All things (if the M is right for you or not) aside, you have been working on overdrive to save this M for a year. Working hard and nonstop. Teaching others along the way. In a flash you have done a complete 180 and feel checked out and even euphoric about moving on. That's a huge and fast turnaround! Red flag.
I think this is speaking more to your emotional process than anything. And I can totally relate. So right now, I venture to say, something else is going on with you. This is not just about W or your M! That's okay, but these emotions will also come and go. Trust me on that. Slow down, my friend. I don't want you to have regrets. I did some pretty outrageous things a year ago. This stuff is powerful ... keep posting so it doesn't carry you away. We can help bring you back down to earth :-)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Steve I may not be able to give you more insight than the vets here but I want to voice out what strikes me in your sitch. Your seemingly quick 180 may have happened due to the one year anxiety that built up in both of you. Your W and you I am sure have been exchanging unsaid emotions of fear and uncertainty that probably accelerated this in you. The thing that stood out most to me was how you feel you have 20/300 vision and how you specifically say you can see the individual leaves on the trees. There is a talk out there that I will try to dig up and link over the weekend, what you define is the exact sentence almost verbatim that was used to describe detachment You have been the fixer of your R this past year carrying the burden on your shoulders alone, you hit challenges being a parent of a teen and you have taken a great interest and guided in most of our sitches. While we are all extremely grateful for your support it must have taken a toll on your bearing. I feel anger, sadness, contempt when I read some sitches here. I feel the scab pulled off sometimes , while some of us may be able to compartmentalise better it has got to wear you down Take some time for yourself, we keep saying life is short but for most of us it isn’t, we all have years and years ahead to live the repercussions of our actions and decisions. If I were in your sitch , for the time being I would stay for your D, she is old enough to get the subtle messages and it will stretch her thin trying to cope with this tide I feel your detachment may not be limited to MR, investigate to see if it slowly percolates into your other Rs and interests. I have read so much where it says true happiness can only begin when you detach fully not just from your MR but all your other Rs too. What I have learnt is Self love isn’t just about getting pampered at a spa, retail therapy or getting into another R , it’s about loving oneself so much that the others are all just a good to have. In fact as a mother at some point I should learn detachment love on that front too I feel you have embodied it and are on your path of awakening, this is way beyond your MR or W. It is about the new you, may be the real you
Steve I may not be able to give you more insight than the vets here but I want to voice out what strikes me in your sitch. Your seemingly quick 180 may have happened due to the one year anxiety that built up in both of you. Your W and you I am sure have been exchanging unsaid emotions of fear and uncertainty that probably accelerated this in you. The thing that stood out most to me was how you feel you have 20/300 vision and how you specifically say you can see the individual leaves on the trees. There is a talk out there that I will try to dig up and link over the weekend, what you define is the exact sentence almost verbatim that was used to describe detachment You have been the fixer of your R this past year carrying the burden on your shoulders alone, you hit challenges being a parent of a teen and you have taken a great interest and guided in most of our sitches. While we are all extremely grateful for your support it must have taken a toll on your bearing. I feel anger, sadness, contempt when I read some sitches here. I feel the scab pulled off sometimes , while some of us may be able to compartmentalise better it has got to wear you down Take some time for yourself, we keep saying life is short but for most of us it isn’t, we all have years and years ahead to live the repercussions of our actions and decisions. If I were in your sitch , for the time being I would stay for your D, she is old enough to get the subtle messages and it will stretch her thin trying to cope with this tide I feel your detachment may not be limited to MR, investigate to see if it slowly percolates into your other Rs and interests. I have read so much where it says true happiness can only begin when you detach fully not just from your MR but all your other Rs too. What I have learnt is Self love isn’t just about getting pampered at a spa, retail therapy or getting into another R , it’s about loving oneself so much that the others are all just a good to have. In fact as a mother at some point I should learn detachment love on that front too I feel you have embodied it and are on your path of awakening, this is way beyond your MR or W. It is about the new you, may be the real you
Sia, thank you. That is very insightful. You have a wonderful way of saying so much in so few words. I feel I am the opposite! I say very little in way too many words.
Anyway, yes I have actually used DBing technique in many different settings. Listening and validating is a wonderful technique, and I've even used it on this forum and diffused "disagreements" with it. I used it a couple of weeks ago on my boss, it was amazing.
I like to use the word self-differentiated instead of detached. Detached sometimes is confused with disengaged. And it has a negative connotation. But yes, you are right detachment/differentiation is important in all Rs you have. Parents, grand parents, sibliings, cousins, kids, grandkids, friends, church members, coworkers, fellow students, everywhere! Not being differentiated from someone you are close to puts too much of the responsibility for one's own happiness on the other person. The weight of that is too great for another person to bear and it ends up with both parties being unhappy.
Thanks Sia. I think you hit on it perfectly about the new, real me. I am about to give an update where I touch on that!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well just got back from putting holes in paper targets. There is something cathartic, even therapeutic about the gun range. If you've never done I suggest you try it. It is so freeing, and mind-opening. But I digress.
I came out of there with some new clarity. Thanks to this board I fought the urge today to confront my W and have a R talk. I really think at this juncture, with the way I feel, it would be very detrimental to my marriage. I would essentially be bomb daying her. I think that is where it would end up. I would say things that would, because of what she is capable of (or not capable of), that she would not be able to live up to. I'd essentially be saying "I can't be with you because you are unable to do X, Y and Z". X, Y, and Z are a long list of things. Some small like not wanting to go places with me just to spend time together. Some big like the passionate kissing. Thanks to this board I know to wait on that. There will come a time to have that discussion, but right now, with my IDC attitude, I would be blunt to the point of unkind.
Some more clarity........I do want someone that can live up to my standard. When we were dating and first married, she would go with me places "just because". I want that again. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life never giving a good, long, deep, romantic, and passionate kiss ever again. And maybe this is the Ring and piecing fatigue talking, but I don't want to work towards that. I just want it. The thought of sitting with a MC discussing these wants/needs and hearing "ok, to work towards that let's try doing this for the next two weeks...blah blah blah blah blah". I shudder at that. The new me just doesn't have the patience for that. I keep thinking of this answer I gave to R2C yesterday when he asked me if I had really changed that much:
Quote
Yeah. I have. It's impossible to do the study and research and reading that I've done and not change. I am way better today than I was a year ago. Today I'm a man only a fool would leave. But I'm also a man that knows his own Worth to the point where now he's wondering if sticking around with somebody who was willing to hurt him is even worth his time. And I don't say that to be cruel to her. But remember, this is our second go-round. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
Wow has that answer stuck with me. It is almost as if I had an out of body experience when I wrote that and it was an epiphany my body gave to me! "I'm also a man that knows his own Worth to the point where now he's wondering if sticking around with somebody who was willing to hurt him is even worth his time." Profound, and does such a great job of capturing how I feel right now.
Also, I've been able to keep a brave front up today. I did a good job of staying busy. I left early this morning, stayed away until about noon. We spent a couple of hours together at home. I was upbeat, present, friendly, but not overly sharing. She got home, from getting D from school, we spent another hour or so together and I headed off to the GAL activity. Just got home a bit ago, came down to my office/mancave to put the toys away, and now am I on my office PC typing this update. I think this is the mode I need to operate in for the next 2-3 weeks. Then I can reassess, get input here, and decide how to proceed.
This is going to be a LONGGGGGGG 2 -3 weeks! LOL Fake it until I make it. We'll see how I feel after all the holiday hubbub bablu is over. I just need to stay kind and friendly until then.
I'll post here again if anything substantial occurs. Thanks again everyone, this forum is just plain awesome.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do you reload? I pulled in my pistol groups by reloading. My groups for my optimal load were 20% tighter.
I don't. I've not had good luck with the reloads I have used in the past. Factory ammo tends to be made at exacting standards. But I could be wrong based on your experience.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Working up the loads is key. Next in line for me is large rifle loads. I am going to start with 30-06. Never enough time to do everything. How can anyone be bored?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We have an alternative methods deer season here in MO that starts Saturday. I was out sighting a holographic sight on an ar pistol yesterday. Fun fun fun. Back to ducks tomorrow.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well just got back from putting holes in paper targets. There is something cathartic, even therapeutic about the gun range. If you've never done I suggest you try it. It is so freeing, and mind-opening. But I digress.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Working up the loads is key. Next in line for me is large rifle loads. I am going to start with 30-06. Never enough time to do everything. How can anyone be bored?
Used to shoot that at cans/mason jars as a lil boy out in the country. First handgun I shot at 6 years old was a 357 mag. I miss that moving to the city, never shot a gun since then. (unless shooting bbs into the paper star at fairs count, then yeah)
Is the range really that fun & therapeutic? It could be on my to do list.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
