New here, but reader of forums previously trying to glean advice.
Now I'm looking for some help of my own.
Married 7 years in December, together 8.5. 2 S, oldest 6, youngest 8 weeks old.
We've had our up and downs in our MR, and she's told me in the past what she's been unhappy with, and I've attempted to fix it. However, pregnancy with our youngest really put things into relief, especially back in February. W was up for a promotion at work (Federal employee), and needed to take a physical fit exam. She previously tried the exam, and failed due to a medical condition. However, she became pregnant soon after, and could not retake the test and thus could not get that promotion.
In February (early pregnancy), she began telling me how angry she was with me, and how I needed to work on some things, but in her estimation I would start, but then backslide. She told me 'ILYBINILWY,' and expressed that she isn't sure she wanted to be married to me.
I was a wreck after she told me that, and we both sought IC. I have read a good portion of TDR, and during the spring, I implemented what I could from TLR.
During the spring and into the summer, things seemed like they were improving. Then our youngest was born in September. About a month after he was born, W tells me that she thought not being pregnant would help her anger subside. It hasn't. She floated the idea of when our youngest is in 'a better place,' the possibility of taking a break or separating for a little bit. I told her I'm not leaving these kids. This prompted me to get back with my IC (I basically took the summer off).
We were intimate a couple of weeks ago, but I've not been pushing it, because I'm trying to respect her space, and we've a cold circulating amongst the 4 of us. She claims that breast-feeding the youngest and the physical clinginess of our oldest drives her to want to be alone. She told me a couple of weeks ago that I should not take it personally, and though I trust her, I'm incredibly hurt. The last couple of weeks have meant very little in terms of affection or time together for both of us (some of that was me half-heartedly going back to LRT, but my IC recommends against that at the moment).
She told me back in Feb. there is no OM, and a few weeks ago that she hasn't contacted a lawyer yet and hopes it never has to get that's far. I do see on our computer in the bookmarks toolbar links for leasing agencies (did not snoop, in plain sight when we would watch videos on computer together).
I want our MR to work, and I don't want to lose the kids. I also believe a D would be ruinous financially, to say nothing of the kids.
I also believe that if she were as angry as she claims, she'd be in front of her IC much more often, as she has been out on maternity leave. FWIW, she still wears both wedding rings, we got out to social functions as a family, hosted Thanksgiving and a family friend last weekend, and I haven't seen evidence of her doing anything with money or hoarding possessions that would indicate she is leaving / wants to leave.
I also know that past a certain point, she chooses to be angry (a couple of weeks ago she mentioned that she is still angry at me and isn't sure when / if she can get over that) and that I didn't break her (therefore can't fix her).
Not sure if I have a MLCer or a WW (not necessarily OM, but for her anger, or seeming like a different woman than the one I married).
I also know I deserve better--either from her, or from someone else down the road. Right now, pouring myself into things that don’t seem like they are totally falling apart, mainly our kids (especially the youngest), and my schoolwork (I’m a teacher).
Our 7-year anniversary is in early December, and we previously talked about anniversary gifts, but there hasn't been much discussion of that recently. Should I bring it up? Let her broach it? And if she does mention it, say something like 'I only want to plan an anniversary with you if it won't be our last together'?
There's more specifics I could get into, but I'll save it for later as needed (trying to eliminate as much of NGS as I can).
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Bo, I know there are lots of details you left out. But my initial assessment based on your OP is something I've considered in my own sitch. So here goes:
It sounds to me like your W has a fantasy of in her head of a single life free of responsibility to a H and two young kids. That fantasy is fueled by whatever your behaviors have been to "cause" her to be unhappy and angry with you. I quoted cause because she is giving you way too much power over her own happiness. One thing I've learned on this DB journey is NO ONE else is responsible for an individual's happiness except that individual. And that is where this whole things turns into bad news. It sounds like she is not happy with her own decisions in life, and is projecting that on you.
I say that is bad news because lots of wayward spouses want the single life, after having agreeing to marry and having kids. Lots of sitches here like that. They decide that the "normal" is not for them and they go out and become party girls, or girls gone wild, or sleep with other people because they want the single life again. Your W sounds like she is having pangs of that. But only in fantasy right now.
So what does this mean for Bo? Well first, you have to take microscope off of her. Look at your OP. Her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her. You even admit to doing LRT (which I think is WAY premature for your sitch by the way) half-heartedly.
So what should Bo be doing. GAL, like a madman. Make sure you have a life outside of H and father. Reconnect with old friends, meet new people. Take up new hobbies you've always wanted to try. Detach. Let her go to get her back. She has this fantasy of how much better her life would be without you? Show her what that life is like! Give her the time and space she asked for. REALLY give it to her. (Yes this means no sex and affection, at least for now. Trust me, you'll survive.) And make sure to 180 on any bad behavior. If you were a yeller before, remain calm and only use normal tones. If you were a pouter before, no more pouting. Become the man only a fool would leave!
As cadet says, be a great dad, but also have a life outside of that. There is nothing wrong with being a great dad 3-4 nights of the week and then being busy out of the house the other 3-4 days of the week. BALANCE.
Keep posting. We'll help where we can, but you got this Bo!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Keep posting Bo. You have a situation that many here would love to be in compared to there's. You have a chance to turn this around and you can. Good luck, I'll be following along.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes I have heard of PPD. I suggested a doc that was suggested by our kids’ new family practice—she mentioned to me that she already sees a therapist, which is true. I still maintain that if she was as angry / upset as she claims, she would be in front of that therapist more, but I also know that depression can put the blinders on you and 1.) prevent you from seeing the big picture of your own situation 2.) keep you from seeking out help (I know because I’ve done that in the past).
I know that hormones can rage before and after pregnancy, which makes me wonder how much of everything is the hormones.
I also know that I can’t solve her PPD, or really anything that is going on with her. I didn’t break her—I can’t fix her.
I’m also trying to be the best dad that I can be—especially soaking up time and attention / affection with the 2 month-old.
ovrrnbw: Thanks. I do realize that my situation may not be as dire as others’ out there, and for that I am grateful. But the talk of separation does rattle me—deep inside I expect the bomb to drop at some point. That said, after she brought up the notion of ‘separating for a bit,’ it hit me, and then I wasn’t afraid, strangely. Like, go ahead, do your worst, I’ll be fine, I still want these kids, I can do better, and for my flaws and faults, life with me isn’t THAT bad.
Steve—You are absolutely correct that at the end of the day, I’m not responsible for her happiness. I do believe that she is projecting a lot on to me, and I don’t deserve that from her. Next time she tells me how unhappy she is, I should just tell her ‘if you’re so unhappy or angry, why aren’t you in front of that therapist every week or two weeks to work this out?’
You and my IC are right—LRT right now is not the way to go.
But you’re also correct that I should GAL—that’s something I’ve been thinking about these last few weeks. Admittedly, it’s hard when I teach and have 2 small kids under 6.
I’ve been trying to give her the space that she says she wants (emotionally and physically), even though the lack of affection and sex is rough on me.
I’ve also been trying to work on anything ‘bad behaviors,’ or anything she claims I need to fix. But I also read on these forums that for a WW, it won’t really matter what you do, and that was apparent to me about a month ago—still not good enough in her eyes, allegedly. So I’ll fix what I reasonably can.
I have thought much about ‘being a man only a fool can leave,’ and want to do that. I also believe that she would have to a fool to leave now—I have a stable job, no real vices, good with kids (teacher), am capable of making and raising beautiful kids, am relatively young (35) and decent-looking. Life with me is so bad? I’m sure the pool of available men (especially in her line of work) is probably not that great, so take your chances. But don’t use me or yo-yo me emotionally.
Bo - I think you have the general idea and all I can say is my ex wife went through PPD and we had similar type problems that after about 6-12 months went away.
I thought all was good and my marriage continued for 28 years.
then menopause hit and now I am divorced.
So what I have learned is you are dealing with very powerful forces that are really beyond our control.
YES - have boundaries and work on yourself.
Sometimes you are a man only a fool would leave and they are fools.
