I’ll get back to detaching as best as I can, and I’ll do my best to give her time and space.
I don’t take it out on her emotionally—at least I don’t think I do. But yeah, I don’t trust her nearly as much.
I still get called ‘Daddy’ by her, but this is usually around the kiddos. Over the weekend, I did get a ‘baby’ from her, and it slipped out as natural as could be. I also know part of detaching is not getting too high over stuff like this.
Right now I just crave any sort of physical and / or emotional intimacy—last night I had a dream where I had a very long, deep hug from someone else, and it felt beautiful (I’m not involved with someone else physically or even close to emotionally, but I also know things in my subconscious mind process themselves through dreams).
I’ve also thought what you thought about the bank account—could be a possibility. Also been checking our joint account, and haven’t seen anything else yet. IC brought up possibility that it could be nothing—she opens up an account to innocently pay for other things from that account.
W is home every night—and it’s unlikely she is sneaking around with guy during the day. She is out on maternity leave and is home with YS for up until Christmas. Also, this guy works further away (we’re in SoCal, he works in IE, we are near the coast—so it would be a hike even on a good day). I guess I’m more concerned about EA, possibility of her looking at this guy as an option.
I can update my signature going forward, and I appreciate the prayers.
Since I don’t need to do LRT, what exactly should I be doing, then? IC says what I describe sounds like LRT, and then I get advice here. Ugh so confused. Thanks all!
Okay...will try to GAL, 180 on whatever I reasonably can.
Also will try to healthily detach—I can go back to Cadet’s thread on detaching.
What I don’t want (and what IC mentioned) is to drive her away, and so far away, that there truly is no hope. I already feel pretty distant from her, but last night (up until the goodnight) was pretty good.
Bo, time for a new thread, when you hit 10 pages that's your trigger to start a new one. Use the same title and add "part 2". In your first post of the new thread put a link to this one, and in your last post here put a link to the new thread.
Originally Posted by Bo562
Just gotta get this out.....went to go say goodnight to W (and gave her kiss on arm—oops)
I think if we're all honest here we know darned well this was no accident. You've got to stop the pursuit behavior, even a small thing like a kiss on the arm is PURSUIT. One thing you have to wrap your head around is she does not want that from you right now in any way, shape or form. If you read Sandi's posts one thing she stresses is just how far gone the WW can be, even to the point of finding her H disgusting and repulsive. Physical contact with you may literally make her sick to her stomach. So STOP it.
Quote
As I was leaning towards her, in my peripheral vision, I saw her phone light up with a text notification....from a work colleague of hers I’ve had some issues with her being close with in the past.
Dude is texting her at 10:45 at night our time?
Again let's not dance around this, you didn't "accidentally" see this, you were just plain snooping. Again it's the little stuff like this that will continue to set you back to square one. DETACH. Like Cadet said, not one of us here (other than maybe you) is surprised by this. It is status quo for a WW.
Bo, which of the following would drive her away faster:
- The goodnight you gave her last night where you leaned in to kiss her arm. or - Just getting up, saying goodnight, and heading off to bed.
In a healthy, normal relationship, obviously the second would be behavior that would push a W away. However, once you are dealing with a WAW....now the above is flipped on its head. And what feels counter-intuitive actually is less driving away than what you normally should do.
Have you ever soured on a friend? Maybe you were close with someone but they did or said something that made you want to stay away from them from then on? And then they felt the distance so they started pushing themselves on you? Maybe calling and texting all the time? Maybe showing up to places they knew you'd be? Did their behavior fix the issue or did make you want to run for the hills even faster?!? More than likely it sent you into even more of an avoidance behavior.
However, in that same situation if the friend gave you time and distance, eventually you might forgive them for the thing they did or said, and you'd be open, as long as they weren't forcing themselves on you, to being friends again. That is the situation with your W. She wants time and space. Give it to her. GAL, 180ing, and loving detachment have a way of making WAWs become interested in again because there is no pressure. You are behaving in an unexpected way.
Read the distance and pursuit thread. All of us come here thinking DBing will drive a wedge between us and our WAS. When in truth the opposite is usually what occurs!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I always kinda wondered with her if it is one of those Shakespearean ‘thou doth protest too much’ things when she would talk about cheating and what we would / should do to each other.
Throughout our M, W and I would say things like that. "If you ever cheat, you're out." Or, "If I ever cheated, I would just leave, you wouldn't have to keep me." Stuff like that, can't remember. At the time it always felt like a sort of reassurance, like, "Isn't that crazy! Thank goodness that will never happen. ILY." Hindsight always provides a new way of looking at things. Does that kind of thing reflect some underlying fear or lack of commitment, or some aspect of their/our character that made A a more likely outcome? Food for thought. And yes, what I should have done back in April was to follow-through with that promise and let her leave like she said she would. Where would we be now? Who knows. But I definitely didn't "keep my promise" in that sense. I mean, neither did she keep the promise she made when we got married, so...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Please start a new thread. You have reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, please link this thread to the new one and vice versa. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mon: Got home late(r) after tire appointment. Took YS when I got home. No question from W, but a couple of references about how dinner / everything else is late because Daddy come home late.
Initiated very little in terms of conversation. Goodnight, but only kids get goodnight kiss and ILY.
Today? YS gets kiss goodbye and ILY. And then IC appt. this afternoon. We’ll see.
Hey bo, sorry to hear of your sitch.
Regarding her references, do you think she was attempting to be disrespectful in any shape or form? If so, did you talk to her about it? I can understand if you didn't want to say Anything in front of the kids.
I would have said something, not sure what but it would have been in the moment, maybe with her pulled to the side, because I feel like she gets to point out something that happens to many of us, minor set backs, NGS tendency to be late. Did you validate? Did you address any disrespect? Maybe she's making these comments to put you down or saying everything else afterwards is your fault while it's okay for her to do what she is doing. Did you feel any kind of way. Only saw this comment and from what I remembered don't you have D4? Was she present?
Maybe I'm overreaching , can we validate and also talk from a point of respect? Forgot how we navigate around guilt or admission which is saying imo it's back to me , pointing back to yourself , when we want to let them know we understand how they feel about it and then maybe say hey btw, next time I'd appreciate it if you don't make those quips in front of the children.
I know there's a better way of putting it or letting her know, would like ppls input on that.
I'm paying more attention to these dynamics to hopefully learn better ways to handle them.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
