Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Previous Thread

So next week is supposed to be our anniversary, and I'm feeling "okay" about it right now. But I don't really expect that feeling to stay as it gets closer.

I do have a good friend who bought me a new mattress and is having it sent here next week!! She obviously knows about all the things that have happened and works somewhere where she gets a good discount on them, so she surprised me with it... I couldn't believe it, it's an EXPENSIVE gift, and I don't know if she planned for it to be an anniversary "present" haha but so appropriate either way. I can't even put into words how much my friends have been doing for me, and I am totally that introvert friend that figured I hadn't kept up with my relationships enough for people to really invest in me at such a messy time, and I had been feeling guilty about that. If nothing else this experience has really given me amazing perspective on that.

Anyway, I have IC scheduled the day after my anniversary in case I end up having a wave of grief like I did at Thanksgiving. I so so so SO hope that doesn't happen but I mean, let's be real, of all the days to grieve I have to imagine that's going to be one of them.

I've been trying to decide if I should do something different on that day to stay busy/entertained/surrounded by other people, or just act like it's no different at all than any other day, working and just doing what I would otherwise. But I feel like the grieving HAS to come in somewhere because otherwise I feel like I'll just be ignoring the truth of the matter. Maybe I should just not try to plan it at all and whatever happens and however I feel is what it is?? I don't know, ugh. Maybe I can try to write something out to get my feelings offloaded BEFORE that day. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Let me start there.

Separately, I do have a question for you all. My stepson's birthday is also coming up in a few weeks. We haven't been in contact either since H moved out... but I have been thinking about him a lot. I just didn't feel like it would be appropriate for me to text him or anything if he didn't reach out first. I also didn't want him to think I'm just trying to keep in contact with him to somehow stay close to H, which is DEFINITELY not how I feel. I really do just want to know how he's doing. He's got a lot of activities he's involved in that I was really looking forward to now that he's older, and I HATE that I can't be present to experience any of that anymore, especially after how hard it was for me to adjust to being a stepmom after all these years. I felt like we were just about to get to a stage where we could build a deeper relationship.

So my question is whether it would be inappropriate or potentially bad for my sitch, I guess, if I were to send him a birthday card with a small gift? I feel at this point it would be obvious that there's no ulterior motive attached given I haven't been contacting him all the time you know? But I just really have no idea what would be best in this case. I also know he's a teenage boy at this point and probably really doesn't spend too much time thinking about me, even less so if he's anything like his dad emotionally (and based on how he appeared to handle it when they moved out, I would say he totally is).

It's really sad and yes, part of this for me is not wanting to lose that relationship, but I also feel like why do I have to stop caring for someone who did not have a hand in this choice (same with my in laws - I still want a relationship with them as long as they are okay with it!). Sure, if he were to let me know he isn't comfortable with it or interested in hearing from me, I would totally respect that. But I don't get that impression at all... I just get the impression that "it is what it is" and he just goes with the flow because that's apparently how his father is teaching him to handle life... "Yeah, we're just gonna move out of this brand new home to my dad's friends house where I don't have a room of my own and my dad doesn't have to pay the bills because he's suddenly 'not happy' "... because that makes sense. Good grief it just makes me sick to think how he is going to handle HIS future relationships...

But I digress - I really just want to know what you all think about my acknowledging his birthday and sending something or letting him know at least that I'm thinking of him and wish him a happy birthday?

ALSO, I almost forgot ... when it comes to SM, there's obviously a lot of people who still don't know yet what's going on. Some of them I imagine may try to wish us a happy anniversary online and I'm trying to determine what I should do. For example, I could turn off ability for people to comment on my wall for a while so that there's not these awkward moments of someone posting and then we don't respond...

OR I could take the approach of saying to hell with it...let people post if they want. I don't have to respond, or if I really wanted to I could respond privately, but in any case maybe it would be a good thing!! Because part of me also feels like me taking steps to prevent people from broaching the topic is still "protecting" him, in a way, from not having to face up to additional impacts of his decision (e.g. seeing key people in his life that I KNOW he considers to be very close friends/family wish us happy anniversary and him realizing others that he may let down besides ME if they were to know what's going on...)

On this one I'm back in the conundrum of not wanting to make him feel shame because I know that's not going to help the sitch, but also wanting him to be accountable for the sitch. If you were to ask ME what I feel like doing, without any consideration of him... I actually really don't know what I would prefer for my own sake. Maybe turning off the comments just so it's one less thing to deal with, since people can still text or call or whatever if they really wanted...Grr, once again I even hate that we have to think about crap like this.

[TJT]

P.S. Before I forget, I also wanted to share/point out that I never did get any other texts from H after he said he was starting the paperwork and stated he might need some info from me. It's just an "interesting" piece of data and I'm not following up with it or pushing anything. Seems typical and not really out of the ordinary, yet also makes me wonder what's going on in his head at this moment.

P.P.S. I have 100% been making the mistake of still looking at various SM profiles for OW. I saw some really dumb things on one of her accounts, memes that referenced being a wife and even completely hypocritical things like "18 reasons why fighting for marriage is worth it" ... ummm riiigghhhttt, you know your "boyfriend" is someone's H right?! Then ones about couples and how she will make her partner a priority, not an option (so of course I start telling myself that H is telling her I never paid attention to him).

But the "worst" one I saw the other day was something about when the love is so passionate and sweet and the sex is mindblowing (in a meme) but of course my mind went crazy, I felt all kinds of jealous and inadequate and oh my god is she so much better in bed than me, or does she make my H feel like he's some sex god that this is why he left me, blah blah blah...

Now before you give me a massive block to the head, I wanted to share this with you all to let you know that I told myself right then and there to STOP. I recognized what I was doing to myself and said I would NOT do it anymore. Yes I want clues as to what they're doing because I want to know if I should even have hope, and also I just feel entitled to it in a way, if I'm honest (in the sense of I deserve "to know" the story, if that makes sense) but whether I have hope or not has no bearing on what he is actually going to DO! And I am never going to know the full story of what they're doing together, even if I get hints.

Maybe those memes aren't even about my H...or maybe they are but maybe they also still fight...maybe in a year their spark will be gone and she'll be sick of him or he'll be sick of her or whatever... the point is not that I am thinking of those possibilities, but that I will never know what the stuff being posted NOW means - and it does NOT matter - and the anxiety it's giving me is NOT worth it! I woke up the next day panicky like I remember feeling when this all first happened, and as soon as my mind turned on I said in my head very intentionally again, STOP. Redirect. And it did help get me through.

Not gonna lie that the past few days since then I have 500% wanted to check. Really bad. But I've gone a few days not doing it and I'm really going to try not to give in. I can't say that I fully believe I will NEVER check it again, but I need to at least give myself boundaries and try to get a plan to wean myself off of obsessing over it. Unfortunately OCD and rumination and all those similar things run in my family so it is super hard...but I'm willing to put energy into trying to manage that vs. having to manage panic attacks because I'm dreaming up all of my worst fears!

Okay just had to share that... if you're reading this post and didn't read the one before it where I had some actual real questions I need input on, please do that because I already know I shouldn't have done what I just confessed to on this one

[DejaVu6]

TJT... I have a stepdaughter and I just sent her a gift. I have been in her life since she was seven years old and she just turned 19. She has never lived with us but she told me her biggest worry about my H leaving was that it would damage the relationship she has with me. I think it is completely appropriate to send your SS a small gift and a card. He is not his dad. He might be wondering about you too but hasn’t contacted you because of the awkwardness of it. If he doesn’t respond or responds negatively, then whatever. More likely, however, he will be happy you remembered him and that you still care.

Good for you on using the STOP technique. The OW thing isn’t something I’ve had to deal with in my sitch. There might be one but I haven’t gone out of my way to find out. It wouldn’t change the fact that my H has moved out so I don’t need to know right now. It would be just adding more pain to an already pain-filled situation. Do your best to stop your wandering mind. The fact that she would be posting that stuff when she is seeing a married man tells me that she is an affair down. I would also recommend staying off social media until you are feeling a little more detached. I avoid it like the plague. (((TJT)))

[TJT]

Thanks Deja, I just bought a card today and plan to send it with a little cash. I feel good about it and I didn't write anything over the top in the card. I didn't want to do anything that his dad would read and somehow think I wrote it just for him to see, because again, I'm totally not doing it for that reason.

I have to thank you for using the term "affair down". I had never heard it before so I searched for it and learned some things that made a lot of sense in my sitch (not that it helps with the hurt!) One particular point that stood out to me was that often partners affair down because they are just looking for that 20% of what they feel is missing in the current relationship. 80% of their needs could be met but because the AP gives them that 20%, the illogically start to think that person is all they need to be truly happy.

The other reasoning was that OUR partner may actually be on the same "level" as the AP, as a person, and we just never realized it because our love is blind.

Sadly, as a sidebar here, I have been thinking both of these are factors in my sitch, with the latter being one that I really struggle with because I've always known me and H come from different walks of life and so on, but we had a lot in common too that I never thought it would be a problem. It really hurts me to think that maybe he thought someone else is more his "type" at this point in our relationship, like he was just "settling" with me, especially given that I didn't feel like he really gave me the opportunity to express or explore other things that maybe he would have liked more.

One prime example is hunting and camping... he seemed to make comments when stuff was starting to get bad between us (read: likely as he was getting more involved with OW) that I wouldn't like to go hunting or camping because I would complain too much about the weather or bugs or whatnot. I told him I might not LOVE it but I would totally go and show him that I can handle it and that it would be cool to do together. He never took me up on the opportunity and now (again a result of the SM trap from before) I've seen this girl has family that has a deer lease and pictures with hunting rifles, etc.

And so of course, even though I know I'm amazing and open to new experiences and I'd love to be more outdoorsy as a hobby with H, I know he's telling himself a different narrative that sounds more like this girl being his dream girl and someone he can "authentically" relate to while I've just become like...the "stuffy" wife (which is another perspective I REALLY appreciated when reading about affair downs... that for APs, the married partner they are cheating with is an "easy" target because as compared to other single people, they are only competing with ONE other person - the current W or H - which is a testament to their own self esteem and, obviously, integrity).

Of course a good W/H wouldn't ever engage with someone like that and would be mature enough to know the 20% they are missing now is going to be replaced by 20% of something else missing (or MORE, since they affaired down after all) with their new partner.

I know HIS story/excuse is not my fault, and whatever he dreams up about me not "letting" him do things or not being interested in the same things he is is false, especially given that H himself RARELY, if ever, went hunting or camping the entire time we've been together... it's just so frustrating that someone could be so happy with you at one point and then let stuff creep into their minds that totally negates ALL of that.

Anyway, I guess that was my cathartic rant for the day, hah. In general today was a good day of GALing, actually. Nothing crazy but I did it. I still hate being along every time I GAL and there are still plenty of things that make me think of H and wanting to share something with him. But I think it's getting better and I try to just let the thoughts pass by.

Oh, one more side thing in my life - my boss is going to give her resignation this week I think, and I'm not thrilled about what will be left of our team after that. I'm totally happy for her and those of us left are actively looking, but given my current relationship sitch it's just one more thing I don't need to be rearranged right now so I am a little nervous about it... either finding a new job I like after years of being in this one, or staying in my current job and maybe not getting the support (advancement, pay, etc.) that she gave me because of the politics going on right now. Ugh, just let me get out of one hole first please!!

[burned]

The other reasoning was that OUR partner may actually be on the same "level" as the AP, as a person, and we just never realized it because our love is blind.

...

(which is another perspective I REALLY appreciated when reading about affair downs... that for APs, the married partner they are cheating with is an "easy" target because as compared to other single people, they are only competing with ONE other person - the current W or H - which is a testament to their own self esteem and, obviously, integrity).

I was just thinking about the “affair down” concept before you wrote this, and particularly in the context of OM having his own W. I mean, if my W affaired down to him, then by the same logic, he affaired down to my W. Which means that I have to resolve that cognitive dissonance with one of two options:
1. my W isn’t so great (love is blind), or
2. OM’s W must be impressive, if my W is “down” relative to her (I mean, she did have the balls to email my W when she found out, so she’s not a complete chump, at least)

But enough of that. Do you know why we are the ones who aren’t in an affair? Because nobody can “affair down” to us. We are already awesome.

[TJT]

Sorry I've been so long before replying. I read your response burned right away and it was great to read but I just didn't get around to logging in and responding!

Anyway, I think you've pointed out an important aspect of relativity in all of this. It's the same reason I get so frustrated when people tell me I could do better. Because, like, sure, maybe on certain things I could find someone better than my H was, but then that person may be worse on other things. I guess you could argue that as a whole "package" some people net out to be "better" than others, but ultimately it's up to each individual person to determine what's better and what's worse.

But whatever, it's stupid to have to even be thinking about it, like you said. I never thought of it in reverse but you're right... we are the ones who were committed and loyal to our spouse and that's why we're not in affairs. AND I have to think that ultimately the people who cheated on other people with each other will have trust issues and realize that their version of "better" at the time was severely flawed because now they can't count on that person!

Moving on, today is our anniversary. It was basically a normal day for me, and I can't decide how I feel about that. I mean, I'm glad I wasn't a wreck, but it's one of those sad things where it's like, man, does this day really not mean anything anymore? For sure I had tried to prep myself all week for this day, and I did cry a little bit yesterday thinking about it and knowing there wasn't much to look forward to, but all in all it wasn't anything major.

I thought about writing him many times, even trying to justify in my head why it would matter even if writing him is a bad idea, if at this point I believe he's not going to change his mind. But the urge wasn't that strong, it was more of a longing, and I think it didn't upset me AS much because in a way I did feel separated from the "feeling". Not that I didn't feel disappointed and sad...but I guess it was more of an acceptance that this is how it is. Which seems weird to say because I totally don't feel like I've actually accepted the whole situation but... I don't know, I need to process more I think.

I did wonder if anyone was going to reach out to me today though. Maybe his parents...or at least the pastor/his friend who married us who I initially reached out to after BD (especially since I haven't updated him on how that all panned out). But nobody did, and partially I'm glad that I didn't have that "distraction" but I'd be lying if I didn't say it also disappointed me. I think it's because I feel like nobody else is really supporting or fighting for us to stay together maybe? I feel like wow, it's just so easy for everyone to forget this was a thing or at least not be concerned about the status of it.

I told a childhood friend of mine who lives in another state for the first time earlier this week about everything that was going on. She did send me some chocolate covered fruit today saying she was thinking of me, which was a very considerate gesture. ALSO, speaking of gifts, another friend of mine bought me a new mattress... a freaking expensive, king size mattress, that we had talked about me buying but then I told her I was budgeting more and needed to wait, blah blah... and then she just ordered it for me. It's probably the most expensive gift I've ever gotten but I'm just amazed at how dedicated some of my friends are to helping me "refresh". I have to say that without them this whole thing would be much harder.

I also booked a trip to Mexico with the same friend for her birthday coming up. I was really anxious the first night after I bought the ticket. It was like when H first moved out and I was panicky just going to the grocery store... I just had this feeling of vulnerability or uncertainty or even fear, like I didn't want to leave home (even though I've left home once already since he's been gone and I was fine). I can't even really put my finger on the feeling or why I felt that way, except maybe that it was acknowledging another element of "loss" in terms of going on a vacation that my H wouldn't be a part of or that I would even be able to tell him about. But after a day or two that went away and I am looking forward to it more than not at this point.

Now I am thinking of the new swimsuits I can buy and toning up a little more so I can look amazing, knowing that my friend is going to be posting stuff on social media so I don't even have to worry about being the one looking like I'm flaunting stuff around, it will be very passive on my part which I feel like is better. At the same time I'm trying not to have any expectations in my head of whether H will see it or what he will think, and I'm doing decent at that. It crosses my mind but I also do feel a little empowered by it. Trying to focus on those feelings more than the others.

Speaking of SM I just want to report that I have done pretty well with my vow now to look at his or OW's SM. I think it's been maybe a week almost? Aside from things I can see on our shared calendar still, which isn't much. This is probably THE hardest thing for me to do at this point because I SO want to know things and figure out what's going on or potentially get line of sight to if/when things start going badly for H and OW... but I have resisted, and I do think it's helped. I may think about checking it a lot, but the way I see it it's better to be thinking about checking it and not do it than to check it and then be thinking about 5 million other things that get triggered by something I see that will impact my emotions much worse.

As far as the calendar goes I did see a Christmas party for his work and admit that I wondered about whether he would be taking OW, and IF he does what other people think of them together and therefore how that might impact his ego (clearly my hope is that other people will be judgy - specifically people whose opinions he still cares about or who he has a stake in keeping up appearances - and then make him rethink the whole thing). But trust me, I know that's partly just the fantasy I have in my head and trying to make my own vision of how I would react manifest itself...

Aside from all this, my general day to day state seems good and I am more and more getting these, like, flashes of thoughts of my long-term life without him and that being "normal". They happen very, very quickly (kind of when I'm doing something mundane like refilling the coffee pot) and it's a feeling of being at peace with it, but then I always detest in my own mind the thought of being alone. It's like I've said before, I know I'll be okay being alone, but I don't WANT to be. So I'm glad I'm not feeling as upset about it I guess but I still fear that I will forever be longing for something that will never get filled again.

I think that's "all" I have to update. I have IC tomorrow since I anticipated I might have a bad day today, and who knows, even though today is good, maybe I'll get a delayed reaction once today is fully over and I realize it came and went without event. But even if it's a good day tomorrow too, I'll just plan to share some of these good progressions and some of the stuff I've just shared that I'm still struggling to accept. Can't be a bad thing either way I suppose.

[SteveLW]

TJT, good update. Keep your chin up and keep on DBing. Enjoy your trip. And especially good work on avoiding SM. SM is a big problem for a lot of LBSs. I wish more were willing to just avoid SM all together.

[TJT]

Thanks Steve. I've almost had some breakdowns thinking "I'll check just once this week!" but I've done well asking myself a bunch of questions that then help me refrain knowing there's no real point.

The past few days since our anniversary I've really been missing him. Not within the whole context of "I wish this wasn't happening" but the pure feeling of just longing for him. Missing having him there when I come, missing being able to text him, missing the things we would normally do together.

Ultimately I am really frustrated that even though I am doing okay on the day-to-day, I still don't seem to feel any differently about wanting him back. I haven't gotten any further down a path of "F this guy! There's someone better for me!" I'm still very much in the space of appreciating the things that were good about him and believing we could work through whatever issues there are, both for us as individuals and together.

I have also realized the past couple days that I think I really DO blame myself for this whole thing, if I'm honest. I mean, logically I know the "reaction" doesn't seem fair/equitable to the issues, and that there are things where I could only do so much (and did those things) but at the end of the day I keep boiling it down to: he left me = I did something wrong enough where he felt justified to leave (vs. me doing something wrong that someone was willing to accept or forgive me for or love me despite it all).

It's very hard to reconcile taking ownership of "my part" in the separation while people are also telling you you didn't deserve the reaction. And then it's equally hard to think of not deserving the reaction without thinking of oneself as a victim. What else does it make me if someone deeply hurt me when I didn't deserve it?

I feel both are important points but they are often part of the same sentence when they shouldn't be. In my opinion, everyone should have an eye toward improving themselves in every aspect of their life, as long as they live, regardless of whether the issue is with a romantic relationship, work relationship, friendship, etc. It seems like a moot point if we also acknowledge that despite those efforts, it may still not work out (meaning those downfalls may not have really been the REAL reason). So I am getting fatigued hearing those two together, and I feel there's an understated tone from some people that maybe we DID do something to "deserve" it so you better get to working on it! It's really been bothering me, especially as I think about all the other people in H's life that I know and what they must think of me, not because of things he may have told them but just things they must be wondering in their own heads because of the fact that he's left me! Given that it doesn't seem like anyone is checking on me, surely they must believe I'm the terrible wife...

My true belief is that yes, I was not a perfect wife, and there were things I'm certain my husband needed from me that he wasn't getting. But I do NOT believe those things, or even the length of time they started to become real issues, is something I would have expected to divorce over. I know I can't tell someone else how they should feel, but this is honestly a situation where I have a degree of confidence that if my H is divorcing me for the reasons he says he is, he is not going to be able to handle most relationships long-term. And trust me, I don't take solace in that or trying to make myself sound "better" than... it truly frustrates me that someone could make themselves out to be committed only to discover they actually have huge issues in being able to do the work that commitment requires. It's the biggest hurt to feel that someone didn't think you were worth fighting for or with.

So that's how I've been feeling the past few days. Not depressed or distraught or anything, but more distressed. Continuing to wrestle with the "why" and feeling like I will never be able to accept it, because regardless of the "reasons" or faults, my ultimate belief is that it COULD work and someone is simply choosing NOT to make it work. Therefore I must be terrible in some way.

I know people will say I should feel more confident and look for someone who will recognize my value and not de-value myself in this process, but I've never felt like I don't value myself. I guess I just feel like IF someone else doesn't see my value, I want to prove to them the value I have. I want to have the opportunity to right my wrongs because even if you get better for the future, it simply doesn't make sense to me that old things have to fall apart first. In some cases sure, I get that sometimes major changes have to happen in order for growth to occur. I do not feel like growth (of the relationship as a whole) could not have occurred (or still couldn't occur) in this case if the choice was made to work on it together.

No matter what my future relationships look like, I think I will always look back on what's happened here, assuming it never does ever reconcile, and feel it was a waste. I don't know how I can spin that into a positive like we are all told to do. I don't know how I can look at and simply appreciate the good parts, knowing that the whole thing was toppled down like a Jenga game. I'm sure the magic answer, as usual, is "time", but that just angers me even more how people preach that we only have so much time on this earth, yet so many people do things to waste it... Maybe the way my brain works is that I need to spend at least X amount of time committed and hoping for something to come back because of the potential long-term accumulation of value that would provide (vs. just calling it a loss and losing it all), at least until I have wasted almost as much time without result that it then becomes more sensible to start over. Maybe then I will be able to let it go.

[Yail]

My true belief is that yes, I was not a perfect wife, and there were things I'm certain my husband needed from me that he wasn't getting. But I do NOT believe those things, or even the length of time they started to become real issues, is something I would have expected to divorce over. I know I can't tell someone else how they should feel, but this is honestly a situation where I have a degree of confidence that if my H is divorcing me for the reasons he says he is, he is not going to be able to handle most relationships long-term. And trust me, I don't take solace in that or trying to make myself sound "better" than... it truly frustrates me that someone could make themselves out to be committed only to discover they actually have huge issues in being able to do the work that commitment requires. It's the biggest hurt to feel that someone didn't think you were worth fighting for or with.

I've been having nearly these exact thoughts lately. I was re-reading your first posting and think I need to re-read your sitch. You and I seem to have a similar outlook. You seem to have solid confidence in yourself and you are aware of your FAIR share of any M problems there might have been - no more or no less than what is fair. Because your H had his fair share too. But you are also aware that if you were in his shoes you wouldn't be leaving. There's something else he's working through, and that's in the way of your M.

This morning I was re-reading the Odds and Ends of MLC link and it help me put into place some thoughts as to maybe what our spouses are thinking. I don't know if it will help you, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like I can only be responsible for myself, and I must leave my W to go through her process in her own way and in her own time.

[TJT]

Wow, thanks for pointing me back to that thread Yail! You're right that I'm now more convinced that my sitch is characteristic of MLC. There were even a few very exact things - like my H not telling anyone about anything and literally, word for word, agreeing to let me have our dog because he said he thought I needed her more! I almost fell on the floor when I read that part of that thread.

I've realized a lot of my H is doing is something he has to do, and in his own time, for sure. I even mentioned to him that regardless of what happens to us, I was concerned about some of his behaviors and how he was dealing with thing and he should still try to talk to someone. He just told me he'll deal with it later (similar thing when I said it doesn't make sense for us to work on the things that could help the marriage without staying married...he just said "well we can work on it with other people now" - also remembered as one of the more hurtful things he said where I felt like he was an alien).

What's been helping me lately is the stupid element of hope that I feel MLC gives... that maybe one day he will snap out of it. I am going to read up more on how to best respond to MLCers so I'm more prepared if/when things change. I'm just trying not to think of things as so finite. As much as it seems impossible right now, there's no law saying in a year or two or five or whatever that things won't be different (of course dependent on whether it's still what I want, and of course right now I think it's what I'll want forever, but I will acknowledge for my own sanity that I'm sure even I have to have a breaking point).

Maybe it's too optimistic, but I think I've got enough of the "just deal with it" mentality to balance this out, and if it helps me to not be an anxious wreck each day, I'll take it until it doesn't serve me anymore!