What I learned from Wife's MLC

[kiro]

I have not written since August 2018. I decided to write again from time to time to share my experience and what I have learned so far.

Here are my previous threads, the first 2 are in the Newcomers forum. The last one in the Midlife Crisis forum.

1st thread under For Newcomers: Need advice on detaching

2nd thread under For Newcomers: Need advice on detaching- Part 2

3rd thread under Midlife Crisis: Wife gone- No Contact for 5 months


Here is a brief summary of my story:

BD: 1.5 years ago in July 2017
At time of BD:
Me 47 (now 48), W 39 (now 40)
M 17 years (now 18)
S16 (now 17) and S12 (now 13)
W moved out 1 year ago, in Dec 2017

[kiro]

Here is a brief overview of my state since BD, with approximate dates from BD:

-At BD, I was devastated and shocked

-BD+first days, I cried and begged

-BD+1 week, I apologized and offered to do anything

-BD+1 month, I saw all my mistakes and decided to change 180 degrees

-BD+2 months, I read a lot online then decided to be happy and confident, trying to seduce her back

-BD+2.5 months, I tried to convince her rationally

-BD+3 months, I read some more online then decided to put love first, continue fixing myself while still trying to show happiness and confidence

-BD+4 months, I worked very hard to feel her pain and became very empathetic toward her and everyone

(Wife left)

-BD+8 months, after reading DB and joining this site, I decided to distance myself and stop contact

-BD+10 months, I decided to take care of myself and get a life

-BD+12 months, I became bitter and felt victimized

-BD+13 months, I became depressed, confused and still in denial

(Started mediation to prepare for Divorce)

-BD+14 months, I analyzed a lot, going back and forth between love, hope, denial, anger and acceptance

-BD+15 months, I start taking Antidepressants

-BD+16 months, I isolated myself and started introspection into myself, my issues and my future

(Signed a settlement agreement with mediator and preparing to file for Divorce)

-BD+17 (Now), I am starting accepting more and seeing the bigger picture

It's been a tough journey for sure

[SteveLW]

kiro, thanks for sharing that. I get the impression that most of us come here looking for the magic bullet. "Tell me what to do, say or enact that will get my WAS to stay!"

The truth is in your timeline. It is a marathon. 17 months on and it is still going on. To the new posters this is why we tell you to buckle up for a long, bumpy ride.

[kiro]

And here is my latest perspective on my story:

Everyone has free choice. Every moment i a marriage, each S chooses to stay or leave. We may not be aware of our freedom to choose or we may be afraid to choose, but we are free.

She clearly chose to leave. It's her right as a free person. Fighting this fact, either in real life or in my head, is living in denial.

Fighting it is also a sign of a problem of control and dependence. I need to accept that I will not always have everything that I want and let go in peace. And I need to regain my independence and my self confidence.

Life will go on like it always does.

I need to regain control of myself to regain control of my life because it's the only thing I can control.

Hoping for someone else to come back is torture and is not worth it. I am worth much more and deserve better.

As long as I am still attached to her, I will not be able to judge clearly what happened. And anyway, trying to understand why she left (whether I was a bad husband or not, whether it's MLC, WAW...), is a futile mental challenge not worth the effort and the pain. At least, not at this time.

Someone once told me that people who truly love you will stay with you and will accept you despite all your flaws. The one thing that is clear is that she chose to abandon me. That's it! End of story.

Accepting is very hard, but until one reaches it, there no letting go and no peace.

[kiro]

kiro, thanks for sharing that. I get the impression that most of us come here looking for the magic bullet. "Tell me what to do, say or enact that will get my WAS to stay!"

The truth is in your timeline. It is a marathon. 17 months on and it is still going on. To the new posters this is why we tell you to buckle up for a long, bumpy ride.

Hi Steve, you are absolutely right. This is why I decided to come back and share my story, mostly for the benefit of the newcomers. When we first come here, we're in total denial and are just looking for a quick fix to go back to where we were before BD. Almost, as if we're still telling ourselves that it's just a bad dream, and someone will give me the pill that will wake me up and I'll find everything like it used to be. I've never seen this happen with anyone.

[OrangeK]

Truth from Steve.

[marina7]

Kiro

Yes acceptance is the hardest.

Once your ready to forgive yourself first only you will know of what.

Then forgive W for causing so much pain.

That's when healing begins.

Healing doesn't have a time frame.

I been also going through this 1yr and 8 months

But my healing process I would say over 6 months.

I finally in mediation look at W and said I forgive you.

W had a blank look and put her head down.

Everyone in that room was shock but the therapist we where together in
Look at me and gave me a smile. Because therapist knew what I meant.

I said to W for me able to heal I had to forgive myself because I know I caused you
Pain, but also I forgive you for causing us pain.

I never thought I would get there but I did.

And many friends have ask when did you let go of W.

When I forgave W and said Hi to OW at drop off.

I myself did not plan this it just happened.

It was just a regular drop off and d10 had a tote of a project d10
Was working on. I explained to W then grab the tote W opened trunk in truck
As I place it down I notice OW and said Hello OW I yes used her name.

I was shock when I drove off but I knew at that moment am ok with this
I have accepted.

[kiro]

Marina,

Thanks for sharing. I totally understand what you're saying although I don't think I'm totally there yet. My mind (and heart) seems to swing back and forth between forgiving and anger still.

I think something in my mind is still fighting the idea of total forgiveness, as if holding a grudge is her punishment for what she did. I know it doesn't make sense and it is only hurting me, but it almost happens unconsciously.

I will continue working on it until I reach what you are describing. Thanks again for sharing and good luck with your journey

[marina7]

Kiro,

Oh trust me it has taken lots of therapy
Twice a week

Lots of group supporters, and also here
Divorce busting family.

It took lots of months.
As I stated also surprised myself.

It will happen when you yourself less expect it.

I also shock myself it just happens.

You will know When only you

Remember this is not a marathon.

Oh the swing back and forth I get
Still get those moments but not as bad.

Now those feelings will go for years as my therapist said.

Even if you move on with OP no matter what W was
my first true love. We don't forget our first true love.

Will follow along on your your journey and remember

One day at a time

[kiro]

After reading the last few posts from Steve85 and Maika on Maika's thread, it hit me all of a sudden how happy I can be after D. Thanks guys for your support and your wisdoms.

I don't think I've felt as happy since BD. I am actually truly looking forward to a new life after the Big D.