So next time she pressures, have a response like this ready: "I am completely opposed, ethically and morally to divorce. If you want a divorce I can't stop you but I will do nothing to help. I won't hinder it if you insist on divorce, but I won't file, I won't lift a finger in anyway to help with it because it would violate my conscience." .
Thanks guys.. this evening she made contact with me in our house (first non kid communication if quite a bit) and asked if she could borrow my book I mentioned a couple of weeks ago (7 principles for making a marriage work).. it completely took me off guard, i took a deep breath, realized this is all more of her plot to either a) make her self feel better about being how she is and or b) just a ploy to make it look like she is 'trying all things' before filing for D. I said basically that I think she should go out research, and get her own books that suit her. No need to take my advice, or read what I am reading. She definitely was shocked. I then proceeded to say or more or less words the above that Steve85 said. I told her no need to go to my IC if she was not going for the right reasons. And that I am not going to step in her way of D - but I am totally against it but i won't fight her anymore about it - if this is what she wants go for it! But I am not helping her.
I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.
I really do feel good. I am actually detached now. You guys are right she is not the woman I married years ago and had 2 kids with at this point in her life. I ended it saying all I can do is be the best dad i can be and that is what I am going to do and then walked away.
Less than average I would assume - but it was there (sort of ... )
Only you know if your needs were getting met or not. Sound like not.
Originally Posted by svdad
since right off the bat we went from an "OK" marriage (one I had no idea she was this upset .. would never have even imagined D talk!) to wanting a D within weeks of letting me know how unhappy she was.
Any changes to your sex life prior to BD initiated by her? If so, that may be a red flag of possible OM.
Tarzan never lets go of his vine until he has a good grip on the next one.
Most people are the same way. They don't drop the first lover until they have a new one. You may be unique.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.
Learn not to talk so much.
W:"so are you going to fight me for custody?!" H:"I have no intention of fight you for custody. My understanding is that the kids need both their parents equally in their lives to grow up healthy. Which parenting plan sounds better to you, "week on/week off" or a 2/3/3/2 arrangement?" W:"Bla bla bla bbla @$$hole Bla bla you can't take my kids away....blaa blaa bla" H:"Sorry you feel that way. If divorce is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way, but joint custody arrangements is best for the kids, and I will do whatever is best for my kids, with or without you." W:'Bla bla bla bla bla"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.
Learn not to talk so much.
W:"so are you going to fight me for custody?!" H:"I have no intention of fight you for custody. My understanding is that the kids need both their parents equally in their lives to grow up healthy. Which parenting plan sounds better to you, "week on/week off" or a 2/3/3/2 arrangement?" W:"Bla bla bla bbla @$$hole Bla bla you can't take my kids away....blaa blaa bla" H:"Sorry you feel that way. If divorce is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way, but joint custody arrangements is best for the kids, and I will do whatever is best for my kids, with or without you." W:'Bla bla bla bla bla"
I think she is proposing 50/50. But honestly I am having a hard time imagining not seeing my kids everyday. I am one of those dads who cant go a day without playing with each kid. I actually get frustrated if I am at work late and dont have time to see them.
But I see what you are saying, thank you for the advice.
So next time she pressures, have a response like this ready: "I am completely opposed, ethically and morally to divorce. If you want a divorce I can't stop you but I will do nothing to help. I won't hinder it if you insist on divorce, but I won't file, I won't lift a finger in anyway to help with it because it would violate my conscience." .
Thanks guys.. this evening she made contact with me in our house (first non kid communication if quite a bit) and asked if she could borrow my book I mentioned a couple of weeks ago (7 principles for making a marriage work).. it completely took me off guard, i took a deep breath, realized this is all more of her plot to either a) make her self feel better about being how she is and or b) just a ploy to make it look like she is 'trying all things' before filing for D. I said basically that I think she should go out research, and get her own books that suit her. No need to take my advice, or read what I am reading. She definitely was shocked. I then proceeded to say or more or less words the above that Steve85 said. I told her no need to go to my IC if she was not going for the right reasons. And that I am not going to step in her way of D - but I am totally against it but i won't fight her anymore about it - if this is what she wants go for it! But I am not helping her.
I did say that she needs to understand that my kids are my absolute world, and that I am going to have a hard time not seeing them... to which she said "so are you going to fight me for custody?!" I told her that is not what I am saying, I have not thought about that yet - but just telling her how I feel about the kids and what she is doing to them.
I really do feel good. I am actually detached now. You guys are right she is not the woman I married years ago and had 2 kids with at this point in her life. I ended it saying all I can do is be the best dad i can be and that is what I am going to do and then walked away.
Any comments on this?
Pretty good. Couple of things.
When you say these things try to be matter of fact. Emotionless. Don't say it happy, sad, angry, etc. Just say it.
Read R2C's comments on how to approach the custody question.
"I am actually detached now."
Whoa, slowdown horsey! Detachment isn't something you check off a list. It is an ongoing, day-to-day battle within yourself. You are riding a high after feeling empowered with this recent interaction. And you should! You did well. Can you improve? Yes. But you did well. But be prepared for the crash. Read other people's sitches here. One day they are "I am doing it! I am over her! I am detaching!" The next day "I miss her, I don't want to lose, my life will suck without her!" The rollercoaster is real. Avoid thinking you are out of the woods. Avoid thinking everything is dire. Try to float, as much as possible, in the middle. And by all means DO NOT let it inform your next words and actions. Those that struggle the most are those that are most impulsive. Read sandi's rules, study them, know them. You can ruin weeks and months of progress with one impulsive action or word. Don't be that guy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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