It's not what I want and I'm doing everything I can do to avoid initiating it. She says she is "working on the paperwork" and asked me to separate the finances so she can "list it on the form when we file." I went to the L yesterday who said I'm pretty much set no matter what happens, I don't really have to do anything until one or both of us files but it's up to me. I have a sense of what my offer would be and it's fair for both of us.
Based on what W has been saying, she wants to do it the easy way where we just agree to the terms and file our agreement, which the judge then signs and we're done. It's true that it will be relatively simple since we don't have kids and most of the separating has been done already. But I haven't seen any of the forms yet. She has been busy with school, and I suspect that now that she has a month off she will finish it up and send me her offer. Then I get to say what I want and see if she agrees.
So I'm letting her do the work but it does require some cooperation on my part.
I just don't want this to happen.
Ah, I understand now. So your question was what is the DB approach and the answer is basically what I said in my post. You don't push the process yourself but you don't interfere either. If she asks you for info then provide it. If she gives you paperwork for review then review it and respond. Go with the flow. Specifically you said she asked you for finances, if that is something only you can provide then provide it.
I must say I like how this thread is evolving, I like the new burned I see growing before my very eyes. Dear Burned, these are all growing pains and they are just something we've all had to go through.
What happened?? I woke up this morning feeling like it was October again. Now I'm making progress?
Look, she is a human being with rights and desires. I didn't ever want to interfere with that. I got into a super crazy spiral of confusion trying to figure out how to balance everything. She wants D and I want her to have what makes her happy. But in a sense, me rushing in to take care of things for her (which is a very common theme in our M) sends the message that I DON'T consider her to be a capable, independent adult.
Fine, so let her be one. She can do whatever she wants. If she shows up at my door tomorrow morning with papers, I'll be sad but it ain't gonna kill me. I just really think there's a chance for something really amazing to happen between the new[er] me and her.
Aside from that, I ate my filet-o-fish last night, right now I'm gonna do some boxing (less than 2 weeks back in the game and I already see a change in my shape, that's the beauty of still being 35). I just made plans to have dinner/beers with one of the new people I met (guy friend). Tonight I will go home and read whatever book I feel like and watch whatever I want on TV and that's that.
It's sad because W is missing out. I do miss her. I hope she misses me sometimes. If she doesn't, well...sorry.
Emotional rollercoaster!
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Because empathy means you see the other person's emotions and feel them too - you see them as a human that you can relate to. You see THEM. Not you.
Do you know any older adults who recently had cataract surgery? They say they can see better after the surgery than when they were 20.
BD was like that for me. In the span of 2 weeks I saw so much. Things I did wrong, things I could have done better, blah blah.
I spent all of the time after that frantically trying to hold onto W so that she could really BELIEVE me that I REALLY was getting it and that I WANTED to change, for real.
It means that all the OTHER times I said, "Yes, dear, I'm sorry, I'll try to do better" were only half-hearted. And she was right when she said that it's pretty bad when "that" is what it takes to open your eyes. Too little, too late. WW script. But also true.
So here I am. I'm working on it. And it hurts so much to think that it doesn't matter. That I'll be such a better person but she'll still have given up. I can't make her love me, I can't make her come back. It's just a shame, to think of what COULD have been.
I don't know, something like that I guess.
Totally get it. I had the same epiphany. I saw our R like an outsider - the good and the bad both. I saw my role. I also saw W's role. I also regret not taking her seriously in all the times she asked for help with my "I'll do better"s. It was TLTL for us, absolutely. But that only refers to in that period of time TLTL.
I think you and I both need to really embrace our upcoming Ds. Like, really really accept they will likely happen. And move on from them. And then maybe when we really truly move on with full lives we may re-engage with our spouses. Because you and I are still the same people we were in our respective Rs, with minor changes taking place.
I know I have not grown enough to tackle something as important as my M that has already fallen apart. I could hypothetically start a new R which would have different dynamics and different problems. I'd certainly have more knowledge than I did during my M that I could bring to the table. But to re-tackle what is currently broken, I'm not sure we are strong enough or have learned enough. I think the same goes for our spouses. I think mine has her own growth to do and I need to let her do that.
Hey burned, I was responding to your last thread when it was locked.
I was also not the best husband and yes at times I was a bad husband. I recognized this and I started to work on myself to better myself for my M. Right after I started my journey to correct a lot of bad habits my W got her new job. This is when she started to pull away. Once OM got in the picture (her manager) she never looked back. WW started the EA and then literally said "f**k it" when she initiated PA.
I got to listen to a recording of her where he asked her "why did you decide to start having sex with me?" and she said "IDK I just said "F**K it". Literally, that is what she said. She summed up her reason for betraying me to her OM by saying F it.
That is how the WW's mind works. WW had convinced herself that I was no longer worth any effort and that she needed to initiate a sexual relationship with another man.
Its not us, its our WW's choice to do this to us. I was making huge changes in myself when she decided to do this. WW even acknowledged to me that she saw the changes, but eventually I got the "its too little too late". That was because she saw this shining knight in armor man who cheats on his wife and kids back at home and thought that her working with him for a year meant they were meant to be together. That thought process to me is trash.
That is what makes me angry.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Don't worry burned, we're with you for the ride. Hang in there.
You're being honest, transparent, vulnerable and pushing forward. Nothing wrong with that.
Keep chugging away. I'm picturing the burned train going over beautiful hills and through deep valleys, maybe one more destination to drop someone off... and then, you keep chugging away, taking the scenic route. Who knows how many people you will pick up along the way. Keep going, keep living. Enjoy life.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
It's CRAZY how huge the emotional swings are...STILL. I don't know what W is going through. Maybe it's the same, crazy swings, but I can't tell from the texts she sends, just the same as she can't tell from my texts. Maybe we both try to mind read and we're both thinking the other person is something they aren't. If that makes any sense.
The reason I say that is because this morning I could barely get out of bed. Just now when I was downstairs boxing I thought to myself (metaphorically):
DAVID LEE ROTH is the lead singer of Van Halen.
Sammy Hagar can go pound sand.
I am the original, the one and only. Go ahead and TRY to replace me. Good luck with that.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
They go through the same. My WW sometimes will be very rational. Other times she will be very angry at me and upset with me. All I know is that I don't need to let what she does affect me. I affect me.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
They go through the same. My WW sometimes will be very rational. Other times she will be very angry at me and upset with me. All I know is that I don't need to let what she does affect me. I affect me.
Agreed ST. We're all in pain in our sitches - both LBS and WW/WAS/MLC. I think in our anger we sometimes forget that the other person is also in pain - but they show it differently and are making different choices.
For me it helps put it into perspective. Just...a lot of pain all the way around. And we're all doing what we think is best in any given moment.. Including the WW.
