Fear is a good description for a lot of my motivations.
fear is the great motivator.....so they say
Originally Posted by Steve
She is only the 2nd person I've ever let get this close to me, and I was burned badly by the first. And have been burnt by her as well. For someone that has trouble trusting out of the gate, that definitely has an impact.
What happened with #1 ?
Originally Posted by Steve
Fear of vulnerability was the first thing that came to mind when I was reading your post.
Thats what love is buddy....being vulnerable and being able to share that with the person that you are the most vulnerable with...
To fear vulnerability, is to fear love, to fear commitment, to fear intimacy...
Fear is a good description for a lot of my motivations.
fear is the great motivator.....so they say
Originally Posted by Steve
She is only the 2nd person I've ever let get this close to me, and I was burned badly by the first. And have been burnt by her as well. For someone that has trouble trusting out of the gate, that definitely has an impact.
What happened with #1 ?
Originally Posted by Steve
Fear of vulnerability was the first thing that came to mind when I was reading your post.
Thats what love is buddy....being vulnerable and being able to share that with the person that you are the most vulnerable with...
To fear vulnerability, is to fear love, to fear commitment, to fear intimacy...
Why do you fear being vulnerable ???
Long story with #1. I've told some of it here already, long time on again, off again R. She would reel in and then push me away. Wanted me close enough to be in her life but not be together exclusively. This went on for nearly 20 years. It ended with me hurt pretty badly.
I think that's why I fear being vulnerable. But I'll have to continue exploring that in C.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
. She would reel in and then push me away. Wanted me close enough to be in her life but not be together exclusively. This went on for nearly 20 years. It ended with me hurt pretty badly.
Are ya upset that she did that to you ??
Or that you allowed it to happen.... ???
Or better yet, that you allowed that to happen for nearly 20 years ???
. She would reel in and then push me away. Wanted me close enough to be in her life but not be together exclusively. This went on for nearly 20 years. It ended with me hurt pretty badly.
Are ya upset that she did that to you ??
Or that you allowed it to happen.... ???
Or better yet, that you allowed that to happen for nearly 20 years ???
Yes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Answered Jeep's question in his thread about things to 180 on. Seemed to be well received so I am documenting it here as well in case it helps anyone else. I should note, it was a very good exercise creating this response. It made me really stop and assess just what it was I changed a year ago.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I reversed on a lot of bad behavior. Here they were:
- Overly critical of her housekeeping - Very short-tempered, when she tried to get my attention I would let it be known she was interrupting me - Very impatient with her, my D, stranger in the car in front of me, etc. - Very withdrawn in my own world, watched TV a lot by myself in MBR (W and D were in livingroom) - Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, ate as fast as I could, went right back into MBR 0r - Came to dinner, prayed for thanksgiving, took food into MBR and ate by myself - Nicer to strangers and acquaintances than to her - Made cutting jokes about her around friends and family - Criticized everything she did. How she drove, how much toothpaste she put on her toothbrush, etc. - Left all household duties to her (taking care of dogs, laundry, picking up the counter, etc) (I did some things but never helped her with some of the things.) - Scrutinized every penny she spent
I am sure the list is longer. That list is shameful. I am surprised I was able to get her to stay eventually. But I 180'd on it all. I got into C to cement these changes. I read voraciously about marriage saving, and self-improvement.
It is a year on and I have not engaged in any of these behavior since BD. IN fact, I have done just the opposite of those:
- No longer criticize her housekeeping, and express gratitude to her when she does things around the house - I happily, and upbeatedly give her my full attention whenever she gets my attention - I am patient with her and D. And I have been much more patient in general. - I do not isolate myself. I spend a lot of time with W watching shows she likes. Conversing with her. Laughing and joking with her! (Do not underestimate that last part!! She has commented how much more fun I am to be with due to the laughing and cutting up.) - I eat dinner with them by sitting at table, conversing, sharing how my day was, asking about theirs. being fully engaged with them. I eat slower. I sit and talk even after I am finished. I help clean up the table. - I am sweet and nice to her. I adore her and realize she is the most important person in my life! I treat her like the queen I always should have. I love doing things for her and jump the minute she asks for a favor or help. - I brag about her to others, both when she isn't around and when she is. I never say anything derogatory even jokingly to her or about her. I compliment her both publicly and privately. - I never criticize her. I realize now that I am not always right and everyone (especially her) else is not always wrong if they do things differently. I realize that she is more important than getting to a place in the optimal path, or that we go through a tube of toothpaste in a week. She is my queen, and I treat her as such! - I help with household duties. I clean up after meals, help take care of the dogs and cat, I try to do as much as she does, and do it happily and without grudge! (ANOTHER 180!!) - I let her use her own judgement on spending. I no longer nitpick every penny she spends. I even limit my own spending so that she can spend more.
Marriage is about sacrifice! And once you realize how appreciated these things are it no longer feels likes sacrifice! I do these things now because I love her and I WANT to do them!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This morning I got up late (been sick and home from work the last two days, more on that in a minute). Normally I am up, showered, and back in bed for a few minutes of snuggling. But this morning I was still in the shower when she came into the bathroom. She said "Happy Valentine's Day!" What a difference a year makes. Last year she didn't even really acknowledge it!
Also, she was my caretaker the last two days! Another turnaround from last year.
Hang in there folks, it gets better. Whether your MR is saved or not, you will survive!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Things continue to progress. Wife and I are closer than we've ever been. We watch a lot of Dr. Phil together. LOL Still lots of playful banter and affection. I am completely over my own waywardness from 2 years ago.
Quick funny exchange:
Me: "I have to tell you. I am so much happier now that I am not that bitter angry guy I used to be."
Her: "That makes a lot of sense if you think about it."
We both LOL'd.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
