Last year you showed up here because your wife dropped the bomb on you, because SHE felt that you couldn't or maybe wouldn't ever change....
You walked through a schidtstorm for yourself (hopefully) , and came out the other side a different (hopefully) man...
She underestimated you huh ?
Almost a year to the day later, you are feeling that same anxiety that you felt last year at this time. Perhaps you are pushing things a bit, maybe something internally is telling you to cut this off before you get bombed again ??
Whatever the reason, remember that Anniversaries are just days that WE place expectations on...
They are just a day, to people without an emotional connection on them.
I'm pretty sure that I told you a year ago, that the old relationship is dead at the bomb, and anything anew would have to begin again from the ashes.
Yet, I see you trying to apply the rules of the old relationship into this supposed new one with her.
What you expect, what you need, who you are...
All different because you (hopefully) ARE different. And hopefully she is different too.
How could those things possibly co-exist ???
How could the "old" rules still apply, never mind be relevant.
Piecing is hard dude, one of the hardest things you will ever do. Many people have come through here, outlasted the crisis, and not made it through the piecing process....
How much of your feelings are you actually communicating?
Because it reads like much of the past few months, has been assumed....
IF......you are truly piecing, and both have committed to the relationship, then it wouldn't be viewed as a "temp check" at that point. It wouldn't be viewed as initiating a relationship talk. It would be viewed as simply having a conversation about your future together.
Stop trying to define what this is for now...
If something isn't working for you, then find out why, and communicate that to her...
Don't give her the same bomb that she gave you last year.
You were blindsided ?? as I recall ???
She deserves better than that....
Don't ever assume what she is, or isn't capable of...
Cause if you do...
That is you, underestimating her this time....
I asked you a few months ago about the Social media thing....
Last year you showed up here because your wife dropped the bomb on you, because SHE felt that you couldn't or maybe wouldn't ever change....
You walked through a schidtstorm for yourself (hopefully) , and came out the other side a different (hopefully) man...
She underestimated you huh ?
Not sure. Maybe a little. I think that for 8-10 weeks she was so wayward that she just didn't care. If I DB'd, if I didn't, she couldn't see through her fog to care. I think she underestimated how much time and space would give her the perspective that maybe things on her own wouldn't be so great. Going to work everyday. Not being able to afford the things she wants. I think all of that played into it. I guess the question I still have is did she stay to be with me or to enjoy all that I have to offer. She did an internet search during her waywardness., something like "My husband is a catch, so why am I unhappy". It yielded interesting results BTW.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Almost a year to the day later, you are feeling that same anxiety that you felt last year at this time. Perhaps you are pushing things a bit, maybe something internally is telling you to cut this off before you get bombed again ??
The fear of ever getting bombed again is always present. I don't think the anniversary of the BD is what causes that fear. I think the question I asked above, about why she stayed, is more the genesis of that fear.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Whatever the reason, remember that Anniversaries are just days that WE place expectations on...
They are just a day, to people without an emotional connection on them.
I'm pretty sure that I told you a year ago, that the old relationship is dead at the bomb, and anything anew would have to begin again from the ashes.
Yet, I see you trying to apply the rules of the old relationship into this supposed new one with her.
What you expect, what you need, who you are...
All different because you (hopefully) ARE different. And hopefully she is different too.
How could those things possibly co-exist ???
Great point Mach. While I know the old relationship is gone, I can never forget the learning and feelings that came from MR 1.0. Maybe those sometime cloud my judgement in MR 2.0. Or give me unrealistic expectations. I know this, I am a way better man than I was a year ago, and that man will not settle for the dynamics of the old relationship.
Originally Posted by Mach1
How could the "old" rules still apply, never mind be relevant.
Piecing is hard dude, one of the hardest things you will ever do. Many people have come through here, outlasted the crisis, and not made it through the piecing process....
How much of your feelings are you actually communicating?
Not much since I am still discovering these feelings, what they mean, etc. One of my big fears was that I was becoming wayward. I have been open about how I 5-7 years ago I was pretty open to the idea of an affair. Almost went down that road. Some of those old feelings were returning. YOu know, the grass is greener feelings. Luckily I controlled those, voiced them here, and got the support and 2x4s I was looking for! Now I am back to the self-discovery phase. Reading, studying, and understanding. Can't share outside sources here but I have found some great books related to my feelings. And they have been very helpful.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Because it reads like much of the past few months, has been assumed....
IF......you are truly piecing, and both have committed to the relationship, then it wouldn't be viewed as a "temp check" at that point. It wouldn't be viewed as initiating a relationship talk. It would be viewed as simply having a conversation about your future together.
Stop trying to define what this is for now...
If something isn't working for you, then find out why, and communicate that to her...
I am still in the "find out why" phase.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Don't give her the same bomb that she gave you last year.
That is my goal!
Originally Posted by Mach1
You were blindsided ?? as I recall ???
Just for clarity, I had discovered her EA and I was the one that initiated BD. The blindside portion was, unlike my confronting her in 2005, she immediately said "I don't want to be married anymore". That was the blindside. But yes your overall point still stands!
Originally Posted by Mach1
She deserves better than that....
Agreed, 100%.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Don't ever assume what she is, or isn't capable of...
Cause if you do...
That is you, underestimating her this time....
Well stated. And duly noted.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I asked you a few months ago about the Social media thing....
If you build it, they will come...
Lemme know...
I don't remember this, can you refresh my memory?
As always Mach, I love your posts! So thought-provoking. I appreciate the time you put into this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just wanted to let you know your thread has been helping me through my sitch. I am having many of the same things going through my head. I feel like I will never be able to give my XW 100% of me again. Maybe 80-90% one day? I dunno. Maybe I just keep this BF/GF thing going on as long as possible.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I have been offline for the holidays and have avoided a computer. You know I am in the same boat after 7-8 months, but much less piecing as long as you. You also know my W is a nut bag.
I don't see all of the research into how you are feeling, etc etc. Maybe you have looked at the whole M and you W and realized that she is not what's best for you? I said before and I feel like how can we ever be happy with someone that has exposed us to so much hate and pain in our lives? I love my kids and would never do something to hurt them intentionally for any reason...how can a spouse do that? Just because their needs werent being met? Its a cop out and a sign of week morals and integrity.
My W is still pressing me and says everything will be ok but is back to wanting to sweep it under the rug until she is ready. No way! She has shown me what my true value is and I'm sorry at this point I am open to other offers.
I have interacted with a few other women who have known me before and see me now and said they think the type of man and father I am is sexy and respectable. I look at friends whose M are similar to mine yet these issues haven't existed so I say why am I doing a 180 when so much damage has been done. I never strayed, was always a good husband and father and am sticking to that. Yeah I need to tweek a few things but I want a woman and a R where I am respected. I just dont see that happening with a WW who does not have those feelings for herself.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Just wanted to let you know your thread has been helping me through my sitch. I am having many of the same things going through my head. I feel like I will never be able to give my XW 100% of me again. Maybe 80-90% one day? I dunno. Maybe I just keep this BF/GF thing going on as long as possible.
Glad to hear it, Joe! I guess giving 100% is less my problem as much as I started feeling like he grass is greener elsewhere. I think the stress and fatigue of the last year started to make me slip into a walkaway mentality. I started to relate to how she was feeling a year ago. I would say, from my experience, to focus on the positives she brings to the relationship. The other thing I've started doing is, since her LL is words of affirmation, I found a 100+ things all wives want to hear, and I've been using them, at least the ones I really feel, to provide affirmation to her. You need to find out what her primary LL is and make sure you are filling her love tank.
Concentrate on you, and what you can do. Don't try to fix her or the relationship.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have been offline for the holidays and have avoided a computer. You know I am in the same boat after 7-8 months, but much less piecing as long as you. You also know my W is a nut bag.
I don't see all of the research into how you are feeling, etc etc. Maybe you have looked at the whole M and you W and realized that she is not what's best for you? I said before and I feel like how can we ever be happy with someone that has exposed us to so much hate and pain in our lives? I love my kids and would never do something to hurt them intentionally for any reason...how can a spouse do that? Just because their needs werent being met? Its a cop out and a sign of week morals and integrity.
My W is still pressing me and says everything will be ok but is back to wanting to sweep it under the rug until she is ready. No way! She has shown me what my true value is and I'm sorry at this point I am open to other offers.
I have interacted with a few other women who have known me before and see me now and said they think the type of man and father I am is sexy and respectable. I look at friends whose M are similar to mine yet these issues haven't existed so I say why am I doing a 180 when so much damage has been done. I never strayed, was always a good husband and father and am sticking to that. Yeah I need to tweek a few things but I want a woman and a R where I am respected. I just dont see that happening with a WW who does not have those feelings for herself.
lost, just keep your focus on you. the 180s are great no matter what you decide about your M and your W. Stay or leave, you need to be the best lost8 you can be! This is where my focus is. My MR will either be saved or it won't. I don't have a say fully in that. But what I can do is focus on me. Focus on what is right (this is a big one for me). And just keep flowing forward. I can't change her. I can eventually decide I won't put up with certain things, but I can continue to focus on me. My changes. My boundaries. Etc.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I guess the question I still have is did she stay to be with me or to enjoy all that I have to offer.
I've had the same thoughts. It goes back to your whole struggle, and that is based off of rebuilding trust. Trust requires you to balance your logic and emotion here. Sounds like our whole life struggle.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Steve, we've missed you. I posted on your thread in the Piecing Forum. I think it is important to read the stickies in Piecing, if you haven't.
Thanks. I will do that!
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Quote
I guess the question I still have is did she stay to be with me or to enjoy all that I have to offer.
I've had the same thoughts. It goes back to your whole struggle, and that is based off of rebuilding trust. Trust requires you to balance your logic and emotion here. Sounds like our whole life struggle.
Good point. I remember a line from the Queensryche song "I Don't Believe In Love".
She said she loved me I guess I never knew But do we ever Ever really know?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not much since I am still discovering these feelings, what they mean, etc. One of my big fears was that I was becoming wayward. I have been open about how I 5-7 years ago I was pretty open to the idea of an affair. Almost went down that road. Some of those old feelings were returning. YOu know, the grass is greener feelings. Luckily I controlled those, voiced them here, and got the support and 2x4s I was looking for! Now I am back to the self-discovery phase. Reading, studying, and understanding. Can't share outside sources here but I have found some great books related to my feelings. And they have been very helpful.
As I read this, it makes me wonder if YOU were ready for such a quick turnaround.
Whether or not you really wanted this..
Were ready if it did happen.
You have had 2 start and stops in the past few years that have turned around quickly.
And I wonder if either of you really put the "work" in, to understand what being in a relationship really, deeply means.
To some extent, I saw you start it, however...
Just when your "good stuff" was beginning to happen, here she is again, wanting a relationship that she really has no idea how to facilitate.
You were shell shocked both times and were just beginning to find out who you were without all of the clutter (at least this time) when she started pursuing you.
So here you were, willing to accept what she was asking because it seemed right in the moment. It didn't cause you to change much except your 180's and little things that didn't "rock your world" relationship wise.
You were willing to sell yourself, just be able to say that you were still married...
When a person goes through a situation like this, they grow in areas that are light years ahead of the WAS when they return.
With you ??
I almost feel that is was work interrupted...maybe twice, if you went through this process the first time...
If I were to ask you what "love" meant to you, what would your answer be ???
If I were to ask you what you the difference is between "love" and "obligation" was, what would you say ???
If I were to ask you what reconciliation looked like, what would your answer be ???
If I were to ask you how will you know when you get there ??
How do you stay there ??
If I were to ask you, what defines Steve as a man , what would you say ??
And I know the standard internet versions of the answers. I want your answer, what you want, need, seek that is relevant to your thoughts , goals, morals....
What you want to teach your daughter....
Cause if you don't know the answers to the hard questions, you will never get through the "find out why" phase....
