Another update, I had to text W to let her know how much a bill was that we share. I said “Hi, the (bill this month was $xx)”. She responded “that’s fine, I’ll pay my half today on my lunch break. How are you, how did your retreat go?” I said “I’m good, the retreat went well, and I’m glad that I went”. She said “I’m happy for you, I hope that it helps and you start to see changes in yourself”. I said “thank you for letting me know about the program I appreciate it” and she said “you’re welcome” and that was it.
Don’t know if that’s positive or negative or neutral. I feel like I sabotaged my own going dark and NC but it was necessary to tell her to pay her half of the bill. I shouldn’t have to contact her for anything else until this time next month so I can continue my NC.
Don’t know if that’s positive or negative or neutral. I feel like I sabotaged my own going dark and NC but it was necessary to tell her to pay her half of the bill. I shouldn’t have to contact her for anything else until this time next month so I can continue my NC.
Mostly neutral I'd say. Maybe a little wordy when you could have just replied with "it went great" but that's OK, no harm done.
Good morning everyone, back for some more help, really not sure how to respond. This morning got a text from W at 7am “good morning, how are you feeling?” I said “I’m good” and she said “we need to meet up and talk about things to get everything straight. We need to talk about the divorce and other things, I don’t want to fight in court. I hope you understand.”
So, first off wtf? You ask me how I’m feeling then hit me with this? I haven’t responded and not sure what to say. Is she testing me to see if I pursue? What am I supposed to say here?
She just tried to call me twice one after the other (it’s been about 25 min since her divorce texts). Is she seriously that eager to talk about everything at 8am this morning? Do I just ignore her ?
WAWs get wild hairs that grow and it becomes the most important thing at that moment. I've often told the story of my W spending half of a Saturday working on her resume after I gave an ultimatum of complete transparency or we are done. (She is a SAHM.) That night she had a night of contrition, second thoughts, and "why are we doing this". I listened and validated. She never touched her resume again.
That's why staying busy (GAL) is so important. "Sorry, can't talk now." Likely she'll cool her jets. She made her goal in urgency clear: "don't want to fight in court". WAW speak for "I want the D to be as smooth and pain free as possible."
I'd suggest a free consultation with a lawyer. Then next time it comes up you can say "Anything we discuss will need to be reviewed by my lawyer. In fact, do you have a lawyer? I'd prefer we keep the conversations about D between them."
This does two things:
1) It burst her D fog of a painless, smooth D. Do not overlook the power that this can have. When they think you are just going to capitulate because you don't want the pain yourself, they glamorize the D process in their mind.
2) It shows her that you are going to stand up for yourself.This is especially effective if you've suffered from NGS in the past. She is expecting you to just give in to her in the spirit of trying to convince her you are a nice guy and don't deserve this. (Trust me, NGS isn't a good place to be for a guy, but don't think the WAW won't use it to their advantage!)
My vote, delay. Let her cool her jets. In the mean time go get a free consultation. And then next time it comes up you can start talking about your lawyer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve, that does make sense. I just responded “Busy, we’ll talk another time” and she said “ok”.
My W has always been extremely indecisive. Right now I know she is set on this but knowing her it can change in an instant. I need to find the way to help her bounce back the other way and look at me in a different light. I wish we could go back to right before the trip where there was still hope. Don’t know how to get back to that point. And it doesn’t help that she is sooooo proud that she won’t really come out and say that she wants to try. What do you all advise?
imlost8, one of the things my W said throughout our sitch is that her feelings switched like the wind. One minute she was sure she wanted a D, but 5 minutes later her feelings has changed and she didn't want a D. This made it very hard to deal with her because am I discussing this with the 5 minute's ago WW or the 5 minutes later WW. Or a completely different feeling WW (there were times I got the impression that she wanted an open marriage!, so there was at least a third WW!).
This is why the best thing you can do is avoid all R talks. If she corners you, listen and validate. In the meantime work on your 180s. GAL like a madman. And detach. You will not make progress until you can get to the point where no matter what she does or says, it has no emotional effect on you. Work on that.
You can't control her, or her feelings or thoughts. You can only control you so go back to focusing on what you can do! (see above)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
yes yes yes what Steve said have to detach, we can't say it enough...when you GAL and truly make changes in yourself you will have more and more confidence to be independent and not even care what decision she makes.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I do feel myself getting stronger each day and am accepting the fact that it’s over once again. I am in a much better place then I was a week ago. I am at the point once again when talking to her, I can be 100% indifferent and act like I don’t care what she says or does. Ive got that under control. I know right now she could tell me she’s never coming back/has another man/filed for divorce/hates my guts, literally anything, and I’d be completely fine with listening to it. Last week I’d be destroyed hearing that but not now.
From what I’ve seen, she switches back and forth but not every 5 minutes (at least not in front of me). It’s more of two weeks yes, one-two weeks no type of deal.
With all of that said, I am ok if it’s truly over. But, if there really is a chance, I don’t want to make any more mistakes. That’s why I come here for help because I don’t want to dig myself further in the hole. I am trying to be careful and play my cards right to draw her back and not screw it up again. I think this morning she was expecting me to beg and plead about the divorce so I felt like not falling into was the right thing and that’s the advice I was given. You guys are amazing!!
