TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

In the previous episode:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2830853&page=11

First thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2800548&page=11

Starting new thread here!

[TJT]

If you feel like you simply have to acknowledge receipt of a payment for documentation, then make it as businessy and impersonal as possible. I also suggest email instead of text.

"Received your transfer of $14.99 on 11/01/2018. It was applied towards the $188.54 Visa bill for the month of November 2018."

Don't engage in anything more than that. He could very well say ”Happy New Year” or "Thanks, I hope you're doing good." My XW tried that, but in my mind my return address was always [e-mail].

Well, that's the "easy" thing about my sitch I guess. H doesn't ever try to do any temp checking, at least not up to this point. He's very much got the "business only" thing down from his side so that makes it a lot easier for me to follow suit.

In this case I won't even bother with any response then to the transfer. I didn't for the other ones either, so will just keep on keepin' on.

I hope one day I do have a chance to respond to a temp check. Temp checks, while just temp checks, are technically a good sign, right? I'm kinda sad that people talk about their spouses temp checking and that's never happened with my H I know I do need to be prepared for if/when it comes though so that I don't get too excited and do the wrong thing.

[Joe2017]

Well, it depends on the context of the temp check. They are gauging your status, regardless.

In my experience temp checks fall into two categories:
- Are they still emotionally attached to me? (control)
- Are they available to me? (plan B)

You are probably best served by disregarding both. I went extreme NC during my D. I think my ratio was like 10:1 text messages, with responses only being about business and kids. The control temp checks eventually died off when she never got a response to the temp check or the ensuing hate messages.

About 6 months after the D was final I started getting the plan b temp checks. She was trying to see if I was an option. These coincided with times in which she was realizing that OM was a mistake. One time it was when she decided to cheat on OM to try and force him out of her life. Can you imagine what hell it would have caused me if I had fallen for that????!!? I also ignored all of these plan b checks (the toaster oven story was a plan b temp check).

I never responded until she sent me an apology, 100% unsolicited, with no guarantee that I would accept the apology. Seriously, I ingored her for nearly an entire year. An "I'm sorry." by itself was not going to cut it.

So are temp checks good? They're not good or bad. You just have to know what they are and what the intent behind them is, as well as how you should respond (or not).

[TJT]

Hmm. Okay, thanks Joe. In my opinion they basically seem bad then, in terms of showing real hope for progress with your spouse, since the drivers (control or plan B) are both negative and not basis for building a healthy relationship again. Although... I guess if they temp check and don't get the response they wanted, it could catalyze them changing their behavior. So you're right then, not good or bad per se, just have to know what to do and see whether it impacts anything or not.

Today was decent. I've been pretty good at putting my H's actions into perspective as if I was a third party, like I just suggested burned do on his thread. I think me doing all the "right" things in terms of not being vindictive and nasty and knowing I'm doing everything I can to save the marriage is paying off at least a little bit, here. It's starting to give me the teeniest peace of mind that no matter what they are doing, they look kinda crazy and stupid while I'm over here surviving and doing the best I can to be loving and committed and as healthy a person as I can possibly be in a time like this. Even when I don't feel good about everything and that none of that matters, I still know it's true. That's the good thing about having integrity!

I've also not given in to checking anything anymore despite all that stuff that sent me into a spiral the other day (I know it's only been probably exactly one full day, maybe two). I've definitely wanted to but I am getting more and more bought-in and committed to building my mental strength through ignorance of his world. I can tell how it does help me detach.

I have felt pretty lonely and purposeless, in general. Just not super "excited" about anything and still wishing I had H here to share things with. But I'm not distraught, and I know I've been here before and have come crashing down again before and I probably will again...but let's see how long I can sail for now

Will be getting ready for my trip on Sunday and we'll see how that impact things! Looking forward to it (again, I wouldn't say "excited" because I do have a healthy dose of anxiety to go with it too).

[Phoenix9]

T,

Do you know how I was able to determine if my WW was temp checking me? With some guidance from this board, I learned that any "praise", "checking in", "wanting to just talk", "have dinner with the family", and so on is just the WS gauging how you would react if they did any of the above.

Just remember the responses you need to give if they ask or tell you:

Praise - "Thanks!"

Checking on you - "Great!" or "I'm good"

Wanting to just talk - Keep it as short as possible and you end the conversation first.

Have dinner with the family - Don't. This was one cake-eating stunt my WW pulled on me two weeks ago. It was after I saw Sandi's response basically stating that the WS is basically keeping you hooked as a plan B when she pulls this.

I'm sure folks can provide other examples of temp checking, but the bottom line is the same - They're checking how attached you still are to them.

[Joe2017]

Just adding on to Phoenix's post, the "I just wanna talk" messages came to me aplenty. At first I fell for it. It never ended well, which led to my strict NC boundaries. She would continue to send me the "Can I have one minute?" Or "It's important, it will just take a moment" messages for a while.

I didn't respond to those because:

A) If it's THAT important, put it in the message.
B) If it will only take a minute, put it in the message.

I would not be concerned with not getting temp checked. I think you know you just need to push forward with the process. It's actually easier with less interaction.

I know you miss him, but he's not the same person anymore. And TBH, when this is all over you won't be the same person anymore either. You'll be a smarter, wiser, stronger, and more confident version of you.

[DejaVu6]

TJT.

Great post on Burn’s thread. I can tell you are doing a lot of thinking and you give great advice and have a really good handle on things. It is amazing how clearly we see things in other people’s sitchs but struggle to do the things we know we need to do in our own. I know that even though my PMA is improving at a good pace, I have been pretty bad at DBing. I’ve initiated way too many R discussions and I feel that a few things I’ve done pushed my H to move forward at a faster pace than he might have if I had just gone NC (as much as possible with kids anyway) and just given him the space to do his own thing. Have you read the quotes threads? There are some real gems on there...including the quote from AS about the stages the LBS goes through. I found it really helpful and am striving to make it to stage 9 by then end of this year. Whether the other stages happen in my sitch is irrelevant because I know i will be okay by the time I really get to 9 anyway. You will be too. Just like Joe says... you will be a smarter, wiser, stronger and more confident version of you. I can’t wait to read your posts in a year. You will truly be AWOAFWL.

[TJT]

Thanks everyone.

I really don't see my H ever reaching out to me "just to talk". That kind of seems out of character for him even before all this. Not that he hasn't gotten good at surprising me! But I think that's part of the problem, and why I really fear even if he regrets this that he won't tell me. He avoids and buries/internalizes. And I get that that's not the kind of person I want to be with anyway if he hasn't fixed that.

So I guess ultimately if he does reach out to talk, I would take that as a change in itself .. and tread slowly, but definitely at least to see where he's going with it, keeping in mind what to do if it turns into something that's just a temp check vs. an actual meaningful conversation.

I'm interested to see what differences there may be (if any) between temp checks from H's and those from W's.

I do miss him, tons. I am starting to feel like it is more of death, at least for this moment. For example, there's a blanket he used to use that I haven't washed, and I used it the other day and could smell him on it. At first I thought this would be bad bad bad! Wash it away! But it actually didn't both me too much. I was sad about it but not like upset in desperation that I didn't have him close to me. I guess it was a low key acceptance of sorts. Or maybe just a way for me to feel like I still had part of him? That's an interesting thought...

I will try to just keep being mindful of what's bothering me or holding me back and what's not, and if stuff like that starts to mess with my head I will take care of it.

DV, I like to acknowledge that while it's easy for me to give advice to others, I still don't know all the exact details and behaviors that went on in everyone's Rs. We only know what's posted here and what we can read into from that. So I like to think I had valid points, but that element of context is also what makes it difficult for me to apply it to myself... when you take things at face value everything seems pretty simple, but knowing all the nuances of my own sitch, I can justify things a million different directions until I'm just dizzy and don't know which way is up anymore and become thoroughly confused.

I guess this is where it would nice to be the type of person that just has a total zero tolerance for things like cheating and could actually feel good about walking away just for that reason. Sure it makes me feel like a good person to have empathy for what H may be going through and still value him as a person even if he makes mistakes or goes a little crazy, but I know we all put ourselves at a level of risk being that gracious, too. Such a fine balance.

Anyway... about to go do some "me" stuff to prep fro my trip today. Glad I have some things to keep me busy!

[Yail]

I'm interested to see what differences there may be (if any) between temp checks from H's and those from W's.

I think this is mostly a personality type thing. Its seems I see on here a lot more WWs than WHs doing temp checks. But in my sitch, that's not the case as I haven't had a single temp check from W. I think it's just different, and I don't/wouldn't put too much stock in if it "means" anything.

I think it also has to do with the persuit/distance dynamic (this thread). Many times women are the persuers, but certainly not always. My W is not, she would lean more towards a distancer.

At least it's easier on us to not have a rollercoaster if they don't temp check. I'll take that as a benefit.

[Cadet]

TJT Becoming a "MFS"

Someone is asking me what does MFS stand for?

Anyone able to tell me?