Joe, it sounds like great news, but you need to take time to make sure her 180s are real and lasting.
SoTorn, most of us, I think, would love to hear our spouses have seen some sort of light, but the vast majority of us are doomed to disappointment. I think a big part of DBing is to get to the point where we no longer care.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I wrote a long reply and it got erased. Lol, so I’m going to redo this with a much shorter version.
We are beginning to reconcile. She seems to be sincere, and she has agreed to my terms:
1) This is her second chance, not mine. She is rebuilding MY trust, not the other way around. 2) I need to know everything about all relationships post D. I also required evidence that the relationships are over. She has provided this information. 3) She needs to take an STD test. She agreed without argument. 4) I need passwords to her devices. She has provided this. 5) She needs to apologize to my son. She has done this already and they are communicating. 6) She needs to apologize to my family. This is a work in progress, just by the nature of what it is.
We have been on a few dates so far, and they have all gone well. We have had a couple small arguments that all worked out peacefully. I expected some arguments, and we were able to communicate and solve our problems instead of argue even more. Overall, the R seems to be going in the right direction. There is a lot of familiarity, but also something new about each other that is different than the first time. We are both different people than we were a year ago. She did waywarding, I did GAL and 180’s. I think both processes changed both of us in some ways neither of us expected from each other. It’s very interesting.
I asked her what she wants to accomplish with this relationship. She said her goal is to become my wife again, if I will let her. I told her that she’s getting ahead of herself, since still have a lot of work to do. She says she is willing to do it.
HOWEVER: Something I never planned for happened to me. I realized I have a lot of insecurities about myself as it relates to my ex. And mentally, I took all of those things and put them into a box and hid them in my attic. Because I never thought R was an option, I never dealt with these emotions in the past and never planned for them to happen. So it is a little bit scary, and I have some things to think about before I get more serious. I don’t really need her in my life, so what am I even doing?
Life is weird.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Joe, your last paragraph is so insightful and I think it's very helpful that you've shared it here. As I work through my own S/D I feel myself take emotions and set them aside so I can get by. I'm sure these emotions will end up in my own attic. It's something we can all relate to but don't talk about a lot.
Man, having been through the wringer, and ups and downs of D, I'm sure there are tons of things rattling around all our attics. Good for you for recognizing that.
I'm glad you are facing your issues, both within yourself and with your ex. I think your updates are terrific and make me really happy for you.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Yail: Yep, I definitely need to work on these emotions. The insecurities I had about myself as they related to how I used to compare myself to OM I worked through with GAL. I thought maybe I was less attractive than OM, so I hit the gym. I started running again. I dropped a lot of weight. I started to dress better. As a result I became more confident about myself, which in turn made me more attractive to women. And being with other women made me even more confident. It was an effective combo.
But as it relates to my ex-wife? I took a lot of those feelings and just hid them. I never thought I'd have to talk to her again about our dog, so that whole range of dog emotions is back. I never thought she'd ever ask me to help her with my opinions regarding S15 again, but here I am dealing with those feelings. I never EVER thought she'd ever ask me about getting married and now the topic has come up like 4 times. And it's a little bit unnerving that I don't have this part of the script planned out.
Jim: Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate them a lot. I have no idea where this R is going to go from here. Either one of us could decide it's not worth it and bail at any time. But I think that given the circumstances, at this moment in time we'd both regret not trying to reconcile, so we really just have to give it a shot.
I am dealing with a lot of personal jealousy issues. I am jealous that she was with two guys after D. But to be honest, I was with girls post D, so I can't hold that against her at all. But I do. It's probably because I was the LBS. I know I have to get over it, and I'm working on it. One day at a time, I guess.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
And it's a little bit unnerving that I don't have this part of the script planned out.
Wow, what an insightful sentence. Because when someone is utilizing the forum and DBing there IS a bit of script to follow. I guess when we're at our most vulnerable we really need the support of other people suggesting what we should do and how to handle the range of emotions and actions. But now you're back on your own making your own decisions that we really can't advise you on, because this part is very personal to only you.
Whatever your future holds between you and your XW I thank you for sharing your process that you're going through now. You really are on the "other side" of it in the sense that you are not hopping back into the R as it used to be once-upon-a-time. You'd be defining a new R and deciding if that works for you. I'm sure it's very difficult in a lot of ways but hearing you really carefully consider what is important to you and sort through your feelings for your XW (now GF? I dunno!) in real-time is amazing.
Yail: I took a lot of those feelings and just hid them. I never thought I'd have to talk to her again about our dog, so that whole range of dog emotions is back. I never thought she'd ever ask me to help her with my opinions regarding S15 again, but here I am dealing with those feelings. I never EVER thought she'd ever ask me about getting married and now the topic has come up like 4 times. And it's a little bit unnerving that I don't have this part of the script planned out.
Joe, first of all you're doing all the right things in setting boundaries and not rushing things, well done! Regarding the above, just tell her how you feel. If she asks about getting married again just tell her that is a conversation for well down the road, that even her mentioning it to you at this time is causing you anxiety because you're not ready for that yet. This happens a lot at the beginning of recon, the WAS and LBS switch places. The WAS is the one that's pursuing and pressuring and the LBS is the one that's trying to pull back and create space. The thing is, you know how to be a LBS, she doesn't. So train her. Tell her you need to take it slow, and she needs to respect you and give you time and space to process this all.
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I am dealing with a lot of personal jealousy issues. I am jealous that she was with two guys after D. But to be honest, I was with girls post D, so I can't hold that against her at all. But I do. It's probably because I was the LBS. I know I have to get over it, and I'm working on it. One day at a time, I guess.
I'm guessing neither of you were virgins when you got married (is anyone these days?) But that didn't stop you from falling in love and getting married, and I would venture to say that you thought little if any about who she was with before that. So try to look at it that way, you're not resuming your old R but starting a new one. It's a clean slate, but even better, you're going into it knowing what both of you did wrong and how to make corrections for an even better R. Reconciling is about the future, not the past.
