Got a typical WW on my hands here guys! Had no idea about *any* of this until within the last month things got bad. Possible A. Got the "I think we should start thinking about D and custody and who is moving out" talk already.. not even a month from our last argument when I found out she might not L me anymore.
Luckily I engulfed myself in books, and now understand what is mostly going on - typical WW with EA and MLC (we are both almost 40, a 6 and 3 year old). Lots of shopping, makeup, hair, going out late etc. It all is pretty cut and dry to me now but holy moly was not a couple weeks ago!
With her pressuring for a D already what are my options? Before I wanted to save the marriage (still do for kids obviously - they are absolutely everything to me) but it is quite clear she wants out.. and fast. Should I tell her she can move out but recommend no Divorce until we are separated for a bit?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank Cadet. I have read up on the other posts the last couple of days before posting this - so I am fairly knowledgable so far. I am just wondering what my options are since right off the bat we went from an "OK" marriage (one I had no idea she was this upset .. would never have even imagined D talk!) to wanting a D within weeks of letting me know how unhappy she was. Just wondering if I should try to slow it down or just go with it?
Read everything here. Stop the pursuit. Detach. Focus on yourself. No talking about D. If she brings it up say "I understand you think it would make you happy to D, I dont want that, but I wont stand in your way".
You are in for one hell of a ride. Just follow the rules. The goal is to better yourself. Get to a point where you are emotionally safe.
Read everything here, including all of the posted situations. Good luck. You will live. You will get through this.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Sorry you are here, but glad you are <-- That made no sense I bet, however this is where you will find the appropriate sparing from people having lived, what you are right now. The confusion, the questions, the wondering - What you will realize, and maybe you already have begun to, is that the general sitch with a WW is not special. There are SO many parallels you can draw between most of the stories on this board. So what makes every story have a different outcome? i'll tell you:
The LBS does... This is what is so hard to understand, and something that took me many months to comprehend. This is not about your WW, this is about you. The sooner the LBS realizes that this is not about their WW, but about themselves, the sooner they find the right path to walk.
Will this path salvage your relationship? No, this ship has sailed. You need to embark upon a new journey, a journey that evolves around you, and the passengers on your boat are people who wants to be here, because your boat fuchin rocks... You are the captain of the party boat, and you dont want anyone ruining your party.
You seem to have been doing some research already. Keep it up, make this about you.. 180 on the things that you know inside you have to, reflect on your process, go dim / dark depending on kids. Let her live her life the way she wants to, because you can't force anyone to do what they dont want to, and honestly, who wants a relationship like that...
so..
- detach -180 -GAL - Whenever you think you have a GREAT idea that you should swing by her, dont.... come here first, present it and take the advice beforehand. Trust me, it will save you from a lot of mental pain because, the idea might not be that great after all when you get the advice from the veteran perspective.
I hope the very best for you... You can be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave, you just have to choose to be.
Do not put her on a piedestal, do not only think about all the great things (we tend to do that). Reflect on what you contributed to in this downfall - complacency? neediness? lack of goals?
I know I might come off as hard, but really, I mean this in the best way possible - learn from my mistakes, and do not make them yourselves. That can be the difference between your story, and lots of the stories in here - the fact, that you choose to be the LBS that shows that you know what you are worth, and that you won't settle with left over cake.
Have the best day man!
Sorry english is not my mothertongue, hope you get the general idea of what I am trying to write at least
/hurt
Last edited by Hurt213; 01/30/1910:23 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Got a typical WW on my hands here guys! Had no idea about *any* of this until within the last month things got bad. Possible A. Got the "I think we should start thinking about D and custody and who is moving out" talk already.. not even a month from our last argument when I found out she might not L me anymore.
Luckily I engulfed myself in books, and now understand what is mostly going on - typical WW with EA and MLC (we are both almost 40, a 6 and 3 year old). Lots of shopping, makeup, hair, going out late etc. It all is pretty cut and dry to me now but holy moly was not a couple weeks ago!
With her pressuring for a D already what are my options? Before I wanted to save the marriage (still do for kids obviously - they are absolutely everything to me) but it is quite clear she wants out.. and fast. Should I tell her she can move out but recommend no Divorce until we are separated for a bit?
svdad, a lot of us come here with WWs that are ready to hit the ground running with S and/or D. My WW in the first few weeks after BD was fixing up her resume, doing apartment searches, doing a lot of research on D and the effects on kids. Etc.
Take a deep breath. Step back. I know your mind is racing. You are probably looking for the magic bullet. "Do this and she'll change her mind." Etc. The only thing that works in these sitches are time.
Here is the thing. What is she pressuring for D? Most WW are like upper-management at a Fortune 500 company. They make pronouncements and expect that someone will go do the work for them.
So next time she pressures, have a response like this ready: "I am completely opposed, ethically and morally to divorce. If you want a divorce I can't stop you but I will do nothing to help. I won't hinder it if you insist on divorce, but I won't file, I won't lift a finger in anyway to help with it because it would violate my conscience."
If she wants to sleep alone SHE moves out of the MBR. Not you.
svdad, my W gave up her quest for D pretty quickly after she realized that she was going to be the one to do all of the work. Not all WWs give up that quickly, but since you are still relatively early in your sitch you need to lay the ground work now that she's on her own in this quest. That you are there for her the minute she decides to give it up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You guys are great. We have been sleeping apart the last 6 years (since our first was born) as she mostly got up with the kids and prefers her own bed anyhow.
I should also add that i started going to my own IC when the BD happened. She was adamant she did not want to go to MC and that she is closed up to me, and there is no way that is changed. She is now 'changed' due to our arguments and how I would attack her character. She remembers everything negative about our relationship. Says we aren't meant to be together, etc.
I said (before reading this forum) that I would agree to D if and only if no stone was left uncovered. IE: we try to fix things (mostly for kids .. I am absolutely terrified for them growing up without a family in tact). She then (reluctantly) agreed to go see my IC but this has not happened yet. In hindsight - I think she is only going to appease me and justify to her that she ticked the box of "trying" before filing the D.
I should also add that i started going to my own IC when the BD happened. She was adamant she did not want to go to MC and that she is closed up to me, and there is no way that is changed. She is now 'changed' due to our arguments and how I would attack her character. She remembers everything negative about our relationship. Says we aren't meant to be together, etc.
Typical WW/WH talk. Don't believe anything she says on only half of what she does.
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I think she is only going to appease me and justify to her that she ticked the box of "trying" before filing the D.
Yep. So don't try to get her to go. She'll then wonder why you stopped asking her to go and fix this. Then she'll start temp checking and trying to get you back on the hook.
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So what should I do?
Like Hurt said: - detach -180 -GAL
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You guys are great. We have been sleeping apart the last 6 years (since our first was born) as she mostly got up with the kids and prefers her own bed anyhow.
I should also add that i started going to my own IC when the BD happened. She was adamant she did not want to go to MC and that she is closed up to me, and there is no way that is changed. She is now 'changed' due to our arguments and how I would attack her character. She remembers everything negative about our relationship. Says we aren't meant to be together, etc.
I said (before reading this forum) that I would agree to D if and only if no stone was left uncovered. IE: we try to fix things (mostly for kids .. I am absolutely terrified for them growing up without a family in tact). She then (reluctantly) agreed to go see my IC but this has not happened yet. In hindsight - I think she is only going to appease me and justify to her that she ticked the box of "trying" before filing the D.
What should I do?
Thanks mates.
Most here will say not to have her go. However, I had a similar experience. She came and my IC became OUR MC. So while she was reluctant at first she eventually embraced it. But your W sounds a lot like mine was at the beginning. All negative, not one day of happiness in 19 years of marriage.
sv, one huge caveat related to my sitch. My W's OM ended their EA about 3 weeks after BD. If your W is in an active EA or PA your mileage may vary, greatly. Most WWs have a fantasy outlook for their new life with OM. No matter how rooted in delusion that fantasy is, it is their reality at the moment. Personally, I'd leave it open to her but do not pressure her at all. Just say "I am leaving for IC at X time, you are free to join me."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
