Dude that was the most unproductive line of thinking ever. Why do that to yourself? You control your thoughts and you control your attitude. I can see how a thought like that may enter your mind but it's on YOU to crush it.
I was fine until yesterday after I lifted. When I saw myself, I just saw myself and my thoughts just spiraled. Everything that came out following that had my dad's voice behind it. It was like my dad was telling me these things without him being physically present. And to make it worse, that is the kind of crap my dad would say to me. Even now.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You can change your reality at any point. You can't control her, but you don't have to accept things as they are. You are doing her a favor by giving her an opportunity to come back to your marriage and make amends. You can stop doing that at any time. Isn't she of the same religion as you? She knows how bad this is.
I know. I'm trying to change it. It's slow but I have been trying. I stopped controlling her a long time ago. I am doing the best I can right now, which is a lot better than what I was doing 6 months ago.
She is spiritual. I am working back towards being my version of Muslim. I have never forced or convinced her to convert. I never expect her to, nor will I ever place that expectation on her or anyone else.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your body is changing too, you've been going to the gym for what, 6 months? C'mon man. I've been doing it for almost 20 years. It takes time, but hell if you don't like the gut, how much are you running? You have plenty of time right now. As for balding, I can't tell you how many balding men I've seen with babes. Hell I buzz my hair and people call me bald but women love it. Why? B/c you act confident.
And I almost forgot, did your W every say I want to separate b/c of your weight? I bet there was more than that.
6 months, yes. I know that it takes longer for a body transformation to take hold. And I'm happy at the progress I am making. I am not stopping. I can't. I've gone too far to give up now.
No. She did not leave because of my weight. She told me as much when we were together. She left for many other reasons. Where I am struggling is that I felt that she was the best match for me. She is beautiful, she is witty, she is caring, and she is strong. All good traits of what any man wants in a partner. She loved me for who I am, not how I look. And I just feel (I know it's not true) that she is one of the rare ones who saw that. And that women like her are few and far in between. Is it true? I don't think so. But it sure feels like it.
“Are you kidding yourself? Look at you....Now tell me, who in their right mind would want to stoop to THAT? Look at you! And the only person that looked past your appearance is gone. ”
Phoenix, Woman are not men. Just because men are primarily attracted to the visual, does not mean that woman are.
Yes, take care of yourself. I have been all over the map. Way too skinny guy to big biker guy. I can tell you that it is all in your head.
You will seduce a woman by how you behave and how you talk more than how you look.
You have seen my book list. Do the challenge from the MEN:learn ways to attract book.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm feeling better today. And I just finished up a very heavy conversation with WW. She started off talking about how we should start purging things so that down the road we can separate our stuff and get everything filed so we can be done by the beginning of the summer. I told her that I am not going to file the paperwork anymore. She asked why when I made it cleat that I did not want this sitch to go into this year. I said I know and that I was having a lot of second thoughts about it. She asked in what way. I told her in regards to the paperwork and how I expressed those feelings. I also told her that when we talked about my anger and the resulting consequences, I made the decision based on that anger. She said that it seemed like I was sincere and that it wasn't out of anger. I told her it was (and it was).
She then told me that she is going to continue with the plan. I told her I understand and I am not going to stop her. I then said that I am not going to file for D.
She then asked if I was going to contest and we have to go to trial. I said no. I further told her that I don't want a divorce at all. She said that we aren't living as a married couple. And I told her that I know we aren't. She told me that we aren't in a relationship with each other. I told her that I know that as well. She asked me why wouldn't we file if we weren't those things. I told her that it's not what I want.
She then told me that she heard what I said, grieved for the impending loss, and made plans based on that. She expressed frustration that I just changed my mind again because it's not what I want (I haven't told her it's not what I wanted at all, but the damage from my anger was already done, so I did not say it).
I told her that based on her words and decisions as well that I grieved for our loss as well. And then I went into what she said a few weeks ago and reflected a lot of my actions and words over the last 12 months. About everything that I have done wrong and how I decided to fix myself. I then told her that I am not going to force her to do or feel anything.
More talk of her telling me that she will still be liable for my bills until I sign, which I said I am not going to do anymore. Again, I told her that I don't want a divorce. She asked if we are beyond that point. I said No. I am not beyond that point (I never told her that I was beyond that point. I always wanted to save the marriage. My actions and anger dictated otherwise).
She then conceded and said that she will have to figure it out to pay for her house and ours indefinitely. I told her that she does not have to do that, nor do I want her to. She said (again) that she grieved and she deserves to finish the process. And to not be whiplashed. I validated by saying that I understand where she was coming from and I expressed my apologies for putting her through that. I further said that my words and actions contributed majorly to that.
She then said it doesn't matter anymore. It's where we are at right now. She went on telling me that I am whiplashing again. I told her I know. And I further told her that I am not moving from my decision for no D anymore. Again she continued telling me she is going to move forward as planned and that is where she is at. I told her that I understood and I was not going to change her mind in any way. She told me that when it's time she will have to take care of it.
Another dig at me regarding my rollercoastering. I told her that this is my last hump. To which she said "No it certainly isn't". I told her that I see where she can be cynical about me saying that and further validated to her telling her she has every reason to feel that way. She said that she is not cynical, she just makes it sounds like the way I state my decisions, the ball gets rolling. Told her that I see that and that it took a tragedy like this to make me see that.
She asked me if I was going to drag this process out. I said no. I told her that I am not going in the direction of divorce anymore. She then told me that it sounds like that is what works out for me to which I said "yes".
She then asked me if this is the way we want to continue living (stay legally married and do what we are doing). I said "yes". She asked me why would I do that. I told her that I truly do not know right now (any other answer would be pursuit, right?) but I know a divorce is not what I want. She again (3rd or 4th time) told me that she is going to execute the original plan. I told her that I know and she expressed that desire to me already.
I don't know if that was something I was supposed to do or not. But I know that I don't want the divorce. I want to reconcile and work on the relationship again. And it's going take me months to get this reestablished and show her that I mean it.
She knows where I stand now. I am not intending on budging from it. She wants to divorce, she can do the work.
She said (again) that she grieved and she deserves to finish the process. And to not be whiplashed.
WW garbage:
"I deserve to be happy"
"How will I do this?"
"I am being whiplashed"
Phoenix, can't believe you got roped into this. She got whiplashed? She did? I hope you said, "Excuse me, but you cheating has whiplashed you? Haha, that's rich" (*I stole Steve's phrase....)
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I told her that this is my last hump. To which she said "No it certainly isn't".
I think she is right, but so what? It doesn't matter! It's how emotions go. It seems she was just being mean by saying this.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
She then asked me if this is the way we want to continue living (stay legally married and do what we are doing). I said "yes".
But that's not exactly true right? I know you want and are capable of a healthy, productive relationship! You've been working hard to be a better man so that you can love and be loved! You are a family man! You don't settle for garbage like this b/c you know you worth it. You will continue to get stronger and you won't be saying things like this anymore in my opinion.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
She again (3rd or 4th time) told me that she is going to execute the original plan. I told her that I know and she expressed that desire to me already.
People who have and are sure of their plan state it firmly, then execute it. Telling you over and over makes me think she doesn't know what she wants, plus she still hasn't filed or started any of the work for it. Keep on your path!!!
I really like that you didn't back down from your position on not contributing to the divorce, and saying you won't impede her. Now you build on that! I want you to be more confident in yourself, I think you have a lot to offer and you don't need to make yourself little to accommodate your W.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You are absolutely right that I want and working on being not capable, but excelling at a healthy, productive, and satisfying relationship. I am starting to see the my efforts start to pay off. I’m feeling muscle where I haven’t had before, my communication to people has vastly improved, and most importantly, I’ve been the happiest I have been in a very long time.
I know my WW is doing OM2 stuff. And it hurts. It still hurts and I still break down. But I cannot throw that in her face to inflict any more pain. She is suffering enough as is already.
I am still not at the strength of where I want to be. But I do know that I am strong enough to make a stand on my belief and my desire for R. The anger is one of the last pieces I need to drop. And I am working on addressing that. I have to. It’s what started this whole mess.
Well, like I said before you kind of painted yourself into a corner with that. I think the convo could have been a lot shorter than that, but it sounds like it went well enough. I hope others will read your posts and take a lesson from it that D should not be initiated by the LBS unless you are absolutely, positively sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not just out of anger or to "wake her up" or teach her a lesson.
