First post here. What direction now??

[DC421]

Again...I truly do appreciate the advice from those who have lived it before me.

burned - Is that bad or good?? What is my response when she gets angry? Just remain calm and stick to the script?

ovrrnbw - I don't believe she is back in the M. I've calmed since this morning...so I do plan to go to the family gathering. I enjoy her family and don't want to let her kids think anything is wrong at Christmastime.

Here's a scenario that I don't know how to respond to. Her family has a nearby vacation property and she frequently goes there to getaway with the girls. However, she has on more than one occasion...gone there and been picked up by the OM and taken to his place for the night. She admitted to this when she admitted the A. Since then I have told her that I can no longer enable her behavior by staying home with her kids while she goes away for the night. I know she's going to ask again. How do I best answer her request to stay home with the stepkids while she spends the night away?

[burned]

Well, it's bad that she isn't all-in in the M but that's FOREVER far away from now, from where you're standing. Set that aside.

I'd say it's bad if she flips out at you and you take it seriously. Destroys how you feel about yourself. So learn to detach and grow some duck feathers so it rolls off you like water off a duck.

I'd also say it's bad to lose your source of intel. In my own sitch, I knew she "went back to him" (i.e., had never left him) because I tracked her to the motel. Brought it up in MC. Bye bye tracker. A week later OM's W finds out. Suddenly W is all lovey-dovey and seems to be wanting to R. Two weeks after that, BAM, she shuts it all down.

My very strong suspicion is that the final "BAM" was that OM split up with his W and my W was then free to move in for the kill. And because I don't have my intel sources, I'll never know. And on those painfully lonely nights, all I can do is wonder: did she leave me for him, or for nobody at all? Because the latter is far worse, in my book.

[LH19]

I know she's going to ask again. How do I best answer her request to stay home with the stepkids while she spends the night away?

There is nothing you can do. You can't control her. The only person you can control is yourself. Now if her spending the night with him is a deal breaker for you then that is another story. Is it s deal breaker for you?

[DC421]

I don't think it's a deal breaker yet. But my point was enabling her behavior. If I refuse to stay home myself and watch her kids...then it makes it much more difficult on her to accomplish. Feels like I should say no based on avoiding the NGS and enabling her??

[burned]

I don't think it's a deal breaker yet. But my point was enabling her behavior. If I refuse to stay home myself and watch her kids...then it makes it much more difficult on her to accomplish. Feels like I should say no based on avoiding the NGS and enabling her??

Just be sure that your motivation for "not enabling" isn't a way to control the outcome. It's not that you're not enabling her so that she will be more likely to come back. It's that you're not enabling her because you're a man who respects himself too much to let others take advantage of him that blatantly.

[LH19]

Well if shes in an A and you are overlooking it, pretty much everything you do is enabling it.

Watch the kids don't watch the kids, she will find a way to see him.

[DC421]

Thanks for the responses! Makes a lot of sense when you think of it those ways. I wanna go back to when my biggest worry was which QB to start on my fantasy team! This [censored]...

[burned]

I wanna go back to when my biggest worry was which QB to start on my fantasy team!

That time is now. Go back to it, right now.

Worrying about your sitch WON'T fix it. In fact it might make it worse.

Worrying about your life and what you enjoy doing with it, despite W, might fix it.

[LH19]

DC,

I am really sorry. Unfortunately your life is never going to be the same. The good news your actions will determine whether your life will be better or worse.

We are here for you.

[Ready2Change]

This is just a suggestion- ask her to sit down and talk. Tell her that given where things are right now, you don't feel comfortable being around her family and you're thinking that maybe you should bow out of her family get-together and ask her how she would feel about that. Normally we would say just don't go, but your situation is different because your W has at least verbally said she's back in the M. It's unclear whether she really is all-in or not just yet, so you've got to tread carefully.

I like this.