Like many other LBSs, I never thought I would be on a website like this.
I was married to my wife earlier last year. We had a rough first year of marriage. I know sometimes the first year is hard, but it was even more so for us as I had two major neck surgeries within the first 7 months of our marriage. The second one caused me to fall into a deep depression for about 2.5 months. We had what I would call normal marriage issues with learning how to communicate, fighting fair, splitting household chores, etc. With my neck issues and depression, I wasn’t able to help out as much as I would normally have, but my wife comes from a family where you don’t share your emotions, and where conflict is always to be avoided. I came from a family where if you aren’t happy with something you share it. I knew this would be a challenge in our marriage, but I stressed to my wife that she never hold anything in.
We didn’t really have any major arguments in our first year, though I would get on her about her spending, as we had a budget set up, but she would continuously blow money when I was focused on saving for a home purchase later in the year. I will admit, I was probably too much of a saver, but when I communicated my unhappiness with spending, she would stonewall me and not ever talk about. I never yelled or cussed at her, but I probably could have shown a little compassion. It just got old after months and months of having the same conversation, especially when I later found out she opened up a credit card without telling me, and one of the later months spent almost $3,000 on the card she shouldn’t have had. Frustrating things, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed through good teamwork.
Another area of conflict we had was I felt that she never truly put me first. Her mother came down for a week or two to visit us about a month after we got married (her family lives out of state). I thought it too soon and that we needed time alone, but I didn’t have a choice as when I told her I would at least like her to run it by me so we can be on the same page, but this never happened. The in-laws would come every couple of months and stay with us for 1-2 weeks. I love the my in-laws, but my biggest issue was that I was never given a say in the matter. If I brought something up, it was “my family lives out of state and they should be able to come any time they want”. I just wanted to be part of the decision and I felt more and more like I was second fiddle to my in-laws.
Fast forward to late December 2017, and I was beginning to come out of my depression thanks to medication. We had a family event in town, and afterwards, my sister mentioned that something was up with my wife. She was being extremely distant and not herself. I had a conversation with my wife about it the next day, and she admitted to distancing herself from me. I was oblivious due to my struggles with overcoming my depression, but she mentioned that she wasn’t happy. She felt neglected, felt she was doing all of the household work, and felt like I wasn’t affirming her through words of affirmation. All of this was not intentional on my part, but was true. I was struggling with my health and depression that I hardly had enough energy to focus on work. I had fallen into a victim mindset, and rather than communicating to her that it wasn’t about her, I tried to be strong. I vowed to do better. The next month I thought things were going well. I was almost out of my depression, I was loving on her daily, helping out with errands, going on more dates and overall showing her she was my everything. I started looking for marriage counselors, but every one that I suggested was shot down for some reason or another. As you can probably tell, too little, too late.
I was on a sales trip for a couple of days, and everything seemed to be fine. I even joked and talked with my wife via text and on the phone on the way home from the airport. Pulled up to our home, open the garage and her car isn’t there. She walks out and hands me a 3 page letter and says she is moving back home. Her parents then pull up in her car and drive her off on their way back to their home about 1500 miles away. In the letter she accused me of being selfish, emotionally and verbally abusing her, etc. I will admit, I was selfish and wasn’t putting her needs first, but I feel like this is something that all newlyweds learn to deal with. I don’t think I was any more selfish than she was. It’s been 6 months since our separation. I originally pleaded and begged her to come back, but that was only the day she left. She said she needed time and space, so I wanted to respect that. I still made mistakes by reaching out every two weeks asking to talk about us and our marriage, which I shouldn’t have done. 3.5 months into the separation she sent me paperwork for a simplified divorce. If signed it would have been a clean break, but I wanted to stand for our marriage so I eventually told her I wasn’t going to sign it, and I wanted to try counseling. She agreed hesitantly, so I flew up to the state she was in and had counseling over a couple of days. Great progress was made, but she couldn’t make a decision on coming back to the marriage yet. A month went by (about a month ago) and she texted me saying there is nothing that would make her comeback to the marriage due to not enough happy memories…
Sorry for being longwinded, but I feel my sitch is a little bit different as there is plenty of evidence to suggest her father is meddling in our marriage. He has been in her ear for months apparently trying to plot out a way to get her back home. He has a horrible marriage of his own, and many friends of mine think with getting my wife back home to live with him and her mother would take pressure off as my wife and her mother are extremely close. He also told me a couple of months after BD that prior to our marriage, he told my wife that if she ever had kids with me and got divorced, she wouldn’t be able to come back home to live with her parents. I should note that her entire family now lives within a couple of acres of where her mom and dad live (sister, her husband and their 3 kids). I also think that my wife being so conflict avoidant is another contributing factor to all of this. I asked her in counseling if she ever thought she communicated her needs or unhappiness with the marriage to me prior to the convo in December, but she said no because she was afraid of how I would react.
I guess right now I am just looking for some advice. I read DR and DB, and have worked on a 180, GAL and to be honest the LRT. It’s hard since there is no communication with my wife and she is over 1500 miles away living at home in a different state. I don’t suspect an affair, and friends and family agree as she is such a timid person. I just don’t know what to do given the dynamics of distance and a meddling father in law. Do you think I should just wait on hearing from her rather than reaching out? My gut says yes, but as it’s been 6 months already, I have been a wreck though I am starting to do better.
Really appreciate any advice that can be offered, and if you need more info for clarity, I would be happy to provide it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
FFHubby, welcome to the board and the same time, sorry you are here. However, you will get a lot of great advice on this board.
I want to start with a question, because a lot of newbies make this mistake. You keep talking about your sitch being "unique". Why? Is it so that you can say that you shouldn't stick to the script of detaching, GAL, 180ing and LRT? Because your sitch is more similar than dissimilar.
Here is the thing you need to wake up to: your W has a OM. Oh it may not be another lover, but a meddling father, trying to convince his daughter to leave her husband IS an OM. No matter what his reasons. Now obviously if your marriage was stronger, that influence may not have had an effect. You have no way of knowing that for sure.
As far as her letter. Yep, typical WAW script. Take your conversations about spending and turn it into "verbally abusive". You're selfish because you wanted to save money. You were emotionally abusive because you were depressed and withdrawn. And you didn't put her needs first, which isn't even always the right thing to do anyway!
So you see, your WAW sitch is TEXTBOOK. And therefore needs to be dealt with in a textbook way. You need to heed everything Cadet sent you. Detach. I also believe LRT is the right approach in your sitch. DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT. The longer you go without initiating contact the more curious she will get and she will eventually reach out. I would make her do ALL of the work for the D. Don't do anything for her. If she says "I need a copy of the marriage license for the D." Your answer? "Sorry, I am too busy to help you with that." No matter what the request, you are too busy, don't have time. Etc. She will inquire, why are you so busy? Don't answer. Let her mind wonder.
Most importantly, GAL. SO that you ARE busy. So that you ARE occupied. You mentioned being a wreck. That tells me your GAL could use some serious work. Likely you will not be successful, whether she comes back or not, without GAL. GAL is the key to detaching. It is nearly to impossible to move on otherwise.
FFHubby, you got this. You are a strong, secure, confident dude. Your life is going to be just fine with or without her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One other point. Everyone that posts here has an unique sitch in the DETAILS of the sitch. But we are all still dealing with a WAS, and what we should all be doing is essentially the same. With maybe a few slight tweaks. But no one's sitch is so unique that they should throw out all of the principles espoused in DB/DR (except in the case of physical abuse).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Regarding my sitch being unique, it was more due to the fact that I hadn't seen any other posters with a situation where the FIL was meddling in the marriage. I have fully bought into detaching, 180, etc. It was so uncomfortable for the first two weeks, but I have made some solid progress. Only sent 1 text to her over the last two months. I love the way that you talk about my FIL being the OM. Great perspective on that.
Part of me thinks with my depression that I became a passive husband. I am a nice guy, but really don't think I have NGS. I didn't put my wife on a pedestal, but that might have been a problem due to her emotional immaturity. It's funny how all of these stories are the same. My wife was the kindest soul to everyone before all of this, but really she has a hard time saying no, and is severely impacted by other people's moods, actions, etc. I have had two counselors mention that she is no doubt codependent. At first I felt a lot of guilt that I created this current selfish person, but that's not on me. She was probably always that selfish and I accidentally cracked the door open so to speak.
The good news is I have finally stopped blaming myself. I contributed to our marriage breakdown, but I didn't cause her to leave. You are 100% right. I go through good weeks and bad weeks with GAL. I'm still going though some health issues with my neck, so I can't workout like I normally do, but that's a lame excuse. There are other things I cans start doing more of. I'll come up with a solid game plan. I will admit, I am in a much better place than where I was prior to reading DB & DR and implementing the strategies. Honestly, I do miss my wife and want her back in my life, but I know I will be fine regardless. It's just hard seeing my family suffer with this situation as well. My W has completely removed everyone from her life, including my SIL who was extremely close to her. Her family has also dropped me. No doubt my wife turned them against me. That's what eventually happens I guess when a spouse complains to her family rather than her husband. Eventually they can only take so much of seeing the unhappiness then they start the escape plan.
Finally getting some more fun things on the books for this week. Having dinner with some friends and walking the lake afterwards tonight.
Trying to keep certain opinions of friends out of my head. Most of them are supportive and want me to stand for our marriage and be in it for the longhaul, but some see this as an opportunity to move on. They just want me happy so I can't blame them.
Question regarding where I'm at currently with regards to communication with my W. She texted me a month ago saying nothing is going to change her mind to come back due to not having enough good memories in the marriage. I responded a couple of days later essentially saying I didn't have much to say at the moment, that I needed some time and I would be in touch. Probably shouldn't have even responded, but given that I did, is there any harm in remaining no contact even though I said I would be in touch? Don't think I owe her anything right now, but I don't want to cause any more damage. Assuming the answer is probably don't do anything as that is probably the opposite of what I would normally do.
Also, any fellow DBs initially struggle with the self-blame, and your mind wandering to something along the lines of your WAW/WW being right? W is making me feel like I'm the crazy person, and there are times I wonder if it is my fault. Obviously as Steve mentioned, my main priority at this point needs to be GAL, which is what I am doing.
Sorry for being longwinded, but I feel my sitch is a little bit different as there is plenty of evidence to suggest her father is meddling in our marriage. He has been in her ear for months apparently trying to plot out a way to get her back home.
We call him an "enabler" and there is ALWAYS at least one and usually more enablers whispering in the WAS's ear. That is not at all unusual. The thing that really strikes me about your sitch as being "unusual" is that you were only married a year at BD. Most LBS's here have been married 10+ years. You were really technically still "newlyweds" when she left and that is strange indeed. Yours isn't the only case I've seen, but I can only remember a couple of others in my years here and they seemed to be caused by the wife getting married for all the wrong reasons. Like she was in love with a fantasy of being married rather than with the man himself. So at the first sign of problems (illness, death in the family, money troubles) they drop everything and run.
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I guess right now I am just looking for some advice. I read DR and DB, and have worked on a 180, GAL and to be honest the LRT. It’s hard since there is no communication with my wife and she is over 1500 miles away living at home in a different state. I don’t suspect an affair, and friends and family agree as she is such a timid person. I just don’t know what to do given the dynamics of distance and a meddling father in law. Do you think I should just wait on hearing from her rather than reaching out? My gut says yes, but as it’s been 6 months already, I have been a wreck though I am starting to do better.
Don't reach out, it'll only drive her farther away. Physical separation is actually a blessing in disguise because it helps the WAS begin to realize they are wrestling not with the LBS, but with internal demons. Once the LBS is removed from the equation then the WAS can no longer blame them for their unhappiness and has to face reality.
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Question regarding where I'm at currently with regards to communication with my W. She texted me a month ago saying nothing is going to change her mind to come back due to not having enough good memories in the marriage. I responded a couple of days later essentially saying I didn't have much to say at the moment, that I needed some time and I would be in touch. Probably shouldn't have even responded, but given that I did, is there any harm in remaining no contact even though I said I would be in touch?
I think in your case any contact would be harmful. If she reaches out to you then it's fine to respond, but don't initiate contact. Like Steve said, she's not sitting by her phone waiting for you to respond to her comment that the M is over, so just let it go.
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Also, any fellow DBs initially struggle with the self-blame, and your mind wandering to something along the lines of your WAW/WW being right? W is making me feel like I'm the crazy person, and there are times I wonder if it is my fault.
Of course, we all went through it or are going through it. What you have to do is get past blaming yourself and try to take this approach- "I did things wrong, now I need to figure out what those things were so I can do better in the future whether it's with W or someone else." None of us is perfect. All we can do is try to keep bettering ourselves as we push forward.
Thanks, Steve. Assumed this would be the best course of action.
Also, I love your sig about God. I was saved at 13, but marriage (especially a potentially failed marriage) brings you to your knees and makes you realize Jesus was not at the front and center. The best part about my sitch is I am finally leaning on God, trusting Him and making him my ultimate priority. For that I am extremely grateful.
You are completely right. The length of our marriage prior to BD is unique. My wife is 6 years younger than me. We are both millenials, but I consider myself really outside of that generation. She was always on social media, which no doubt played into her mindset of thinking our marriage was completely broken. She always seemed to be comparing us to others without saying so. I know she is emotionally immature. Her prior relationship before me tells me that (unfortunately didn't find out until after she left from some mutual friends that went to college with her). Her relationship was really strange as her and her BF didn'd communicate. There is no doubt in my mind that she probably liked the idea of marriage, but the hard work wasn't something she was ready for.
I do hope our phyiscal separation will allow her to work on her own issues. Only issue is her family has bought into her being the victim in all of this, LOL! I can't be the one to force her to look in the mirror. But if I escape her cross hairs, eventually there will have to be some self reflection. I have grown so much myself with all of this, and have probably accepted too much blame.
Really appreciate your response. I have followed you and Steve in other people's sitchs, and you have been spot on.
