First post here. What direction now??

[Ready2Change]

From past experience DB'rs...should I stop spying...or can it be useful knowledge??

It is knowledge if you are emotional strong enough.




Never reveal your sources of intel.


When she lies to you:


W:"H, Affair is over. I have not contacted him since I ended it"

Calmly with direct eye contact:

H:"W, STOP. We both know you are lying. There is no point in continuing this conversation if you continue to lie". Turn and walk away.

[Ready2Change]

Got it. No more snooping! But what do I do with the intel I already know (her texting the OM last night)? If she continues to lie and tell me it's over and there have been NC...what do I say?

See my last post. There is more you need to learn to say.


Here is a question for you to think about:


Do you want to share your wife with another man?

If your answer is no. What choices do you have?

[Ready2Change]

^^^ she is NOT back in the marriage. Every statement and every action is SUSPECT. She is playing you for time, cake-eating, getting the best of both worlds without any of the trouble.

Turn it around. She has you as a backup in case OM falls through. Reality: OM should be the backup in case YOU fall through. You deserve better than sloppy seconds.

Agree.

[DC421]

Of course I don't want to share my wife with another man. That's why I'm reading everything I can on this site. Trying to do the right thing based on what I learn from it. It's so hard to get to the point where I'm not doing it to get her back...but doing it for me. That's gonna take some time.

Everything I read on here says remain calm, act instead of react...follow the "rules". But some of the responses make me feel like some are suggesting that I should deliver an ultimatum? Or simply just walk away?

[SoTorn]

Of course I don't want to share my wife with another man. That's why I'm reading everything I can on this site. Trying to do the right thing based on what I learn from it. It's so hard to get to the point where I'm not doing it to get her back...but doing it for me. That's gonna take some time.

Everything I read on here says remain calm, act instead of react...follow the "rules". But some of the responses make me feel like some are suggesting that I should deliver an ultimatum? Or simply just walk away?

Its not an ultimatum. Its a boundary. Its not a boundary for your WW, its for you. Go read the boundaries thread. You don't need to repeat your boundaries over and over to your WW. Once is enough.

Detachment from them is their consequence for their behavior. Giving WW an ultimatum will not stop the A. You do have to make the decision if you want to end it or not. You have to decide when you are done.

If you are a model DB and WW keeps on going forever and ever, you have to decide when you have had enough. The final act of LRT is you ending your MR. That is when have made significant changes in yourself, you can recognize these changes and have consistently kept them up and nothing has changed between you and your WW.

I think a lot of people give themselves about a year. I think thats about accurate. I am going to actually take measure of everything in March if this even lasts until then. I was going to move out actually and asked WW to refi the house and buy me out. WW agreed and then waffled. So at this point I am going to continue DB and IHS.

If March comes around I will see if anything at all has changed, if I have bettered myself and been consistent on the DB and know that I am doing well and ok emotionally, I may initiate D.

[burned]

Or simply just walk away?

You've been here for 48 hours. It's not going to make any sense for a LONG time.

My advice, don't put too much thought into what you SHOULD do. But listen to what you SHOULDN'T do. Memorize Sandi's rules, literally.

ACTIONS, not words. An ultimatum is just words. Weak, needy. ACTIONS speak louder. You don't say "I'm leaving if you don't change." You just do an about-face, forward march. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

You do it by GAL, primarily. You do it by 180s. You do it by the way you "carry" yourself. Suddenly you feel great because you joined a gym and pounded the spit out of a punching bag. You get home, W says "blah blah blah I'm on my way to the cabin with my girls" and you think to yourself, "Meh, have fun. Only I know how to really please you, but suit yourself." Then you walk to the freezer and start eating the ice cream right out of the tub.

[DC421]

Or simply just walk away?

Then you walk to the freezer and start eating the ice cream right out of the tub.

First laugh of the day! Thanks guys...the support here is appreciated. Thanks for all the help....and all that’s yet to come.

[Ready2Change]

Of course I don't want to share my wife with another man.

So what actions can you take that communicate this clearly to your wife, in a non-threatening, non-controlling way?

[DC421]

Ok. I read the boundaries thread. Trying to understand. So if she says she wants an overnight with the girls....would a good response be: That’s fine if you choose to stay away overnight. But you’ll need to find somewhere for your kid(s)to go...because I won’t be here to do it. Is that a correct boundary? Or not?

[burned]

Partway there, I think. But it needs to be more “I” focused. It’s about what you will and won’t allow her to do to you. Break it down to the basics: “It hurts me when someone stabs me, and I don’t like cleaning up the blood. I’m asking you to not stab me. If you try to stab me, I will run the other way to protect myself.”

“It’s hard for me to make plans when I have to watch the kids. It’s important to me to spend time doing things I enjoy. From now on, please tell me at least a week in advance when you plan to go out with the girls. If I don’t have enough advanced warning, I’ll just have to hire a babysitter.”

I’m NOT a boundary expert but I think that’s how it goes. And obviously if you say something like that, prepare for some backlash. “WTF, you always watch the kids when I go out with the girls!” Possible response: “Well, W, I realized that I haven’t been doing enough things for myself, so...let’s figure out a solution that works for both of us.”

Always focus on “I.”

Edit: since you’re new here, you may not realize how bad@ss that comes across. She may be angry but she will respect it. Whatever she says after that, let it roll off your back. Go eat more ice cream and remind yourself that you’re a bad@ss. Not a jack@ss, mind you. Just an awesome guy who knows his own worth and doesn’t let a lying cheater define his worth.