Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821126&page=10

[Adam04]

You asked whether I could take her back and love her again and I just won't know until we get to a point where we have to make a decision. She has a long way to go with therapy and I have repressed any of the questions that I need answered about the A, OM etc and have no interest pursuing them right now. I am continuing to do my thing and am encouraging W to get out again and see her "friends". The only thing that matters is that I will be a better person after this is over whether its R or D and my kids will as well. It is very hard to get to this point and I am over the anger that I had for my WW. We know that we will always love each other but in a different way just because of our time together but we are just not sure if there will ever be a new relationship

Thank you for your support lost8. It's good to see you are recognizing she still has a long way to go and more accepting of that opposed to the tone you last had About knowing your "feelings" and being done. I know my feelings will change with the highs and lows. Some days I will feel strong and as if nothing can move me and then others for reasons unknown it can all come crashing down. Being new to this "amusement park" in time I'll figure out which rollercoaster ride is and isn't for me. I'm sorting through my feelings and processing things still.

This morning driving in to work I thought about life and this sitch, trying to rationalize things, saying inthe first stage of not knowing a lot of mistakes can be made and neglect from not knowing, then stage 2 of awareness is when we wake up and start to try new things, thinking this is where I am at. When I first learned about the DR book I sometimes regret telling my wife based on what the book told me that I want to work on the MR. Maybe at stage 3, when I'm prepared, I can deal with the consequences of my actions better but it will be a while. I don't know , seems like a lot of overthinking. I'm trying to be cautious that I don't just run with things while learning how to deal and handle things. Working on self control.


Edit. Forgot to copy something trivial on the home pc last night in case she pastes... I hope she isn't as good at snooping as she is at hiding. /chuckle.

[Adam04]

Yesterday I was looking at my list of attorneys and didn't see office hours on weekends, does anyone know if that exists, maybe with paralegals or are first consults usually with the lawyer?

Also, I was reading and watching Videos on what to ask on first consult. There was also info on what your lawyer should be asking you. One video had top 50 questions to ask from what I remember.

Has a list been made before or discussed on the board? Not sure how much time they allow per the first free consult. Looking for info to protecting myself and the kids. Thanks.

[lost8]

My first consult was about 30 - 40 minutes. These guys don't like giving time away. They want to know your sitch and how serious you are about needing them. Don't use them as a counselor, they don't want to do that. Tell them what is going on and ask what your options are. My attorney did consults on Saturdays but they are all different.

[Adam04]

Found an attorney available for Saturdays. Checked out Texas Divorce process with children, custody, child support, health support, and rules on abandonment. Making the list of what to ask them in areas of children, my rights, finances, their hourly/set fees, the process, and what it would look like when we move out of this house and split. Does that count towards abandonment... the way it reads is if I leave the marriage home for over a year, then it could. Once we sell it, it wont be our home anymore so that should be nulled.

I am on the same phone plan with W, a thought crossed my mind if I need to be secretive for now on getting legal advice since its none of her business. Wondered if there is a way around not having the lawyer phone #s show up on the call logs.

Going to pick up glasses to get fit...

From last night to this morning, it's been weird. Will share when I get back. Hope people are enjoying their weekend.

[Adam04]

Thank you lost for the info on the consult.

Got my glasses, need to get the reading ones In January.

For the last few weeks, I've been putting distance between W and I and spent no time with her family except when some of them were here for Thanksgiving. Skipped her family Thanksgiving party. Giving her the space she wants. Last night when I came home later than usual, she said our 10yo wanted to swing by the new house being built, I said okay. I don't know what I was thinking, I was just saying okay but then I thought maybe I should bring it back up and I meant to say okay you guys can go ahead. Later she fell asleep on the couch and I was in the study. Told my son I wasn't going to go and that he and mom could go in the morning after we get our glasses. No big deal, I thought.

Couple weeks ago we all went to get our eye exam and went to see the new house being built and maybe had lunch somewhere? So this was following the same pattern, which I have been trying to break away from, doing the family thing...

This morning I get out of the MBR and she's awake on the couch. We were discussing when we should leave to get the glasses. Then I said well can you guys just pick up the glasses for me because I'm not going to go, and I told her I was not going to go to see the house and that I alrdy told my older son. She asked if I was certain that I didn't want to go try on the glasses. Told her they fit before when we picked them out and they were just going to put the lenses in. She used this opportunity to ask, what's going on? She said I've checked out for weeks. She asked why didn't I want to see the house, that I wasn't doing anything with them, the family, anymore. She asked if I no longer wanted to be a part of the family. I was looking out the window. I thought to myself, Okay, I'm not going to get baited into this and I said something like no(as in no that's not it), BUT... then she said, fine if you want to leave, then you can leave. Back up... what? Okay, I'm human, I could not let this go.

I walk over to her, I said, no, I'm not leaving our home or our family, I'm not the one who left. I don't recall everything word for word, wish I did. I said you are the one who wanted to separate, who wanted the divorce, to be independent. I told her me and the boys are staying. I did ask her, did YOU want to leave because me and the boys are staying and you can leave if you want. She said she wasn't sure what was going on with me. She was trying to blame me for doing something "wrong" by not playing "happy family". She's delusional.

I reminded her that day on BD that she said she wanted to go. I said you are the one who wanted to take off your ring, you wanted to separate, you wanted to go. I said I'm not going anywhere but if you wanted to leave, you can. She said she didn't want to. She said this is what I'm talking about you changed from the day after we talked about D. She said you used to come into the room on the edge of the bed and lay there with me and the boys. I told her I was weak then. I said I deserve better than this.

I feel like I'm going to jumble this up. She was saying she was afraid I was going to go back to being a certain way before BD happened. That I never helped and she was wanting to see if this was real or not. I remember telling her "those" things we could have worked out by communicating in our marriage, but I deserve, this family deserves better, I don't deserve a wife who lies, who deceives, who cheats on her husband and is having an affair. She squeaked something and made a look like she was trying to argue against it. I told her she had a bad poker face and I knew when she was lying before. I asked her if she remember the day it happened and she said no, I said I did. I asked her if she remembers what she did after that day, she said no. I said I knew. This made one of her eyes twitch badly. I told her I am done. I brought up the times she mentioned about being in limbo. I brought up the time when she said if I felt like she was stringing me along, to let her know. I said this is living in limbo and I don't want to live like this any more so I am moving on. I told her I'm not letting you string me along. Why would I let her know if I felt like SHE had control of stringing me along? Does that even make sense? Does that mean if I felt the collar was too tight or something that she would loosen it?

Somewhere in all that she asked me could we still work it out. I gave her a look like really? I didn't say anything in response. I left and she started to cry. I want to say, I was aware of my body language, I was standing up but not above her. Comfortable space away when she was laying on the couch. I never once raised my voice in a talk over you type of tone. I was however stern and trying to be clear and to the point. My body language wasn't all over the place. I was talking to her directly, making eye contact in a stern voice. There were some minimal hand gestures but nothing like throwing out hands or flailing arms all over the place like in a total mess. I'd say I was in control of myself.

Later she came to my study and asked if it was too late to try and work on things. I gave a little bit pause and said no... maybe I should not have said anything because she was temp checking, but so many thoughts flooded my mind. She said ok, ok and walked off crying. She went to her room and sat on the edge of the bed, I said wait, I told her things are not the same any more, its not like how people can easily work things out. I said this thing is set in motion, we are both geared for this divorce and that she wanted her independence and I'm giving it to her. She started to get into her ugly cry and she said she wanted the boys to be happy, for us, our family to be happy. Then she was going to say something and said forget it. She was looking down and crying. I said hey in a low whisper, so when we did make eye contact, I said I know its a lot to think about. she said yeah. and I said I know it can be confusing, she started to cry more and said yeah. I nodded in agreement. Then I walked away.

I wanted to validate just a little something. Yeah, it's tough, but she has to deal with it.

She probably cried for about a good 15-20 minutes before going to take a shower. I went to take a shower in the MBR. I thought about my glasses... about what I said and how I felt. I was being honest, not trying to be hurtful, and since it's out there, we both can see it. It felt authentic. maybe it's a start? To something, to nothing, the same, spinning? No expectations here.

I did go with her and the boys to pick up the glasses. Our little one got his first pair and he loves them! I shouldn't be missing some of the small things when it comes to the boys. She dropped me off at home to meet up with her siblings to eat out and then go see the house and here I am.

[burned]

I dunno, man. In my experience, when they "ugly cry" it's legit. Especially for 20 minutes, alone. Could mean nothing. But I'd be surprised if she's that good of an actor for that to be a temp check.

You handled it well. She seems like she may be having second thoughts. Act like it means nothing. Stay as detached as you can. This is the moment when, if you switch back into pursuit, she runs away again, and faster.

Distance. Make her pursue. If she wants you she will show it.

Time for a bacon burger...

[Adam04]

Thank you burned,

Gonna chalk it up to nothing.

I plan to keep distancing myself for a couple of reasons, one is for my sanity.

I've read several of Sandi's posts everywhere and if W pursues, the only sign I am interested in is the remorse. if there is no remorse, there is no R. I like things in black and white and this is easy for me to understand. Sandi has been so kind to also provide a whole list of actions that back up the words. Easy to see attitude match actions and words. If something is off, then not Ready.

Another things, a lot of posts about piecing and Sandi's own posts about when she was remorseful indicate minimal time of 2years +. I have a long way to go. I'm sure if my game isn't right, what would make W to come back. Why wouldn't she be second guessing herself?

We both deserve better, our family deserves better, and the kids deserve better from both their parents.

Bacon burger sounds good... I was daydreaming about a nice ribeye.

[DejaVu6]

Sounds like a start Adam. Like Burn says... let her come to you. She’s struggling with the reality of her decision. The fantasy is starting to crumble. Take it slow. You’re right. It’s not going to be easy. A lot has happened. A lot has been said. It will take time. Be cool though. Too much enthusiasm on your part will send her running again.

[Adam04]

Sounds like a start Adam. Like Burn says... let her come to you. She’s struggling with the reality of her decision. The fantasy is starting to crumble. Take it slow. You’re right. It’s not going to be easy. A lot has happened. A lot has been said. It will take time. Be cool though. Too much enthusiasm on your part will send her running again.

Hey DV6, That's true about scaring her away but that's the last thing on my mind, being around or pursuit. I have NGS so bad anyways that I think if I started to pursue, I would only half A do it and then give up and do something else.