M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
You are right, some girls are easier than others. My W has never had an orgasm through intercourse. And due to the "pressure" she has trouble through other modes of stimulation. Mechanical means is so intense that it is able to get through all of that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One thing that has continually come up in this DB process and in my sitch is that I believe that one thing that attracted my W and I together was Mutual Emotional Unavailability.
I had several options at the time that my wife and I took a friendship intimate and one girl was really pursuing me hard. This drove me away. My W just enjoyed my company and the only way that I knew she liked me was when I heard about the stories she told friends when she was out with the girls. I also didn't require much emotionally from her. I knew that she didn't share her feelings which was a blessing and a curse. I should have been more concerned.
Two sick puppies? Perhaps.
Upon initial BD and discovery of her EA I was ready to fix things and get all cuddly etc. She wasn't there. Which really hurt because I had read the dialogs she had had with OM.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
After our Monday morning R talk and me saying that I didn't intend to stay in a sexless marriage indefinitely. Long day and bible study I come home just before bedtime. We catch up and all is pleasant like nothing ever happened. W asked if she could use my car for carpool in the morning because the usual SUV was out of gas. I agreed and went to bed. In the morning I get up as usual and make us both coffee. I stay in my MBR as W gets ready for her day. Usually, unless she has business to discuss she just yells up the stairs that she is leaving and to have a good day.
I have to admit that this morning I was contemplating saying something to the effect that "I guess we need to discuss how this is going to work." In new fashion, I decided not to.
So W comes up and in a sweeter than normal voice thanks me for the use of my car and compliments the ride. Says that she is going and appears to be temp taking me. I act normal.
What does this all mean? Who knows? At least I fell like I was heard and she may have thought about things. Most of the time I feel like stuff either hits her as good or bad and she just gets busy with tasks without spending any time contemplating much.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
One thing that has continually come up in this DB process and in my sitch is that I believe that one thing that attracted my W and I together was Mutual Emotional Unavailability.
Well, that's fine in a dating relationship. It is also the thing to do when a LBS is detaching from a wayward spouse. However, in a healthy MR, both spouses should have a warm, loving, intimate, emotional connection. Some H's may feel connected by having sex, whereas, some W's need to feel emotionally connected in order to desire a sexual relationship. For the W, sex is the expression of her emotional connection to her H.
Once there has been a commitment to work on the MR, you stop detaching and start building an emotional connection with your spouse. I'm not talking about becoming emotionally dependent. I'm not implying you smother her. I'm talking about you being available for your spouse's emotional needs. If you are unavailable to your W's emotional needs, then she is not going to feel intimately connected to you. Maybe.....just maybe, that's why she didn't feel that she got more from having sex. A wife wants to feel that emotional connection when making love with her H.
I'm not suggesting you are in the piecing stage, b/c you aren't, IMHO. However, I want you to understand that when you are reconciling and preparing to enter into the piecing stage, you should not intentionally be emotionally unavailable to your spouse. In order to piece the MR back to a healthy place, you have to get back that emotional connection to each other. You go from detaching to connecting.
When you feel the time is right, I encourage you to consider talking to your W and ask her if she can commit to working on the MR. If she wants to know what that includes, then that's the time to express what you need from her, in order to piece the M back together. If she won't agree and/or refuses to commit, then end the conversation.
I know it's frustrating having a spouse who won't talk, but don't try to speak for her. You do a lot of mind reading, which is probably b/c she won't communicate. (I have a spouse who doesn't talk, so I understand.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
After our Monday morning R talk and me saying that I didn't intend to stay in a sexless marriage indefinitely. Long day and bible study I come home just before bedtime. We catch up and all is pleasant like nothing ever happened. W asked if she could use my car for carpool in the morning because the usual SUV was out of gas. I agreed and went to bed. In the morning I get up as usual and make us both coffee. I stay in my MBR as W gets ready for her day. Usually, unless she has business to discuss she just yells up the stairs that she is leaving and to have a good day.
I have to admit that this morning I was contemplating saying something to the effect that "I guess we need to discuss how this is going to work." In new fashion, I decided not to.
So W comes up and in a sweeter than normal voice thanks me for the use of my car and compliments the ride. Says that she is going and appears to be temp taking me. I act normal.
What does this all mean? Who knows? At least I fell like I was heard and she may have thought about things. Most of the time I feel like stuff either hits her as good or bad and she just gets busy with tasks without spending any time contemplating much.
RR I think you are right, this is a temp-check. I know early on in my sitch, anytime I expressed and/or enforced a boundary. Or I got really good at detaching, my W would do things like this. Come up and say hi or goodbye and give me a kiss. Or start a discussion about something that was planning for the future. I think she started to think about what she was potentially losing and, at least, temporarily start doing and saying things to try to "fix" things.
You gave a boundary (no SSM), she sees that as you starting to look at moving on. She is going to do things to try to give you hope.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You gave a boundary (no SSM), she sees that as you starting to look at moving on. She is going to do things to try to give you hope.
BINGO! She wants to see how serious I am. How things are going to be. I think she also wants to let me know that she heard what I said. I already let her know that I not pouting.
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Well, that's fine in a dating relationship. It is also the thing to do when a LBS is detaching from a wayward spouse. However, in a healthy MR, both spouses should have a warm, loving, intimate, emotional connection. Some H's may feel connected by having sex, whereas, some W's need to feel emotionally connected in order to desire a sexual relationship. For the W, sex is the expression of her emotional connection to her H.
I'm not suggesting you are in the piecing stage, b/c you aren't, IMHO. However, I want you to understand that when you are reconciling and preparing to enter into the piecing stage, you should not intentionally be emotionally unavailable to your spouse. In order to piece the MR back to a healthy place, you have to get back that emotional connection to each other. You go from detaching to connecting.
I realize this. Especially after yesterday. But this is a dance that we have done for over two decades. It's what W is comfortable with because it's familiar. I believe she fears a change will forfeit her control. IMO
Time will tell.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So explain something to me. You said you gave no SSM as a boundary. Just how do you plan to enforce it? It sounds more like an ultimatum, IMHO. An ultimatum is where you leave no options for the other person. They either do what you want or you're gone. I'm not saying you are wrong to give an ultimatum, I'm just saying I don't think it is a boundary. But you can enlighten me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So explain something to me. You said you gave no SSM as a boundary. Just how do you plan to enforce it? It sounds more like an ultimatum, IMHO. An ultimatum is where you leave no options for the other person. They either do what you want or you're gone. I'm not saying you are wrong to give an ultimatum, I'm just saying I don't think it is a boundary. But you can enlighten me.
As usual, sandi is spot on. That was my bad, sandi. I called it a boundary. I agree it is an ultimatum.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
