In continuing my last thread, I had asked about putting a box or two of my H's stuff by the door and it was a huge step in my moving forward. He came by to get our kiddo, ignored the box although recognized it and then later asked sheepishly if it was his. He says he was lazy about getting his things yet seems a bit off about it. I just told him it was his and continued prepping our sons lunch for the next day.
At dropoff later, I've never seen him in and out of the house so fast, barely speaking to me. It seems the happier I am the more miserable he seems. I've felt like crap lately with a few D issues but I've tried to keep a stiff upper lip around him.
We worked together to figure out an issue with our son but as soon as it was figured out he went into hiding again...lol! I just rolled my eyes after he left.
I'm supposed to be served D papers soon he tells me as my lawyer is not moving fast enough but so far, nothing. I have my son this weekend so I think we're going to have a few playdates with a couple of his friends from kindergarten so he can play and I can be social.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Let me know if this isn't the way to detach, I have a question.
My son had to come home from school early due to getting ill in the cafeteria. I picked him up, got him settled and he seems fine. So I texted his dad to tell him that our son was sent home ill and I'll let him know if it affects his going to his dad's tomorrow night for their visit.
It took him a while to reply with just "oh nooooo." I didn't reply back. An hour later he texts me with, "If you need anything, let me know." I didn't reply because son is doing okay and also I feel that since H left our home, I'm not going to keep him posted on every thing in the house while he's off in his own world now. If kiddo was really ill, it's one thing, and I also have a friend close by who can help grab me some things I need if I needed them.
I feel like this was the right choice regarding communication, but if I did something wrong, can someone give me a tip or two. I want to detach properly and let go and realize I have not been for months now.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Information needs to response. IF he asks a direct question, answer in your own time (doesn't need to be right away), and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
You adhered to that perfectly. Well done!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think your fine with your responses but I probably would have responded "no thanks I am good" to his "let me know if you need anything".
I think you may confused on the meaning of detachment. Detachment is not something you do, it is something you become. I will give you the best example of being detached i have read below.
Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.
J - I can only speak from my own experience, but the level of communication I had depended on the level I needed to heal. Whilst my emotions were still at the mercy of his behaviour / mood swings, then it was best for me to keep it polite, but to the bare minimum. If I did this, then there was less for me to analyse and dissect and less for me to get hurt or angry about. I could not heal if all my thoughts were about him, about what he meant when he said 'I'll see you later tonight" or "I'll drop the children off at ...". At first, detachment is something you do (you force yourself to do it because every fibre of your being is working against detaching) but eventually. LH is right, it is something you become.
Once I was no longer affected by him, then I relaxed my stance. We have moved beyond the "yes", "no" and no response to informational texts. Ours are polite and well meaning but not lengthy or funny. Casual acquaintances - the neighbour you don't really know but say hello to if you run into them.
I think your response was fine. Be careful detachment doesn't turn into rudeness. If you ran into your neighbour in the store, you'd say hello, make small talk and then merrily go on your way and not give it another thought. For me, that is detachment.
I see this concept talked about a lot, hard to understand and difficult to implement.
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Oh no, I don't want to be rude to him, I'm just having a hard time with backing away from thoughts of "What does he mean when he says that, or does this." I feel like I have to back off for my own sanity and keep things civil yet lots of space.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
That's OK to be having a hard time with trying understand what he means. No one will know for sure except him and now he is probably not so excited to tell you all of that.
So let go of it, because you can't control it. It will drive you nuts, and I'm glad you noticed this as well. Take your space and get strong, be happy. It will mean a lot.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
