13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So haven't been journaling for a couple of days, because, well I have had a blast with my kids.

The kids and I have winter holidays right now, so they have the entire week off, and we have been going to the swimming pool, been doing outdoor activities, been snuggling and reading stories, and basically just been enjoying ourselves.

It amazes me, how my oldest, my daughter, has adapted to the transition of only seeing one of us at a time. She brings up on occasion, but rarely, that mommy is not here for this or that, but its a fleeting / in the moment thought, and then she is back to being five, and is just a darling. That really comforts me.

I have been riding the roller coaster a bit the last couple of days, and I know why, so its not really a concern of mine. I do think about the whys and ifs, and I do use my stopsign technique, and I believe the reason for me being on the downer of the coaster right now is, that its holiday time, and we have been going as a family always, and now, everything is a first time new experience for me and the kids, but it is alright - at the bottom of every valley is a path that leads up towards the skies, where the sun will shine. I know this, and I allow my self to feel sad, to reflect, and I think I have been skipping out on this earlier, and now I realize its a part of my process.

Tomorrow my ex is getting the kids, and I will be going to my parents place for the remainder of the holidays, and then we are back to normal 50/50 schedule again with 1 visitation day in our off week (for me gym time with kids, yay :)).

Things are actually alright for me right now. The mind reading, and the questions I ask my self will pass (as mentioned above), and thats fine. My ex seems to be happy, and that has value to me, because despite the spite, the resentment the awful things she has done, I still care deeply for her, and in the end I want her to be happy. I have talked it through with my IC, and I am not remotely close to having forgiven her, but I will, in time - for my own sake.

I rarely hear from her when its my time with the kids, which is probably a bi-product of me not answering anything not kids related - she does however suddenly out of nowhere, with days in between, include me in her snapchats of her doing things with her girlfriends and stuf - I find it odd, and interpret it as her trying to show me, that she is not at OMs place, but she is doing something else - it doesn't matter anymore, and look at me mind reading the heck out of a couple of snapchats? .

I am gonna miss my kids SO much, but I am also looking forward to some days with golf, a trip to the cinema, gym time, and a minigolf tournament with people from the golf club this saturday. this will give me a chance to get to know some morer people from the club, and maybe get some new possibilities for acquaintances to play golf with.

/hurt

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So just a little update here on the couch before I head out with the kids.

So in a minute we will be going to a colleague of mine. She needs help assembling a new furniture, and I know how to assemble furniture, so off we go . Then later today I am handing off the kids and have a good plan for the rest of the week - look at my post above for more info.

I wasn't actually going to journal today, but then I just received a text from my ex, and first I just read it, then I read it again, and then it hit me, holy fuch this woman is something else, and that just goes to prove what the vets say about the WW's they really dont see their own actions as being wrong and they just continue on as if nothing has happened.

Here is the text, mind you, this woman cheated, lied and pulled me along for months before leaving me with our 1 and 4 year old kids. We talk in regards to activities with kids we both need to attend, and if anything has happened (I hope to expand this communication in the future, but for now, and for my healing, I am not engaging in any "social / not important" talking.

"I look SO FREAKING MUCH forward to seeing the kids!!!!!!! Is there anything I need to know? So that D5 dont have to tell everything without me knowing a little It has been really hard being away from them in the last week, so I will try to keep the tears away when I see them, just in case there is a need to distract D5 little (Heart emoji)"

Talk about sympathy hunting. Its hard? then dont go doing dumb [censored]... oh well, let it pass, let it pass... <-- Pretty sure I do not validate her feelings when they spawn from her choosing to go to OM? .

I replied "Hello. We have been to the swimming pool and the activity house with trampolines and various physical actives. See you this afternoon."

Feel better having just written this out, and now off to be the assembling furniture god aka Captain IKEA.

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

So my ex came home yesterday to get the kids, and she began crying when she entered the house, I took the kids and went to the living room so she could get a hold of herself - not that I felt sorry for her, god, I dont even know what the crying was about, but because my kids shouldn't have to see their mom like that the second she walks in, having been away for 5 days.

She got it together, and followed me around the house, asking general questions, telling me stuff, and I just kept it cordial, relaxed and listened, textbook stuff really.

I packed my stuff, had hot cocoa and marshmallows with the kids, and ex asked if she could join in, which was actually fine because my daughter loved that, and im in a good spot again emotionally, and we all just had 10 minutes of peaceful joy where d5 was being a total goofball. No expectations, no reactions, just for the kids.

I packed the rest, hugged and kissed my kids, and went to the gym. After the gym I went to visit my sister and BIL. Turns out when I walked in the door and BIL was on the phone, that one of his mates wife just told him that the marriage was off with no warning.. I just told him, that I could relate (joke in there), and that even though there was no seeming reason to her wanting out so sudden, they would be a lot wiser in 3 months time to what had caused this sudden behavior. We then had a coffee, talked about kids and I left for my parents place to sleep.

Today I hit the range practicing my swing, went horrible, but I had a good laugh, talked to some new people I haven't met before, and I gennerally am trying to be optimistic about everything, even the negatives can be turned, and I am choosing to turn the negatives. It really boosts my daily day, and my confidence level is REALLY rising right now. I have found a really good setup for my diet, which means that I am gaining rapidly, but having totally said goodbye to alcohol (I am just out of the woods, barely, according to my IC and my depression that put me in the hole, so I dont need that in my life, and I am perfectly fine going out without having to drink), and saying goodbye to junkfood as well and embracing healthy nutritious foods, has really given me the body I always wanted, and that draws attention, which I will surely act upon when I feel ready - not now, that wouldn't be fair to anyone.

Got plans for the coming days, and just hoping the house sells soon, because I need to get on with my life. I haven't given up, but I have given up - that makes no sense, but its where I am. She has a new boyfriend, she is happy. I have found myself, and I am getting where I can see myself before my depression, and I am content, happy and curious about my future.

So, I guess, the guideline of letting her do all the work has "run its course" in my sitch. She never did any, however my sitch has gone on for 8 months now, with a lot of disrespectful behavior from her part, and that was not tolerable, so I had to do some of the work: Getting the house on the market, splitting financials, ending IHS and im glad I did, because it made me so much stronger, and I realized that I will be OK.

Will me and my ex ever see each other as anything but co-parents again? I dont know, however I know that I need to step back now, I need to get my own place to live, to find myself further, and then down the road we will see.

Fact is, that I will have to be in contact with this person for the rest of my life, because we have kids, and I choose to think, that me saying goodbye now on the fight for what we were, is what will bring us together much stronger in the future, as parents, possible friends, and who knows what else.

Just a bit of thinking here on my couch.

[DejaVu6]

You sound like you are in a good place Hurt. Good for you! Re: your WW being happy... I wouldn't be too sure about that. Her crying upon entering the home tells me that all is not as solid in her mind as she wants you to think it is.

Fact is, that I will have to be in contact with this person for the rest of my life, because we have kids, and I choose to think, that me saying goodbye now on the fight for what we were, is what will bring us together much stronger in the future, as parents, possible friends, and who knows what else.

I think this is a great mindset to have and it is one I am trying to adopt myself. It does take some work but I think it is worth it... if not for me and my WAH but for our kids.

I haven't given up, but I have given up - that makes no sense, but its where I am.

It makes perfect sense to me. Isn't that the goal?

Happy Valentine's Day!!! (((HUGS)))

[AnotherStander]

Outstanding post Hurt, I like where you are headed in life! Great attitude!

[neffer]

Glad to read your last posts H! Detached and expectations under control. Great man! Keep doing that.

Hugs for you and the kids. We all know you are there for them. Keep shining there man! Be strong!

[Wanted1]

I haven't given up, but I have given up - that makes no sense, but its where I am. She has a new boyfriend, she is happy. I have found myself, and I am getting where I can see myself before my depression, and I am content, happy and curious about my future.

Makes total sense to me because that's pretty much where I am, too. I have zero expectations of this actually happening, but I wouldn't be upset if I were presented with the opportunity to make a decision whether or not I would take my WW back. Maybe that's the lack of comfort from having zero control over my situation talking......

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So today was somewhat of a test, because today I decided to accept my ex's invitation to go do something with the kids, and we all know how fantastic that turned out when we did that for my birthday in december, haha .

So I picked up my family this morning and we drove to the zoo. My kids had a wonderful day, and we laughed, smiled, and it was really a nice day. I found myself just being able to focus on what the kids wanted even though my ex was right there beside me the whole day, and that was really a good feeling. When we had seen all the animals, my ex asked if we should drive into town and have dinner since we were in the city, and d5 really wanted to so we did. In the car d5 said: (now the car is with its family again - that stung a little, but that was the only negative thing of the day for me). After having dinner, I drove them to the house, and I had time to reflect on my way home, since all 3 of them were sleeping.

I found myself having had a day, where I didn't have to pretend to be happy and content, I just was. I simply just enjoyed having an extra day with my kids, and having the possibility to take them to the zoo. I felt good, really good - My ex talked a lot, and I mostly just listened and validated and I guess that was the recipe for a good day in this new reality of not being a romantic family, but still a family .

I am going to bed tired (just hit the gym for 2 hours after dropping them off), but really happy that this trip was the complete opposite of the disaster in december .

/h

[LH19]

H,

Listen man it's not something I would do right now but all the power to you as long as you have zero expectations.

BTW you are a great poster on other people's threads. Keep moving forward!


New Thread:

13 years and 2 kids pt. 5