Ready 2 Change, I didn’t mean to put Golfing. I must have typed that because LH19 asked what type of trip my H was taking. LH19 asked was it a golf trip or guys gone wild so I typed golfing by mistake. My H doesn’t golf. Lol. What I meant to type was hunting, fishing, and guys gone wild trip.
And let me say, I agree with you all, I should enjoy a trip I plan and not worry about trying to make H jealous. You guys are the best!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I actually started to type up this post the other day and deleted it. I just didn’t have the energy.
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. The wild ride never seems to end.
I go from being convinced that I’m doing the right thing by standing for my marriage to feeling like throwing in the towel.
I know, I know it’s a marathon not a sprint but I’m just being honest.
I’ve taken some time to really sit back and think about all the damage my H has done. He’s been irresponsible, disrespectful, disloyal, selfish, a liar, and a cheater. He’s gone from blaming a bunch of crap on me to taking responsibility for his own actions and owning up to the fact that his MLC has nothing to do with me. Although I respect that, I still get angry with everything he’s put me through.
There are times when a little part of me wants to get even with him. A little part of me wants to give him a taste of his own medicine. However, I know that’s not the right thing to do. Two wrongs don’t equal a right. But honestly I just get so freaking angry.
Like I understand he’s going through something. God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously and don’t want to feel like a quitter.
So just an update on my sitch other than what I wrote above. My H and I still live in the same house. We sleep in freaking separate rooms. Most days I think he still tries to act like a H. He still goes to work and comes straight home. On weekends, he stays at home. So I doubt he is currently involved with anyone else.
But I feel like he’s gotten used to sleeping in the other room. I’ve even gotten used to him not sleeping with me. There was a time when neither of us could sleep if the other wasn’t laying in the same bed. I just can’t believe it’s come to this. I know, at this point I should accept that my old marriage is dead. Daily I’m trying to come to terms with that. Obviously I’m not there yet and that’s where the anger comes from. My H literally killed our marriage and for that I am ANGRY.
Add to that I’m following the rules and not discussing the M. That [censored] though because I hate holding all my feelings in. He’s been able to say so much, yet I have to hold my feelings in because I’m not supposed to discuss the R. Ughhhhh!!!! I want to yell, I want to scream. I want to tell him how angry I am with him. I want to smack the dog crap out of him some times. I just want him to freaking get it. He ruined a great relationship because he was too weak to deal with life. I know the whole MLC thing but my God deal with life. You’re not a teenager. You’re a grown man who has real life responsibilities.
Yesterday I looked at my H and although I still love him, for the first time since the original bomb drop, I felt disgust. He’s starting not to look the same to me. I don’t have that warm and fuzzy feeling when I look at him. Maybe my feelings are changing for him. That scares me and it scares me a lot. I’m staring to wonder how much time he actually has to turn things around before I totally loose it for him.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I just added the signature, hopefully it will show up.
Thanks for the encouragement, I need that.
I’m afraid you may be correct. I’m starting to feel like he may be too late when he finally turns things around. Sadly, I think that will devastate him. For 13 years I’ve always been there for him...right, wrong, or indifferent. Even after his initial BD and PA, I stood by his side. Subconsciously, I think he feels I will always be there for him. Today I can honestly say, I’m not sure that’s going to be the case. I’m tired, I’m angry, and I’m struggling with my decision to stay.
Editing to add, I’m not seeing my signature showing up. So here it is.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45
Last edited by Living; 02/05/1903:41 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Living, I truly believe in "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I got BD'd in 2005. And again at the end of 2017. If she ever BD's me again, I am going to show her the door. I already feel foolish for falling for it again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Living, I truly believe in "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I got BD'd in 2005. And again at the end of 2017. If she ever BD's me again, I am going to show her the door. I already feel foolish for falling for it again.
I agree. I don’t have it in me to deal with another BD. I’m sure I would totally embarrass myself and go straight the F off. Lol.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously and don’t want to feel like a quitter.
I struggle with this on the daily - She's moved out, is in an R with OM, and I've effectively cut off any semblance of a friendship. It used to be about being all-in to save the marriage, but at this point it's just to know that I stayed on the moral highroad until the D is final.
Stay strong, go out and do you, and live in integrity to yourself and your values. Whatever side the coin lands on, you will always be able to look back and know you lived up to your own standards.
I think we all struggle with this one. I agree on just keeping your morals in tact and just know that whatever happens you know you stayed faithful until the end. That is worth something in my eyes. I know not everyone may think that way but you gotta do you like Jb said.
I go from being convinced that I’m doing the right thing by standing for my marriage to feeling like throwing in the towel.
I know, I know it’s a marathon not a sprint but I’m just being honest.
...
Like I understand he’s going through something. God knows I’m trying to stand and honor my vows. But the other part of me says...girl you deserve more. But I’m stuck on the vow thing. I take them seriously
I'm with you on the above. I am convinced of both sides of the coin depending on the minute. I look at the calendar and realize that this has not been that long, so I do not need to pressure myself to "move on". But then I remember that W has literally moved states, and it is not my role to wait for her to come to some imaginary epiphany. If she turns back around towards me she will need to meet me whereever I am at the time, and that likely won't be in the "sitting and waiting" place she left me in.
More days than not I'm basing my decision to stand for now on three factors.
1) It has been a short period of time, and if I am still rollercoastering there is no need to falsely try to "speed up" my own moving on process. It will happen in its own time
2) W has asked for a D, but not proceeded with any paperwork yet to my knowledge. I will reassess my position at the 6-month mark of our S (beginning of May), which is the point of time when we can proceed with a D. Assuming she files at that time I will take her actions at face value. If anything changes and she does not proceed with filing I will reassess my own feelings at that time.
3) Whether or not it is "MLC", I do believe my W is going through something deeply personal. I believe my M vows should honor that, despite the H311 I'm going through now. The first line of our vows were, "I take you as you are and who you will become".
I mostly wanted to stop here to say that your feelings of confusion and anger and cycling are understood. Have a vacation planned yet? I think it's time for a count-down to your next fun event, whatever that may be.
