This past week was predictable. He was in Vegas for work. In-laws has the kids Monday and Tuesday so he was texting me regularly to check on what I was doing. I admit, I responded on Monday but didn’t Tuesday. I had the kids Wednesday and Thursday so of course I didn’t hear from him. But I contacted him Thursday to find out what time he was picking up the kids on Friday and he got upset that I was “bothering” him. He said “I need to adjust how I set expectations with you.” Wow.
H came over last night to pick up the kids. We sat down to talk about some household and kid related stuff. I find he is more amenable when we do these talks in person but I was still nervous we’d get into a fight because I had quite a few financial topics to discuss that required him giving me more money - I’m finding the monthly budget I set isn’t enough, Christmas gifts, etc. I expected him to blow up but instead he said yes to all without even complaining. He almost offered me more money. He even said “I want to support you.” What, did he win the jackpot while in Vegas? I’m waiting for him to renege and flip out about money again.
I bring up mediation. We had an intro meeting with one mediator last week. We had another intro with a second one scheduled in two weeks. He told me before Thanksgiving that the second one was pointless because he didn’t want to wait that long to meet with another mediator, that we should just go with the first one and get things going. Then yesterday, I told him I was going to cancel the meeting with the second mediator. He said “Why? Keep it. We have time.” Huh?
So before he leaves he grabs me and kisses me passionately. I got weak and let him. Then, he tells me “We can’t do this physical stuff anymore. It’s hard because when I see you, you look so hot, but it’s not fair to you or me. We can’t keep yo-yo’ing, and I don’t want to hurt you.” WTF. Ok, he’s right that we can’t do physical stuff anymore but I was mad that he kissed me and then said this to me. I was mad that he said it to me when I was already trying to detach. I was mad that he said he didn’t want to hurt me...um, haven’t you done that already? And I was mad that last week it was “I’m thinking about you. I miss you. I love you.”
My next moment of weakness, I asked if he was in a relationship with the OW. He said “I don’t know. I mean, I’m not in anything right now but eventually I will be with her or with someone else.” Again, inability to just tell me. I got my senses together and said “You’re right. We can’t be physical anymore.” He didn’t say anything but I think he was a little surprised I agreed instead of getting upset.
He left after that. I’m still mad that he kissed me and then brought this up. I wanted to detach without it seeming like it was his idea. Does that make sense? I know, it shouldn’t matter either way.
I’m also still hurt and in disbelief that he is starting a relationship with the OW. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids. Everyone tells me that it won’t last but honestly, I don’t know with them. They had an affair for a year and saw each other almost every morning, lunches on work days, and one day almost every other weekend so I feel they got to know each other well vs other affairs where they don’t see each other often and only realize they are not compatible after they spend more time together. They bonded because they were both unhappy in their marriages and had their favorite activities in common - mountain climbing, hiking, etc. I know I can’t control things, but I fear this could become something serious. I hope it does not. But what we focus on grows so I know I need to stop worrying about it.
I guess it is all the more reason for me to truly detach. I know I should do it for myself and I do realize I’ve always deserved better. I want to start off today differently. I want to detach. I want to have a different attitude and put out a different energy than what I’ve been giving out the last six months. I’m tired of all this bulls*#t and want him to realize what he is losing but I also want to stop caring whether or not he realizes it.
So I was actually doing well this weekend. He had the kids and I went out and did stuff with my friends. I was feeling pretty good. I did not reach out to him, and he ended up texting me Sunday night with random kid related questions. Some of them made sense for him to reach out to me about and some seemed like he was just finding a reason to reach out.
Well, I pick up S5 from school today and he starts telling me about his weekend. He said daddy took him and his sister ice skating with his friends. He said the friends were a girl with a baby and he named the other person...it was the OW!!! Then they went to his house and had dinner. I was livid. We had agreed not only to wait a year after dating someone to introduce them to the kids (though maybe he counts his year long affair) and that we would inform the other parent first. The child developmental specialist/mediator we worked with recommended the other parent be told first before telling the kids to avoid any surprise reactions in exactly this type of situation.
I reached out to him via text and I was through the roof mad. I know I should have calmed down first but I just couldn't help it. He tried to justify it by saying she is not his girlfriend, though he finally admitted he was "going to" date her. And he said he introduced her as a friend and it was a group thing with her friends too so the kids had no idea she was someone "special" to daddy. WTF y'all. I am pi#@ed!!!
At first he was apologetic. Then he got angry and started threatening to just file for divorce. He told me to pack my things and get ready to move out of the house. That he was tired of all this. He said he was going to take a "scorched earth" approach. He actually said "Not once through all this have you wished me happiness. Not once have you not thought about yourself and told me that you hope that I can be happy." Can you say...delusional??? I didn't let him walk all over me this time and I told him to go ahead. I totally called his bluff. I think he freaked out thinking I might actually reach out to her and tell her all the crazy things he has said to me and the "I miss you" and "I love you" messages from last week. So then he started to try to reason with me.
In the end, we both calmed down. He asked me if we were "ok." I said fine but I am still mad and processing. I'm still livid. Right now I'm not even sad actually. I'm just mad. Maybe tomorrow I'll be sad. I don't know. I'd rather stay angry
Your anger is completely understandable. However, do you think it helped your sitch to express it to him? Does it bring you any closer to R?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
cdd, do you have a binding, court approved agreement?
I understand you are upset but check to make sure your intentions here are pure. Are you upset about the contact of OW with the kids? Or are just upset that he is still seeing OW?
Understand, that this is first of many many things you are going to be upset by. Are you going to contact him livid every time something like this happens? Think about the questions Davide asked above very carefully.
And yes he is delusional. And yes, he thinks he can go scorched earth without you going scorched earth. WSs are typically as delusional as they come.
cdd, so if this is a boundary that you want to enforce, how are you going to enforce it. I only see one play for you, are you willing to take that step?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Davide - While it did not bring us closer to R, I think it did actually help my situation. This is the first time I stood up for myself. Like really stood up. And when he threatened divorce I just said "ok," which made him backpedal. He saw this time that I was mad and would not let him walk all over me.
Steve85 - We have our parenting plan drafted but a judge won't sign it until we file for divorce or legal separation, which we have not done yet. We are going to start financial mediation next month and then he wants to file for legal separation...or divorce...depending on the day. Either way, this agreement wasn't in the parenting plan. Our lawyers said even if it was it's something the court would enforce.
Honestly, of course it hurts to know he is dating the OW again. But I processed that about two weeks ago when I confirmed it. I went away to Hawaii for Thanksgiving and he sent me all those messages about missing me and loving me and then he blew up on me. I realized then how manipulative he was. It actually helped me move forward more. In fact, while I can't control it, maybe him seeing the OW is what's needed for him to realize what he's lost in me and that his affair fantasy isn't so great when it becomes reality. Or maybe he won't. I don't know. But I'm actually ok with either way. I used to pray every night that he would have a change of heart. My prayers have now changed...I just pray that I will get through this and be happy...soon.
So now, my anger stems from me not wanting her near my kids.
So now, my anger stems from me not wanting her near my kids.
Unfortunately that is not something you can prevent. I know it stinks, but unless she is a sex offender there is no legal standing for it. I'd forget about that and concentrate on things you CAN control.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know it stinks, but unless she is a sex offender there is no legal standing for it. I'd forget about that and concentrate on things you CAN control.