The A is not the way out and that is very hurtful and wrong.
But, I would just take the focus off of her and see what you can do for yourself to grow. I think your admissions are actually honorable, most men stay in denial, like my ex, or just don't see it, but you do. You really have that going for you. This could change your life and future for the better.
Ginger (and TJT, and everyone else actually), I want you to know that you're really helping me. I mean it. It's solid-gold advice and I'm glad you're here providing it. I lash out, and I get defensive, and that means that you're hitting me where I need to be hit. But dear lord does it hurt. I flip back and forth on everything. Blame myself, I'm the worst ever! Blame her, she's the worst ever! Neither is true.
I don't think there's anyone except you all here who understand the gruesome, vomit-inducing pain that goes with the feeling of "If only I had one more chance." It's grief like I've never felt before. I know people here say "There might be one more chance" but I've given up entirely on that kind of hope. She isn't part of my life anymore. We're just sorting out the pieces so that we can both leave each other alone.
Originally Posted by MoveFrwd
Unfortunately, the misery wont end just because the marriage will. It's up to you to take control of your own happiness and your own self. I feel like I already know the answer....but how is your GAL going?
It's not going. You know me too well.
I'm in a really bad place right now. It's dark here, and scary. And I've fallen back on my old coping strategy, which is..."complain about it enough and see if someone else will fix it for you."
Nope. It's up to me now.
Sound familiar? Sigh...try again, Burned, never stop trying.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
it's on you to fuel your detachment and make it happen. Can you honestly say you've been working at detaching? Your BD and mine were close together and you've been physically separated for a bit. What needs to happen for you to start detaching?
What do you do when you start to think of her? How have you grown your friends and support group? You need to find a new distraction or 3 to take up the mental space you used to devote to your W. Stop delaying!!!!!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
yes - it’s dark and scary but remember, your W may have put you in that hole, but you have the strength and the resouces to find your way out. I don’t even think it is her pulling you back in anymore - it is you. You fear the unknown more than you dislike the hole you are in. You fear not wanting to be with her because once you let go, who will fight for your marriage. But your marriage is over. Go through the proceedings as if it were just another business transaction (efficiently and with as little emotion as possible) and then throw yourself, I mean try to fully commit, into everything else. Without wanting to sound evangelical (because I think we all know I am not), step into the light B.
Let her go.
When my kids were little whenever they fell down (and if it wasn’t serious) I’d pick them up and we would do the shake it off dance. They’d look at me like I was crazy, but eventually we would all end up giggling and shaking like, well, like we were crazy. That’s what GAL is. At first, it might seem mad (mum, stop it, my arm/leg/side hurts) but eventually the shaking distracts from the pain and becomes fun. You make the effort and one day you realise it doesn’t take effort ... instead of getting a life ... you have a life.
I know it’s hard. I’m over a year in and I still have days when I want to cry or scream at him. Take me back, what’s wrong with me, I hate you, how could you do this to US !!!. But i know these are transitory and they will pass. I also know they have more to do with me than him. If I’m lonely then I am more susceptible. If I’m stressed (work/kids) then I am more susceptible. If I think my kids are suffering, then I am more susceptible. I control my moods. So do you.
You are neither a victim or 100% responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. Now go find your b@lls. They’re hidden somewhere under that resentment and feelings of self hate. Forgive her. Forgive yourself., once you do the work, you will realise what we all realise. You are a good man capable of being so much more than he thinks.
You fear the unknown more than you dislike the hole you are in.
This is the crux of where so many of us find outselves at certain times, myself included.
During M my fear of W leaving was so strong I was paralyzed. I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't learn what she was seeking. I couldn't be supportive. Fear really digs in with teeth and nails and it doesn't let go. I didn't have the skills to work through it, or how to move forward despite it.
You know what it's like? The movie version of Harry Potter's The Sorcerer's Stone. When Hermione says that the plant will only kill you faster if you struggle and fight it. By relaxing, it loosens its grip, and you're free to pass.
Being more afraid of a potential future as opposed to a realistic present is insane when you stop to think about it. I'm going to try to keep this at the forfront of my mind as continue to confront all of my fears.
I know people here say "There might be one more chance" but I've given up entirely on that kind of hope. She isn't part of my life anymore.
My high school buddy was the first to get married, first to have kids, first to find his wife in bed with another man. first to get divorced, first to have a kids with a second wife.
His first wife "recently" came back telling him she made a horrible mistake and bla bla bla...
The point is, we do not know if there will be another chance. Pick yourself up, become the best you you can with out her. Learn as much about what got you here as you can so that you will not repeat those behaviors again.
You ever watch "ground hogs day" with Bill Murry?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm in a really bad place right now. It's dark here, and scary.
Im sorry to hear that. The end of any relationship is hard. Especially when you feel like the decision is being made for you. But as you, there isnt anyone that is going to 'save' you. Only you have the power to pick you up and get you back on your feet. If you let yourself get stuck...then you will still be in the same place in a month or a year or 5 years or 20 years.
Im curious as to what it is that is 'scary' to you. Youve been living on your own now for several months. So what is it that you are worried about?
And please PLEASE try to start getting up and doing some kind of GAL. Anything. I know that its hard to get up the motivaion. But the faster you start, the sooner youll get through this bad patch.
You fear the unknown more than you dislike the hole you are in.
Yes, the above is SO true, and yes it's another logic vs. emotion thing that is way, way easier said than done, but burned this is a time when seriously you have to take things sometimes one HOUR at a time. I think you are still cycling in the past and future, and that's why you're still going back and forth so much. If you stay in the present moment you can level out a little bit.
Sometimes that means forcing yourself to stay busy, even if it's something mundane that takes your mind off of things like laundry or dishes or mowing the lawn or hell, get a coloring book! It sounds like a very menial thing but the smallest wins will start to blend together and you'll find yourself going longer and longer periods of time when you feel "ok".
When my H first moved out, I was terrified. Not to be alone, but because I had no idea how I was going to emotionally survive the fact that he was not coming back. It felt completely beyond my control no matter what people say about controlling your own feelings. But what I could control was keeping myself moving despite those moments. I didn't resist them, I let them happen, but then I FORCED myself to find something else to do.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I had plenty of meltdown moments in those immediate days and weeks after. All it would take was half a second in between the activities I had planned for myself to get a flash of emotion through my body; once I was walking between rooms and literally dropped to my knees and bawled uncontrollably on my foyer floor because I just felt so bad. But it got better and I knew it was because I was so aware of what was going on, that even though I didn't know how to make it stop, I wasn't just going to sit there and let it take me without fighting.
I wrote recently in my thread that I am thinking of myself like an honest drug addict. Any time I start thinking about and yearning for my H, I stop myself as if I'm reaching for crack and about to relapse. It really puts things into perspective if you're like me and would never really have anything to do with drugs... since I know the answer to "do I want to be a crackhead" is absolutely freaking not, I replace that with "do you really want to keep this pattern with your H" and that keeps me motivated to keep moving forward.
Anyyywayyys, I sense you may also need to work on accepting your sad feelings and not fighting them in order to allow them to pass. The anger needs to be worked on, 100%, but I sense that if you accepted your sadness as part of the process and stopped trying to skip so fast to a "solution" (either reconciling or full on D) it might likewise correspond to your emotional swings and level it out more. Let yourself grieve in the sense of just being with your own feelings, not projecting them anywhere, but just sitting with them.
I know this is so hard, burned. But just think about how amazing YOU are in surviving something like this and try to turn the hard parts into something that you can be proud of. In my kitchen crying story, I was embarrassed at how I was reacting, literally on my knees for "no reason" in the middle of the room (i.e. I hadn't broken my leg, fainted, or some other physical reason to be on the ground). It wasn't that long ago but I am already proud of that moment in this story because I know how bad I was hurting, but that I got through it and didn't have a complete life meltdown in the process. To quote Ariana Grande, "How she handles pain, that $hit's amazing".
Many people (but honestly, NOT everyone) experience some kind of very painful or traumatic event in life. I can't imagine dealing with certain things that others have to deal with, but I now respect the process so much more than I could before because I can empathize much better with it. And the truth is that, likewise, many people have NOT experienced exactly what we have... so look at other people who have overcome a lot of hardship, take how inspired those people make you, and apply it to YOURSELF because it IS amazing that we are aware enough to be working through our pain and not turning to drugs or other bad behavior and completely sabotaging our life because woe is us. We are surviving, even if it's messy, and what I have noticed about that is that it actually gives us a tremendous capability to give even more in the future.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
