Okay, well W has been sick for the last week. Not sure if it was what I had because she had a fever and I never did. D19 is still back from college and life has been being put back together from the holidays.
At the onset of her illness W had an angry outburst of sorts.
I in an effort to clean up some finances took the initiative to pay some bills. Mostly my bills some that serve the whole clan. I had just gotten a nice check and I also want to keep my stuff in good shape especially in the event that I may become suddenly single. W realizes this and because she usually pays most bills decides while I'm out, to write a nasty note along with a budget for next month with alications and place it on my bed in the MBR. Once discovering, this really pissed me off because I don't need to be told where I can spend money and I don't appreciate this immature form of communication. I think she may have seen 5K missing and instead of inquiring, just jumped to conclusions. I didn't deserve it. I confronted her and handed her back her little budget. It got a little heated but not too bad. Remember she was feverous and bedridden. For the next few days, I checked in occasional and asked if W needed anything. It was difficult to tell if the looks were just nasty because of harboring anger or due to the illness but I didn't really care. There was no shame in my game and I extended the same compassion that she extended to me when I was sick. Ultimately achieving what I had hoped to achieve by confronting her about a sexless marriage. I stuck my foot down. Didn't respond to her trying to control me with nasty attitude and looks. I was differentiated.
Devine Intervention? Perhaps. Actually, I believe it is all divine intervention. Either way, this turn of events has given cause to pause and consider my next action. As of now, I am still leaning toward confronting W about not wanting to stay in a sexless marriage. During our above-mentioned argument, W said, "I need..." at which I responded, "What about my needs?". But no details were discussed.
Anyway, I replaced her expensive, hard to find windshield wiper blades and with her recovery, she seems to have cooled her jets. This is the first time in many months that she has expressed anger. I'm sure the sickness didn't help and I am going to reserve judgment due to the illness. I will note that when and if we reach the point, W needs to work on this harboring of anger.
For others here, you may be used to a W that holds a grudge for several days. For the first decade of my MR, I never experienced this. At least not openly. Anyway, it is only recent years and is still unfamiliar. Meaning I never felt "In the dog house". I guess W was processing anger in more covert ways. So W has left her sickbed and started to join me again for evening TV. Sometimes she comes and sleeps. BTW, I have never known W to be this sick. Whatever bugs are going around have kicked our butts.
So Sandi, not much happening in the Sexless marriage confrontation conversation.
I appreciate all the advice from everyone. I have taken it into consideration and much of it is what I had already been thinking. The time hasn't simply been right and I have been working on stuff outside of the MR. Enjoying time with D's and being my own man. lol
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I confronted her and handed her back her little budget. It got a little heated but not too bad. Remember she was feverous and bedridden.
Yes she was, and I'm wondering why in the world you decided that was a good time to confront her! I think it's in DR but Michele talks about dispute resolution in one of her books, and discusses good times versus bad times to bring up potentially volatile issues. You know your W's mood cycles. Like maybe she's a morning person. Or maybe she hates mornings but is very mellow in the afternoons. Whatever it is, you already know good times versus bad times to have those convos, use that knowledge. But definitely don't hit her with that stuff when she's sick, wait until she's feeling better.
AnotherStander, she was sick for a week. The issue was time sensitive. I have no regrets.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So D19 goes back to school Sunday. I love seeing her, I'm glad to see her return. I'm also ready for high school to start up again and D16 can return to her regular schedule. W is still on the mend from her cold or Flu.
I will start back up with the touch charges. Unless something changes I plan to wait for the right time and in an as none threatening way as possible, I will tell her that I don't intend to stay in a sexless marriage forever. I don't want it to be a threatening ultimatum, but I will give it until the end of the year. I'm not sure if I will offer this deadline up without her asking. Then I will STFU. I will listen and validate.
Things are much better but this is no "new normal" that I want to be a part of indefinitely. It's not all about the sex, it's about taking charge and putting a foot down too. I have demonstrated a lot of change over an extended time. I know she sees it. I do resent these little tactics thought to control me, like her nasty note and withholding sex. I don't need controlling. Regardless of what she decides, she will have to learn to communicate like an adult.
One dynamic that I have really begun to notice, is that both my MIL and SIL wear the pants in their respective relationships. Their Hs wait for instructions. Seek approval. Whatever works for them.
My W has always said and demonstrated that she appreciates an alpha. With me, she got an alpha that is a good cook knows how to sow and couldn't care less about football. Over the last few years, she has become more independent and I have embraced and encouraged it. But I'm not a beta. I have acted like one especially upon BD, but I really realized this once I got my mojo back. This is my unapologetic natural state. I will not be tippy-toeing around this W or any other's optimal time to confront. I won't be manipulated by some "stink eye" or attitude. Guys, this kind of manipulation is Relationship Abuse. My W wouldn't want it. She is allowed to get angry. My response and lack of emotional reaction is just what I think needs to happen more often.
Wish me luck. I am in no hurry but I plan is to do this by months end.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
"And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been." —Rainer Maria Rilke
I read this in a Psychology article and thought of this group. As every day brings opportunity, a new year brings closure on the last year and promises of change and new ways.
I know that during my darkest days of DB the thing that helped the most was stopping and breathing an reminding myself that if I could just make it through that day, that tomorrow would be different. Most of the time it was different. We strive to work on ourselves and to captain our interactions with our spouses. Not controlling the outcomes but in exercising our self-control. How we respond and don't react. Self-differentiation is a better attitude than No Expectations. We are human and will always have expectations. Our attachment to these expectations is where we gain control. Not of our WAW/WW, not of our MR but of our own emotional state.
Anyway, no new updates here. I have continued to ponder my intentions to communicate to my W that I don't intend to remain in a sexless marriage indefinitely. Both the pros and cons. There is no hurry and "the how" is more important than the "what" that I say. IMO I will look for an opportunity to use the touch charges. It has turned out to be challenging after so many months.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I can only imagine where you are mentally after going at this sitch for as long as you have. That sounds draining. By draining, I mean emotionally tiring. But hopefully you aren't too emotionally attached right now and can find some happiness elsewhere and allow yourself to think through this on how you want to act. You don't sound super fired up, but I can tell you don't want to remain in this sexless marriage. And not only that, not having sex means you aren't connecting on an emotional level too, so I'm sure that's part of your frustration.
Which reminds me, those touch charges...I think that's a great way to take the bull by the horns and spur some positive emotions in both of you. Anything else you can think of? What's her LL?
Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I will tell her that I don't intend to stay in a sexless marriage forever. I don't want it to be a threatening ultimatum, but I will give it until the end of the year. I'm not sure if I will offer this deadline up without her asking. Then I will STFU. I will listen and validate.
Do you mean you will confront her about the SSM and then give her to the end of the year to change it? Man, you have a lot of patience! I'm sure you've heard that women need to make up before they want to have sex. Men want to have sex in order to make up. That situation can become the stand off throughout the M, b/c each spouse is waiting on the other one to make the necessary moves.
It kind of sounds like your plan is to lay it out to her that you aren't going to stay in a sexless M forever, and then wait for her to deliver. I have two thoughts about it. One is that it may shock her a little to be approached with a blunt statement of this sort. Frankly, I don't think it is a bad thing to do, b/c we women tend to think we control how much sex the M has. Sorry to say that there are some who don't really understand or care to consider what it does to a man to go without it for long periods of time. Maybe she needs that frank realization to hit her in the face that you don't have to live without sex, and you won't. As long as you realize the risk involved in making that statement to her.
My second thought is about what you do after making that statement. If you have the idea you'll tell her, and then you'll sit and wait on her to initiate sex.......you may be waiting a longer time than you thought. That sit and wait on her attitude can result in building a higher barrier between the two of you.
I want to encourage you to think of ways of breaking this down as you try to reach your main goal of having a M with sex. I've already suggested to start giving non-sexual touches, and that was around the first of December. Here it is eight days into a new year, and you are still waiting for the right opportunity. Come on, RR!! The woman was sick in bed, and you couldn't touch her face to see if she felt too warm, or pat her shoulder when you went to check on her? This isn't good. It means you've gone so long with no type of physical touch that it may well affect the ability to ease back into showing any physical affection. I mean, I understand how a couple gets to this point of no type of touching, but it is really sad and it often reflects their relationship, IMO. You're making this harder than necessary.
So, I'm saying here that you need to take the lead. You say you are an alpha male, and I'm glad to hear it. My dad was an alpha who knew how to cook a few things and he was not a football fan either. Take the initiative to touch her. I doubt she's going to slap you. If you are watching tv and she enters the room, pat the seat beside you and say, "Come over and sit by me, Good Looking". Keep things light and cheery. A woman isn't going to want to make love if there is always tension or coldness between you. You don't have to jump into being a Romeo. Start by consistently trying to have a pleasant, relaxed, atmosphere. Do you have a pet name for her? Are you still calling her by that pet name? If not, then try it. Are the two of you doing activities together? Why not plan to take her somewhere that will just be a day of fun? No emotional pressures applied......just two people having fun and enjoying each other. These are not hard, and sometimes it can be something little that can start to draw the couple closer. But you've got to put in the effort. You can't just say you aren't going to stay in a SSM and then sit down and wait.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
