Good thing is you know now so that you can start to do something different.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
This board and the wonderful people on it have been a lifesaver for me. If I couldn’t come on here and write about all of my emotions and jumbled thoughts, I think I would have gone crazy by now. With every key stroke, I feel like I am getting that much closer to my goal. Even my goal is changing. Before it was all about getting my H back. Slowly, but surely, it is becoming all about getting me back so that when I find myself in another R in the future either with my H (miracles sometimes do happen) or someone else, I will be a stronger, wiser, and more confident DV - a woman who knows who she is and knows that as much as she wants a partner to share all of life’s ups and downs, she is not someone who NEEDS one. I was that person once...before I met my H. I had (still have) a good career, I was independent and owned my own home. I was happy and positive despite the fact that my father was dying at the time. All of these traits were what attracted my H in the first place. I don’t know how or why, but over the years I kind of lost that person. I became a mom who worried about things I never worried about before and I got caught up in the world of “shoulds” and “musts” and always felt like I never quite measured up... as a mom and as a wife. There are many things I would do differently if I had the chance but I cannot beat myself up for that anymore. As my good DB friend FS pointed out, I was doing the best I could at the time. HInd sight is always 20/20, isn’t it? 