You need to be respected there. If there´s no respect there´s nothing forward that, there´s no future MR. Set some boundaries, those are for you. You control yourself. W is ww, set her free. Once you set a boundary you must stick to it, get it? Stepping back shows weakness and those days are over for DC.
I want to start of this morning with sending all of you a huge THANK YOU! Finding this board, and those who are on it...has been a game changer for me. The simple feeling of being "not the only one" has completely changed my look at life thru this process and time. So, just know that your words are making a difference...a BIG difference. Thank you!!
I got a little too caught up in all of it yesterday...trying to figure it ALL out in one day. Breathing better today! Inhale...LET. Exhale...GO. Woke up calm this morning after a good nights sleep.
So here's my plan for the holiday weekend...and one question. Keep busy and work on GAL when possible. I have a little work to do tomorrow, a little shopping too. I have an old friend in town who I plan to meet up with at least once. Watch some football on Sunday (hopefully cash big in my Fantasy League, wish me luck!) My daughter and her friend will be coming over for dinner on Sunday (W can join if she wants). Breakfast/lunch with a friend on Monday. I will attend the family Christmas with my wife on Monday evening and have a good time whether I do or not!
As we discussed last night, Tuesday becomes the bump in the road. Remember, the W said "my family member doesn't have any kids on Christmas, so I may go see her." We all know what she's up to. So that leads to my question:
I have read and re-read the boundaries thread, and I still am struggling to get it. Is my response to W's statement a place for a boundary? Or is the suggested - "ok, have fun" response the best? Keep in mind there may be some child care request in order for her to leave. So would "OK, I have a chance to attend a Christmas Party with a friend...so that gives me a chance to go" be a better response. It would put the possbile burden of child care back on her...and make me feel stronger that the doormat I've been in the past #NGS.
Or is this the time to call her out respectfully saying "we both know you are lying and know exactly what you are trying to do here. You're free to do whatever you want, but I won't be here to watch (kid) today." and walk away.
As you can tell...I'm finding it hard understanding WHEN to use the rules/180s and WHEN to enforce a boundary.
I think where you are confused is that a boundary is something you put down and then YOU do something if she crosses it. For instance like a fence to keep people off of your property.
Or in this case I will not be in a relationship with you when you are in one with someone else.
None of this needs to be SAID.
Actions speak louder than words, so by your actions she will get the message. You can say it ONCE if you really feel the need to but have NO EXPECTATIONS that she will do anything other than spew venom at you.
A 180 is doing something differently than what you always do, like saying something and expecting/hoping she will change.
Better to keep mouth shut and let her wonder what is up with you.
You indicated that a affair is not a deal breaker so I think it's best to put the boundary on the back burner right now until you get your feet wet.
W: My friend doesn't have any kids so I am going to visit her. DC: Ok. Sounds like fun. W: can you watch the kids for me? DC; Sorry I have plans. W: Doing what? DC: hanging with some new friends I met
You've been getting some great advice, but I wanted to go back to this from a few pages ago:
Originally Posted by DC421
Another question for all: I know the rules of DB say "Do not spy on spouse". And I want to stop doing this badly and I actually had stopped for a couple of weeks until she said she ended the affair. I feel the need to have the recon on her activities. However, everytime I find something...my blood pressure and anxiety go up....and I have to talk myself in to not just giving up. Or worse, call her and angrily confront her like I used too. But, it's like a "tell" in poker...if I'm sure I know what cards she is holding...it helps me understand her actions. From past experience DB'rs...should I stop spying...or can it be useful knowledge??
OK so several people said not to snoop. The thing about snooping is when you snoop you get little snippets of info that can be hard to interpret. For example, maybe OM texts your W and says "I'm sorry for everything, I really want to see you again" and she replies "stop it, I never want to hear from you again and I am blocking your number." You look on your phone log and see she sent a message to OM. You think she's contacting him again, and you lay awake at night spinning a thousand different scenarios on why she contacted him, what she said, etc. You don't have the whole picture so snooping just gives you little pieces you don't know what to make of.
That said, when your spouse has been engaging in an affair and comes clean and says they're back in the M, they've blown all trust that you may have had and it is on THEM to rebuild that trust. How do they do that? 100% transparency on phone, email, social media, etc. First of all if your spouse admits to an affair you should absolutely not dismiss it, welcome them back with open arms and pretend it never happened. Because if you do, I guarantee it will happen again and probably soon. You should lay down boundaries. NO weekend outings without your consent, NO sneaking off for 4 hours to go shopping or whatever, NO secret phone texting. When I say 100% transparency on phone and such, I mean she gives you all her passwords and if you ask to see her phone she hands it over for your review. Is that snooping? No, it is her being on probation for violating a very basic agreement in a marriage, that you will not F around on your spouse.
So where do you stand? Your W admits to an A, and says she wants to work on the M. Well what work has she done? NONE AT ALL. Here's my advice to you- sit down with her and tell her that you've given it a lot of thought, that you no longer trust her, and that if she wants to work on things like she says, then she needs to start by handing over her phone so you can see what she's been up to (and hold your hand out for it). If she gets mad and refuses, well that tells you how "committed" she is to working on things, right? And you know where you stand and can start treating her like the WAS she is. If she hands it over, then take it and go through her texts and FB messages and such. That is the MINIMUM she should be willing to do to regain your trust.
Edit to add- many spouses who take back a cheater have also insisted the cheater send a message to the OP telling them they want no contact with them ever again, and then delete their contact info and block them on social media, and do it all in the presence of the cheated-on spouse. If this sounds like it would embarrass her, well yeah, shame is part of what a cheater needs to suffer as a consequence of their actions. You can't treat cheating lightly.
Thanks for the answers and advice. I think I'm starting to understand the difference a bit better. Still nice and calm today...leaving work now and hoping to stay strong, keep up the 180s and make it a great holiday weekend with or without her!
Touched on this in another thread...but wanted to put it here too. Last night I was home with w and kids. In discussing the weekend plans I told her which night my daughter was coming to dinner, when I had to go to office and a meet up I’m having with a friend. Her response: “thanks for checking with me”! Lol. This led to “well then I don’t feel bad when I ditch you on Xmas day to go see family”. My response: “you should go. I’ve been invited to a party (which I have) and probably won’t be home anyway”. She quickly asked a rapid series of questions about party... who? When? Where? Etc. I answered and walked away. She recovered her questioning with “that’s good, you should hang out with them more anyway”. The advice I got here worked nicely. Not because it put her in a tailspin....but how it made me feel. More in control of me no matter how she feels. More confident and more GAL! Small steps...one in front of the other.
Also, I found myself caring less about what she was doing or saying. Feeling less of the initial desperation of the BD and more of the disgust of “how could you do this to me. I deserve better”. Small shift, but noticeable in myself.
There are many stages of emotions you will go through. Just expect to feel content one moment, anger another, sadness another.
Keep up the GAL.
That being said you dont need to explain to her the what, where, who IMHO. She isnt actively trying to R with you, just said the words.
Next time just keep it to a short "I have plans" .
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
