LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Jim1234]

I had NGS and she was a controller. Well, not anymore. Lol.

I would just caution you against taking it too far. And that's "too far" in her opinion, not yours. She could again say "this just isn't worth it." Be sure you are holding her to boundaries that are actually important to you.

[Joe2017]

Thanks for the reminder. My boundaries are more than reasonable, especially at this juncture. If they're too much for her, then she probably does need to reevaluate if she has what it takes to make this work.

[NicoleR]

Hi Joe,

I can relate to your conflicting feelings since my husband did come back the first time and I didn't trust him despite letting him back (my fault). It's truly hard to love someone the same way when you've been betrayed. It sounds like she came back recently so there's no need to rush. Maybe you could even take a little break from seeing her to think on your own. But if someone messes up and they're truly sorry and will do anything to fix it I believe they are worth a second chance after slowly earning your trust back, especially if you and your wife were doing well up she went off the deep end. The thing is there is a risk involved with taking her back, just as there is a risk with anyone, so I guess you have to be willing to accept the risk as well as manage your feelings about her betrayal in a way that doesn't repeatedly punish her forever. I kept punishing my husband for two years after he back and he was still wrong to leave again but I do believe the endless punishment reflected badly on my part and I was wrong to do that.


It's still a success story to read that your ex-wife came back and that you have the option of trying again with her. I really do hope it works out!

[Joe2017]

Thanks Nicole. I am trying hard not to continually punish her. What types of things did you find yourself doing that you felt pushed away your H? I am having difficulty communicating how my XW can improve the relationship between myself and also my son. It always leads to her feeling like I am expressing disappointment. I try my best to put things out there neutrally but she is good at picking up on what I’m saying.

I am still trying to learn how to trust her again. Like Vanilla said, I know there are some things I can trust her with but not others. But for the most part, I’m having difficulty trusting her with my heart.

[joejoe1]

Joe,

It's going to take time and patience. It's almost a year and a half and I still find it hard to trust my W sometimes. We still have trouble communicating sometimes, we have gotten a lot better, but it has been a lot of ups and downs getting to this point. The thing that got me was how I started to move on while I was DBing and once we started piecing I couldn't stop asking questions and being angry.

None of the anger or question after question session ever helped. What helped was me finding ways to move forward with my life while loving my W and while working on the M. What also helped was me being direct and open about my feelings without blaming my W.

For example. The A and thoughts of the OM makes me so mad. Instead of your affair and what you did with OM makes me so angry. The first statement is all about how I feel and not about what my W did to me.

Anothe example. I really want you to do call me when you are out because it makes you feel safe and that helps me with trust for our M. Instead of, when you go out you need to call me because I'm having a hard time trusting you. The first is about what you need and less about how you feel about her.

Time is your friend and open communication is your healer. Please find a MC that's works for you and your W. We found this one counselor is she is awesome. A good counselor will help translate you and your W emotions into words. Give adive to help strengthen you'll marriage.

Be patient, be patient. Another thing that helps is making new fun memories. Make new memories to give you and your W fresh conversation and memory pieces to talk about and build on. Do things around other healthy couples and find new events to go and explore together. Find new and fresh things to do together that you all didn't do before BD.

Onward and forward

[Joe2017]

Joejoe,

Thanks for taking the time to write that up. I remember reading your thread and praying for the same opportunity with my XW. Now that I have it, I realize that I really am a different person now after DBing. I also realize that I got over the D and I got over my XW. I just never got over the pain and resentment. I really just bottled it up because it didn’t matter anymore. But now that it DOES matter, I find that the resentment is there still. For instance, we were talking about the past (dangerous, I know) the other day and I told her that it really just makes me mad that she screwed OM in our bed in OUR house. She didn’t have anything to say, she just apologized over and over and cried. She said it was terrible and she will never stop trying to make it up to me. Not a good way to spend our time together.

So thank you for the tips. I know we need to get in to see a MC. I know that will be very important for us. I feel like if she truly is remorseful then we have a chance to build a really good relationship. I just don’t know if I am on fully on board... I have my guard up so high and I don’t know if I can let it down.

Also, our kids are both very very cautious about this too. They have both voiced concerns to us about how XW hurt everyone, and neither of them really trust her. It’s a tough spot to be in for her, and I don’t know what I can do to make things better because it isn’t easy for me to be supportive of her when I feel like she could go screw any dude out there at any given moment. I also have the gut feeling that she still loves OM, like she gave him the ILYBINILWY treatment like she did to me. I don’t have any evidence of this, I just get the feeling.

Ugh. I don’t know if this is worth it.

[Phoenix9]

Ugh. I don’t know if this is worth it.

A chance at true love (again) is always worth it. It's better than no chance at all.

If you feel like you can truly love this woman again, then it will be worth it. If you cannot, then you know what you will need to do.

[Joe2017]

Ugh. I don’t know if this is worth it.

A chance at true love (again) is always worth it. It's better than no chance at all.

If you feel like you can truly love this woman again, then it will be worth it. If you cannot, then you know what you will need to do.

Agreed. Life is about taking chances to make improvements.

I know I love her. I never quit loving her. But would it be tacky to say that I love her, but I'm not IN love with her?

At least right now.

[burned]

Joe, you are a DB god to me. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that you haven’t already heard.

You’ve acknowledged it, and I agree, that the anger and resentment is strong. It also seems like you’re dishing it out fairly heavy-handedly. Maybe think back to the beginning of your DB days and think about whether your actions reflect needs or real love. Do your actions move her closer to you or push her further away? Does her feeling guilty and crying do anything at all to make YOU feel better? Or is it really just the actual “saying it” part that helps?

If it’s the latter, then why not write it down and save it for later? There will be a time when you can tell her how you feel with the help of a professional to moderate the discussion. In the meantime it seems to me like the emotions are still too raw and are better off in the pages of a journal than getting in between you and your loving W.

Past is past. Not to invalidate your feelings, but leave them where they belong, and focus on actions you can take today based on your current reality.

[Joe2017]

Burned,

Thank you!!! You are right, I need to differentiate the reasons why I engage in the conversations with her that I do. We have already established that she can’t explain why she had an A with a literal idiot. I will never get an explanation because IT DOES NOT EXIST. Those conversations are a waste of time and hurt more than help.

I need to help make our new relationship the best that it can be if we are going to have a real chance at this. There is no timeline, and there is no rush. XW has continually said she will wait for me, and she is never going to leave no matter how long it takes for me to trust her again. Maybe I should concede some here, and allow a LITTLE bit of faith back into our relationship. I’ve been so focused on making her prove herself that maybe I haven’t given her enough credit for the things she actually HAS done.

This is all really really new to me. This is the only ex that I have ever had a second relationship with, and it’s certainly the only ex-wife I’ve ever tried this with.

OK... Faith. Let’s see where this takes us.