I think the point Sandi is making is that she is full of "it".
Don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does.
Hey ovrrnbw, thanks for the reply. I am starting to see this more and more with the time I am spending to myself.
Hey JT,
Sorry to hear of your sitch, but you're not alone, and you have great support. You are doing well. Keep posting and reading.
Sandi and others have been able to help me see the light. Although I'm a work in progress, I feel so much better than when I first got here. I was lost in feelings, confused, and in denial.
Yes, the more time you learn and read what others post here, you will see things for what they are.
This is your journey. You will learn this is about you. Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally. You'll quickly know that you can't control anyone but yourself. What you friend suggested about "forcing her" to do something, it doesn't work. You will be let down. You're going to get help on how you build you up.
It's early, pace yourself. Take the focus off of her and put it on you. You're in control of your own happiness. You got this.
Thank you Adam, those were very inspiring words and I truly appreciate them. I also sympathize with your situation, it is so nice knowing that there are other people out there going through very similar situations. I guess since I don't have anyone directly in my life currently dealing with this, it can feel as if you are the only person in this predicament. Its so nice to receive perspective from people like you and everyone else on this site. I am working on myself the best I can, working with my own IC, currently trying to rekindle some friendships that I have let dwindle away over the years, and trying to focus on my health and get my back to somewhat of a normal condition.
It is hard being back in my hometown for the holidays without her and having everyone asking where she is. I just put a smile on and say shes not going to be able to make it this year. My family and their close friends know the truth. My reading keeps my mind focused on something and keeps me feeling positive. If anyone has any reading suggestions please feel free to message me, that is one good thing to have come of this, I now have a love of reading and learning new opinions and ways of looking at things. My career has also been very fulfilling lately so I am focusing there as well to keep that on an upward trajectory.
I will keep posting here with updates and interactions I have with her. Thank you all so much again for your assistance, I am in everyone's debt.
Current Reading List:
Attached The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work The Seven Secrets of Healthy, Happy Relationships Hold Me Tight One More Try The 5 Love Languages How to Heal Your Marriage After Trust is Broken
From looking at your reading list, before you jump into using techniques from other books that aren't part of DB, I will caution to listen to what others will tell you. You will hear DB is counter-intuitive. It will not work well with other people's techniques on what they consider as fixer steps.
Like LRT has it where you are not pursuing, you're giving space for several reasons. Other books may encourage you to reach out to try and bond. You have issues, you work on bonding, talking, resolving, right? Right now, as for the WW, she does not want to talk to you. They pretty much loath us, so any pursuit will further their disgust. It doesn't give them time to cool down. Then another thing is that if you -aren't- the problem in M, the attention you bring yourself will make you the problem. You don't want that.
The thing about friendships, that's huge man. Do it. Round up the ole gang... Make new friends along the way.
Maybe its hard to fathom right now that happiness is a state of mind, but it'll also be a way of life, a lifestyle if you embrace it. Live in the pain, don't hide or run from it, tackle it head on, know you are a good person worthy of happiness. Be the one to create it for yourself and others around you. Exude it, don't give your W the power over your happiness.
Enjoy your Christmas and time with your family & friends. Go purposefully do something fun or that you might not have done in a while, within the laws of course.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
From looking at your reading list, before you jump into using techniques from other books that aren't part of DB, I will caution to listen to what others will tell you. You will hear DB is counter-intuitive. It will not work well with other people's techniques on what they consider as fixer steps.
Like LRT has it where you are not pursuing, you're giving space for several reasons. Other books may encourage you to reach out to try and bond. You have issues, you work on bonding, talking, resolving, right? Right now, as for the WW, she does not want to talk to you. They pretty much loath us, so any pursuit will further their disgust. It doesn't give them time to cool down. Then another thing is that if you -aren't- the problem in M, the attention you bring yourself will make you the problem. You don't want that.
The thing about friendships, that's huge man. Do it. Round up the ole gang... Make new friends along the way.
Maybe its hard to fathom right now that happiness is a state of mind, but it'll also be a way of life, a lifestyle if you embrace it. Live in the pain, don't hide or run from it, tackle it head on, know you are a good person worthy of happiness. Be the one to create it for yourself and others around you. Exude it, don't give your W the power over your happiness.
Enjoy your Christmas and time with your family & friends. Go purposefully do something fun or that you might not have done in a while, within the laws of course.
Thanks Adam,
Yeah I havent implemented any other techniques mainly just been reading to maybe understand relationship dynamics better and how I fall into them with my tendencies. This site and the divorce remedy are the first things I have found that help with a course of action in my current situation. You bring up extremely good points and I definitely needed to read them this morning. I am starting to dwell a little bit on how sucky this christmas eve feels because of all of this and I just have the want to call/text her and let her know how crappy I think all of this is, but I know that will accomplish absolutely nothing.
I hope you enjoy your Christmas as well, thanks again for all of the insight.
I hope everyone had a merry Christmas this morning. I’m struggling with a decision, my mother has bought my wife quite a few Christmas presents and I can’t decidd whether to give them to her or not. If I’m just supposed to be focusing on myself part of me just says to give them to her and continue to act Ike I’m moving on. But another part of me says he’ll no forget that she doesn’t deserve anything. Haha this WAW stuff is for the birds, definitely a growing experience.
Did you previously know about the molestation incident, or did you first hear about it in the couple's session?
Did she give any details, or just say she was molested? Was it a trusted adult? Did it happen more than once?
With her not revealing the experience to anyone, I could understand it affecting her psychologically.........and how physical intimacy could trigger those bad feelings.
To your knowledge, has her affairs been limited to EA?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Did you previously know about the molestation incident, or did you first hear about it in the couple's session?
Did she give any details, or just say she was molested? Was it a trusted adult? Did it happen more than once?
With her not revealing the experience to anyone, I could understand it affecting her psychologically.........and how physical intimacy could trigger those bad feelings.
To your knowledge, has her affairs been limited to EA?
I knew about the incident, I believe she told me when we were dating, but there were no details, just was told that some guy in high school tried to molest her. I do not believe it was a trusted adult I believe it was a trusted peer. I am unsure of the frequency of the event, as I came to understand it, it was only once.
To my knowledge, she has only confided in other men emotionally. I have no reason to suspect that anything has turned physical other than the fact that it is just a possibility. I too can understand it affecting her psychologically, I just don't understand why she doesn't want to face it and try to work on it when it is obviously causing her some distress. I told her that if she doesn't want to face it now that is fine, but it will come back to bite her at some point later in her life. I said don't do it for me, don't do it for our marriage, but at least address it for yourself and let that burden go. But she refuses to get professional help for any of it.
Well, sounds like my wife is coming over tonight to pick up her christmas gifts. I am going to do my best if we talk about anything relationship wise to just 1) validate her feelings 2) Be tough and show that I am happy 3) Not indulge any info of what I have been doing. I will post an update later. She texted me yesterday afternoon (Christmas Day):
WAW: When are you coming back?
Me: Tonight
WAW: Ok. Around what time?
Me: 8-9. Will you be at house?
WAW: No I wont.
Me: Ok you can come get your gifts whenever.
WAW: Ok. I accidentally left the garage overhead lights on. I'm sorry.
Me: Ok
I do not understand how leaving the garage lights on had any freaking relevance whatsoever, and why it even matters to make her feel like she needs to apologize for it. She couldn't even stick around to say Merry Christmas to my face, like what in the hell did I do so wrong to this woman? The mind of a wayward wife is so puzzling and very maddening. I am doing my best to not just say "the hell with you" cause I know this is not the woman I married and that I should stand for this marriage because it is important to me, but damn its getting hard.
First of all merry christmas, hang in there buddy!
Our WWs will act, and say a lot to keep us attached, and therefore; Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do...
Fake it till you make it, show that you are moving on with your life, even though you aren't, at least until you are ready to take the first steps. You can not control her, you shouldn't control her. She needs to discover her waywardness for herself, and that will take a very long time. Buckle up for the ride, but the ride must be about you. GAL, detach and reflect on how you can be AMOAFWL, do the 180s that you need to do, and in the end, you will be a better, stronger and happier version of yourself.
This is hard to grasp, heck, I am not there at all, however I can tell you, one way or the other, you will get through this! So get through this the most optimal way you possibly can.
I think your W is temp-checking you with the conversation you typed out. If she is not going to be there anyways, and knows that you are out when she will be coming by, then why does she need to know if you will be back? she wants you to share information about your whereabouts and plans perhaps? she wants to see see that she still has the power over you and that you are responsive to her every chit chat.. I think it is advisable to keep the conversations to a minimum, this will help you detach and thus heal faster, I know this is what I struggled with a lot in the beginning, because I kept her on this piedestal, where I would answer to her beck and call, not knowing, that it was merely her testing if I was still around as her plan B.
You are strong, you did not deserve this, however you had a part, reflect upon your relationship, 180 on the things you can change (you), and let go of what you can't (everything not related to you). Life is beautiful, life is hurt. One can not be without the other, you will be a stronger and wiser person in the end my friend.
(((hugs)))
Last edited by Hurt213; 12/26/1810:30 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
First of all merry christmas, hang in there buddy!
Our WWs will act, and say a lot to keep us attached, and therefore; Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do...
Fake it till you make it, show that you are moving on with your life, even though you aren't, at least until you are ready to take the first steps. You can not control her, you shouldn't control her. She needs to discover her waywardness for herself, and that will take a very long time. Buckle up for the ride, but the ride must be about you. GAL, detach and reflect on how you can be AMOAFWL, do the 180s that you need to do, and in the end, you will be a better, stronger and happier version of yourself.
This is hard to grasp, heck, I am not there at all, however I can tell you, one way or the other, you will get through this! So get through this the most optimal way you possibly can.
I think your W is temp-checking you with the conversation you typed out. If she is not going to be there anyways, and knows that you are out when she will be coming by, then why does she need to know if you will be back? she wants you to share information about your whereabouts and plans perhaps? she wants to see see that she still has the power over you and that you are responsive to her every chit chat.. I think it is advisable to keep the conversations to a minimum, this will help you detach and thus heal faster, I know this is what I struggled with a lot in the beginning, because I kept her on this piedestal, where I would answer to her beck and call, not knowing, that it was merely her testing if I was still around as her plan B.
You are strong, you did not deserve this, however you had a part, reflect upon your relationship, 180 on the things you can change (you), and let go of what you can't (everything not related to you). Life is beautiful, life is hurt. One can not be without the other, you will be a stronger and wiser person in the end my friend.
(((hugs)))
I am truly humbled by this board. Thank you Hurt for your words and kindness, they are truly appreciated. The support that is offered here is a true blessing. I think she was wondering when I was going to be home because she was at the house taking care of our dog while I was at my familys for the holidays, telling her when I would be there would allow her to get out of the house before I returned. but the whole apology for leaving a light on is beyond me. She is supposed to come over later tonight to pick up her gifts from my family but she hasnt reached out on when she is stopping by. We'll see how it goes.
Divorce Remedy is you playbook. Read it more than once.
Your wife is no longer attracted to you. This is issue number 1 that you have to address if you want any chance of getting her back.
She has lost respect for you. To be attracted to you, she needs to respect you.
Women are attracted to confident men. You need to project with every part of your body that you are done being with a woman that does not want to be exclusively with you. Can you do this? If so, she will respect you.
Last edited by Ready2Change; 12/27/1801:22 AM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
