I hope this will be my last long post for a while. As I go NC and focus on me and D4 I may chime in with what to respond, or this is what Im doing but I am going to focus on what you have all said. I know it mentally just emotionally I need to man the F up / get my balls back etc.
Sandi- Tightening emotional rope- you're right. As usual. Do I know how to say no? Ehh not really, NGS but I am going to force myself to. This is huge. I am going to make sure I say no to her as often as possible when necessary. This is a big thing in our relationship going back to marriage. She always says I am controlling but I think that is her being manipulative / projecting.
Steve- You're right. I've been soft. Her sex appeal and my attachment continues to snap me back.
Ginger- Maybe that is why she asked - so she can try to find a plan A if I am plan B before then... I dont know. I do know that I am a leader in everything I do but this R. And I am unhappy in this R. So I am taking the lead. I suppose that all I can control is if I respond or not. So I will be as short as possible- she says D4's stuff is here I say K, thats it - this will surely seem inconsistent to her but whatever.
During our convo I mentioned in Feb discussing support. I am going to cut substantial amount of support in Feb. Realistically she needs time to start her business and will be losing money for a while. Legally attorney said I would pay at least 1 year if not 1.5 years based on 5 year marraiage, Dec was 6 months.
If we ever get back together Im going to get a prenup... she acts entitled and this holds her back. Shes selfish, inconsistent. None of this is attractive unless I am unhealthy with a fixer / white knight syndrome mindset (aha key there - get healthy). Realistically in every other aspect of my life I am very healthy. Except my attachment to her... so DETACH. Right? On it... keep advice coming on how to DETACH. Codependent relationship is extremely unhealthy.
Completely agree with all of Gingers post below. That's what I am going to do as you stated words mean nothing actions speak. I've been telling myself I will not respond to her.
IC said if her words and actions don't line up there's nothing you can do. I float between anger- F her, disappointment / sadness / missing things and trying not to care / detach. Will discuss detachment with IC today as well as support.
GAL - lacrosse tournament in Vegas 1/24 booking flight. Getting outdoors more. Need more GAL. Think Im really going to focus on my energy, meditating on my future, visualizing what I want.
Been alone for a long time physically... casual hook up a bad idea Im sure. Maybe I'll live like a monk for a while lol.
Detaching. NC. She can miss me or not. She can be selfish pass or fail her test my commitment is coming to an end...
Ginger (so I can remember / look over)- I have to say your dynamic/relationship is super unhealthy.
She wants to be selfish, great, let her go be. Because she is being horribly selfish right now. And it’s cruel. And you are so codependent, you just follow her lead and what she does dictates your moves and emotions.
You don’t have to reaestablish verbal boundaries. You broke your own boundaries with actions, by engaging with her. Words are useless. Show with actions .
Let her send whatever she does, you ignore it unless it has to do with the safety and well being of your daughter.
She wants to come at you with relationship talk? You tell her you are ready to talk when she is ready to recommit to working on your marriage and working on herself.until then, you have nothing to say. Then walk away.
In the meantime you have lots and lots of work to do on your codependency tendencies. You’ll never regret that work, no matter what the outcome.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Been alone for a long time physically... casual hook up a bad idea Im sure. Maybe I'll live like a monk for a while lol.
Believe it or not, humans CAN live without sex. It is what separates us from animals. One of your GAL activities should be a good workout program. Keep your body exercised!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - I crush workouts and am in pro athlete level shape. It definitely helps. One issue for me is Im very competitive and rarely satisfied... always want to have something to look forward to. IE sex at the end of the night... or maybe first thing in the morning. But yes I can live without sex and have for some time... But there is a fitness instructor at the gym who is smoking hot who we have been eyeing each other for weeks.... makes you think.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Well, I am a "sex within the bounds of marriage" guy, but I can't tell others what to do...or not to do. I'd suggest being completely moved on from your WW before ever getting into another relationship. How did Mary take the break-up?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
During convo last week W said marriage was in her mind dissolved. We're basically divorced. I mean Im basically ignoring my wife and not talking to her. But I will hold out on anything sexual. Focus on me.
Flight booked to Vegas for lacrosse tournament 1/24 - 1/27. GAL.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She was shaken up and upset. I tried to explain to her a few times that when she said she wanted me to let her know if she would have to wait years for marriage and kids I was just no where near ready for that. She reached out a couple times about a mutual friend and asked to get coffee once but I just told her the timing wasn’t right. I have concsidered apologizing to her again. But she really was into me and May be better not to say anything since I didn’t want what she wanted at this time.
Either way I know I’m not close to ready for anything serious. But will follow DB principles and advice here. I have to do it. Heading to IC now. Thanks Steve.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She was shaken up and upset. I tried to explain to her a few times that when she said she wanted me to let her know if she would have to wait years for marriage and kids I was just no where near ready for that. She reached out a couple times about a mutual friend and asked to get coffee once but I just told her the timing wasn’t right. I have concsidered apologizing to her again. But she really was into me and May be better not to say anything since I didn’t want what she wanted at this time.
Either way I know I’m not close to ready for anything serious. But will follow DB principles and advice here. I have to do it. Heading to IC now. Thanks Steve.
don't let others suffer because you're not ready.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
